Diary ni Ashlee

Entry # 8. Regrets

Jun 11, 2002

Reed and Anca finally made it official, they are really getting married. They announced it earlier at dinner time. Ang sakit, journal, kahit pa inihanda ko na ang sarili ko sa mga mangyayari ay masakit pa rin pala. Ang pinakahamahirap sa lahat ay iyong wala akong masabihan. I couldn't tell Vince, Tonie or any one because I am afraid that they'll judge me for what I feel for Reed. 

Masaya sila, I tried to be happy for them, I smile and I even congratulate them, but deep inside me, my heart is slowly dying because of so much pain. How come I feel for him this hard? I don't even know why I became like this, all I wanted was to love and to be loved back, ang sakit isipin at tanggapin na iyong isang taong gusto kong magmahal sa akin ay siya ring tao ang nakakasakit sa akin ng ganito. 

I am crying right now, journal. I am in so much pain. But I know, I'll be better, I just really hope that it's soon dahil baka kapag nagtagal pa ito ay hindi ko na makaya ang sakit at baka mamatay na ako... 

Please, journal... 

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Days with John were really amazing, he's really sweet and he's reall caring. Everyday at lunch time, he comes to my gallery with food so we could have luch together. He was the epitome of a perfect gentleman and a good boyfriend. Hindi ko talag pinagsisisihan na sinagot ko siya that day that he asked me kung ano na kami. He was giving me so much happiness na dumarating sa punto na hindi ko na pala naiisip si Reed.

John had spent a night with me in my house, we selpt together -- pero natulog lang talaga kami. Walang sex na involve - as I said he was a perfect gentleman. We stayed up late at night talking about the two of us, ang sarap-sarap niya talagang kausap, minsan akala ko seryoso siya iyon pla, he was joking na at iyon iyong pinakanakakatawang part, lagi kasi siyang poker faced kapag nagbibitiw ng joke. 

One more thing that I like about him was that he's really into art like me. Minsan, he went to my house and he found me painting on a big canvass using only my hands and my feet, he said that he wanted to try so we ended up doing it together - and that painting session with John ended up in a fiery making out session. I smile everytime I remember that day. 

"Ash, bakit nakangiti ka?" Vince asked me. It was a Thursday morning and he was in my office. He went there because he said he misses me - mahal talaga ako ng best friend ko.

"Masaya ako eh.." I simply said. Vince looked at me, inilapit niya pa ang mukha niya sa mukha ko. 

"I had never seen you that happy before." kumunot pa ang noo niya. "May boyfriend ka na?" I smiled even wider after hearing what he said. 

"Tama!" sabi ko pa sa kanya. Vince went back to the couch where he was sitting earlier. He was just looking at me. 

"Sana hindi ka saktan niyan, katulad nung ginawa ni Ike sa'yo noon." He said. Bigla naman akong nalungkot. He was talking about Ike - Isaac Xander Escaller - my first boyfriend na hindi na nasundan noon - ngayon na lang ulit. Ike and I dated for two years, that was before I met Reed, we had the a steady relationship but then we broke up because he chose his ex girlfriend over me. I was really hurt back then, and Vince saw how much pain I had to go through that time, he was really angy at Ike at kahit na naka-move on na ako, he was still pretty angry with Ike. And now, after almost a decade, galit pa rin siya dito. Samantalang ako, ako iyong iniwan, ako iyong umaiyak, in good terms na kami ni Ikw ngayon - we'll I had no choice, Ike's brother Kuya Jorge ended up marrying my sister, kaya may connection talaga kami tapos we share the love for our nephew and niece. Isa pa, napatawad ko na si Ike noon.