Diary ni Ashlee

Entry # 11. Happy ever after

If happy ever after did exist, I will still be holding you like this...

I didn't have much to do that day so I decided to write in the diary/journal. It's been a year, ang bilis lumipas ng panahon. Sa isang taon na iyon, napakaraming nagbago, but what struck me the most was the change in my supposed to be happily ever after. 

Somehow, I knew that happily ever after did exist. And I was so holding on to my own happy ever after, but I lost it. I lost my chance because I let the woman I love slip away. 

Maybe you are wondering who the hell was writing on you diary/ journal, by the way, this is Reed - yup I am the man, Ashlee used to write about. Now I am the one writing on you because of her. I never thought of giving you back to her. Naisip ko kasi na sa akin ka na lang, remembrance kumbaga, isang patunay na nangyari iyon - ang mga nangyari sa amin - sa totoo buhay - at hindi basta sa panaginip ko lang. 

I will keep you so that everytime that I am sad or whenever I miss her, I'll open you up and read the things - the many wonderful things, and memories she wrote about me. It will be like watching a movie in my head and she's the leading lady, I am the leading man and yet... 

We will never end up together. 

Painful.

Hurt. 

Heart slowly dying...

Iyon kasi ang nararamdaman ko. 

Tandang-tanda ko pa iyong araw kung kailan namatay ng tuluyan ang pag-asa kong makasama si Ashlee. 

Siguro nga at kasalanan ko rin, pero hindi ko naman kasi talaga alam. It's too bad that I only realized how much I love her that moment when she gave up on whatever we had. I tried fighting for her, but I couldn't. I tried making her fall for me again - pero talo ako sa John asshole na iyon. 

Kasalanan ko, I lost my chance because of how stubborn I was. Hindi naman talaga ako aware na mahal ko na pala siya kaya ginagawa ko ang mga bagay na iyon. In away making love to her was my way of being with her. Duwag ako, I was scared of admitting how I felt about her because of what happened with me and Anca back then, naisip ko na natatakot na ako dahil minsan na akong nasaktan ng babaeng handa ko sanang ibigay ang lahat pero hindi naman napasakin.

Dapat pala ay hindi ako natakot noon. 

Dapat pala, noong maramdaman ko iyon, dapat sumugal na ako. I wasn't ready to gamble back then, pero hindi ko alam na iyon din ang pagsisisihan ko. 

Sana lumaban ako, sana... 

Puro na lang ako sana... 

 --------------

"Kuya Reed!" 

I stopped writing at Ashlee's diary. Agad kong itinago iyon sa likuran ko. I saw Alex walking towards me, she was wearing that cream, knee-length gown, she was holding a bouquet of flowes tapos ay masayang masaya siya. 

"Lika na, mag-start na iyong wedding march ni Ate Ashlee..." 

I gave her a half smile. 

Today is Ashlee's wedding to John.Ngayon ang araw na magsisimula ang happiness niya. Masaya siya, habang ang puso ko, unti-unti namamatay sa katoohanan na bago matapos ang araw na ito ay wala na talaga. 

"Hindi naman ako kasama sa wedding march." Pasimpleng sabi ko. Napabuntong hininga ako at doon, naramdaman ko na naman ang masakit na tumutusok sa puso ko. 

"Kahit na, lika na noh!" Alex pulled me up. Nagmamadaling naglakad kami patungo sa loob. She smiled at me, tapos ay sumali na siya sa pila, ako naman ay naupo na sa isa sa mga pews doon. I took a deep breath. Ready na ba ako? 

I looked over the altar, naroon si John, he was wearing a gray suit, he looked really happy. Bakit nga ba hindi siya magiging masaya, he's about to marry the woman he loves and the woman who loved him.

Nagsimula ang wedding march. I saw my friends walk down the aisle one by one, masayang-masaya sila. Then nagbago ang tugtog, everyone stood up and looked back. We all saw, what I thought - was the most beautiful bride we ever laid eyes on. 

Si Ashlee. 

She was so pretty on her wedding dress. Natatakpan man ng belo ang mukha niya ay alam kong masaya siya. she was happy, I wanted so much to be happy for her, and yet, how could I if my heart is slowly dying. 

Kasabay ng paglakad ni Ashlee ay ang unti-unting pagkamatay ng puso ko. Gusto kong umiyak nang malakas. Gusto kong kunin siya at ilayo dito. Pero hindi pwede. 

Sayang... 

I lost my chance. 

Nang makarating siya sa gitna ng simbahan ay huminto siya. I noticed that she was crying. 

"I'm sorry, my knees are trembling..." Nakangiti ngunit humihikbing wika niya. I saw Vince - who was standing beside John patted John's shoulder and walked towards Ashlee. He scooped her left arm and they started to walk again. 

Ni hindi man lang siya tumingin sa direksyon ko. 

Nakarating sila ni Vince sa may altar. John moved closer and took her hand. Kinamayan nito si Vince tapos ay nilapitan pa nito ang Daddy ni Ashlee na nakaupo sa harapan. He shook his hand, tapos ay binalikan nito si Ashlee at hinagkan sa pisngi. Sabay silang humarap sa altar. 

I looked away. 

I stayed for the whole ceremony, akala ko kasi kaya ko, but when it came to the part where they were saying their vows, hindi ko kinaya, tumalikod ako. 

"Sa dami-dami ng tao sa mundo, ikaw lang pala ang hinihintay ko. I have loved the wrong man for many years - we'll you knew about that - but when you came to my life, I realized that it was you, you are the right one, the only one, my one and my only one. My own personal greek god. I love you, and I am looking forward on spending my life with you... I love you..." 

I didn't realized that I was crying until I saw myself on the side mirror of my car. Ang sakit isipin na ang babaeng minahal ko ng totoo ay maling tao ang tingin sa akin. 

Pinasibad ko ang sasakyan. I drove and drove all day and all night, Hindi ko alam kung saan ako dinala ng isipan ko, basta natagpuan ko na lang ang sarili ko sa isang lugar over looking the metro. there I let my tears fall. I took out Ashlee's diary again, the sadness was embracing my whole being. 

And as I read her first ever entry, I realized what I had lost... 

***

And as I gaze up on that man smiling at me , I knew that this was the moment I have been waiting for -- not just for today -- but for my whole life. 

"Ash, si Reed. Thesis partner ko." The man -- we'll -- Reed stood up and offered me his hand. 

"Nice to meet you. I'm Reed." he smiled even more. I was just eyeing him like an idiot. I've seen him before. I knew that smile. 

"You're the toothpaste guy." agad ay parang gusto kong bawiin ang sinabi ko. Sa dami ng naiisip kong sabihin, bakit iyon ba ang lumabas sa bibig ko?

"Yeah. I am." he laughed, then I felt a thousand of electro lights travelling my body. 

Oh my gosh... 

Is this it? Is this really the moment? 

I am not stupid, I've watched this kind of films. Hindi ako tanga. Alam ko kung bakit ako nakakaramdam ng ganito...

But then.... 

Am I ready to face the consequences if I accept the fact that I think -- I really think --- that I just fall in love with my bestfriend's thesis partner at first sight?

***

Yes, happy ever after exists, pero hindi pa sa buhay ko....