Loving Loki

Pain

I was aware of one thing and one thing only. Pain. It invaded every part of my body like a virus, infecting every cell. Needless to say, the detached feeling was gone. Unfortunately, I felt every little thing. Even opening my eyes sent jolts of pain through my body. I wished for the darkness to return. It was a peaceful darkness. The kind you could spend in eternity in. I supposed I was dying.

But now, I had never felt more alive. The pain reminded me that peace, that weightless feeling, was now quite impossible. I stared at the ceiling. Straw. I was in my bedroom. The realization floated to me in an instant. The straw pallet below me and the thick cotton quilt my mother had made for me, only confirmed my suspicion.

I slowly, painfully, brought myself into a sitting position. I sat against the wall. It took several seconds to control my erratic breathing and begin to control the pain. When the fuzz in my mind cleared, I began to think.

All my emotions, all my thoughts rushed upon me with a vengeance. Loss, betrayal, curiosity, pain, anger, pity, fear, amazement, and rage mixed together. And then there was the undeniable one. Love. It stuck out painfully from the rest. How was it possible to hate someone while at the same time loving and pitying them? I just needed some time. Now was the worst time to try and rationalize to myself.

The door swung open and Nana's tired face peaked around the edge. She let out a slightly muffled exclamation.

" You're awake! Odin be praised! Oh my dear girl! I was so worried." She cried out, tears slipping unheeded down her wrinkled cheeks.

Before I could stop her, she covered my face in kisses, crying and telling me how glad she was.

" Oh my dear girl. We have been so worried. You had been missing for three days! Your mother and I looked for you frantically. Then, what do you know, you show up on the parlor room sofa, half dead, with a crude bandage around your midsection!"

I took this all in with shock. Someone bandaged me and took me home? Who? Nana looked at me. Although her eyes were happy, they had a glimmer of sadness.

" Where is my mother?" I asked, my voice trembling.

Nana sighed a heartbreaking sigh. She gathered me in her arms gently, careful of the new, crisp clean bandage that was now wrapped around me.

" She looked for you everywhere. She didn't sleep or eat no matter how hard I begged. It took all my strength to convince her to come home each day. But then, after you returned, she caught a cold. At first it was just a sore throat, but now the healer says she wont be with us much longer." Nana sobbed into my hair.

I allowed the tears of rage at myself, at the people who had kept me from her, and even my mother herself. She couldn't leave me. She just couldn't. I lay there in Nana's arms, allowing her to comfort me as she had when I had been a child.

" How long Nana?" I choked out.

" Not now darling. You have to rest." She said, brushing away my question.

" How long?" I repeated more firmly.

" Any day now." Nana said sadly.

" Take me to her." I commanded.

Nana looked at me with doubt, but when she saw the steely resolve on my face, she nodded. With her help and a lot of pain, I made it to my mother's bed chamber.

Her face was pale and damp with sweat. Her long beautiful hair that I had loved to run my fingers through as a child, now lay pooled around her head like a halo. Her eyes were closed in pain, but she was not sleeping, for her eyes opened the moment I sat in the chair next to her. Her lips were chapped and blistered. Her face was thin and her skin translucent.

I let out a strangled sob. I took her thin, hot hand in my own and kissed it, allowing my tears to land on it.

" How long has she been like this? How long have I been sleeping?" I asked Nana brokenly.

" She has been this way since you returned. You have been in a deep sleep for three weeks." Nana said quietly.

My mother watched me sadly, her beautiful green eyes full of tears. Nana left swiftly, sensing our need to be alone.

" Oh my sweet darling Lola. You are so strong. So beautiful. I shall miss your sweet smile." She said weakly, kissing my hand.

" You're not leaving me mama! You can't! I need you! Please try to hold on for me." I begged, my voice cracking with sobs.

" Do not cry so my dear. Death is so very bittersweet. I leave this world to go to another, but I leave my sweet child behind. Oh darling, do not be always cast down. When death claims one life, it is sure to bring about another. Hold on to Nana darling. She will protect you. I shall miss you my darling Lola." She said, her voice breaking with emotion.

" Oh mother." I whispered sadly. I laid my head on her stomach as she stroked my hair gently.

" I need to tell you something. I have hidden the identity of your father for too long. I always planned on telling you, but I never could bring myself to do so. When I told you he left for war, I said he died. This is what I believed. You see my darling, your father was called cursed. They called him the Kursed. He left to go protect his country from Asgard. Your father was an enemy of Asgard, a traitor. But I saw so much more in him then that. He disappeared for years, leading me to believe he had died. When you were born, I noticed you were different. You possessed a power. So unnaturally beautiful. You see, the Kursed is a man made of fire, a fierce warrior. He killed the queen. He was the one Loki killed. My daughter, your father was a murderer. And yet I loved him. I forgave his past. But he did not love me as I had thought. He never came back. You possess the same powers as him my darling." She finished with a gasp.

My mind was reeling. My father had killed Queen Frigga. Loki had killed my father. I was cursed with the power of a man I had never wanted to call father. I was the daughter of a monster. No matter how mother defended him, I was the result of love between a women and a monster. I sobbed. I could not possibly be this! I was cursed.

" Mother!" I choked.

Her hand trembled and her breathing was ragged and irregular.

" I love you. Never forget to love. Love is beautiful. It turns the ugly into beauty and the broken into beautiful. Love all and hate none. Never forget. Never doubt for a moment that I loved you." She whispered, her voice failing her at the last word. She breathed a shuddering breath and then was silent.

I lifted my head. I shook her. I tried desperately to wake her. I tried to find a heartbeat, but failed. She was gone. I collapsed on her, sobs racking my body.

" I didn't say it back. I didn't say I loved you. I was so mad at you and I didn't say it back!" I sobbed, desperately trying to bring her back. But she was gone.

She had slipped through my fingers. She was gone. I was broken. I was uncompleate.