I haven't been on in a while,
God blessed me in my struggle with PCOS but unfortunately my pregnancy ended at 5 months in a preterm labour.
My son was born at 23weeks weighing 520g. He was too small and he's organs weren't developed. He came out crying and absolutely beautiful, that will forever be burnt into my memory.
I am a mother in memory only and four months on my heart is still as broken as the day it happened.
I believe that god has his plans for me and this is a test of my faith in him. My son was born loved and forever will he be cherished.
I cry everyday for what might have been but i do not doubt that he felt the love i had for him the moment they put him in my arms. I will have another baby (god willing) but my arms1st born will always be carried in my heart till the day i die.
Some days i feel so alone, as thoughts plague my mind, it feels as though no one understands my pain, they expect me to smile like i am ok. I smile but no one sees the pain behind it, no one notices that my smile never reaches my eyes. My husband tries to understand my pain, his heart is broken as well, but my pain runs further than my heart. Some days i feel as though i failed him. I had 5 months to bond with our child as i nurtured him in my belly, he only got 40 minutes. I hope someday he will understand how it kills me that i failed to protect our son. It was my body essentially that failed to protect our child.
