Innocent

After

Ever since about grade five, I knew the other kids were just a tad different from me. They listened to Eminem whilst I listened to Alvin and the Chipmunks - don't judge. It was my slight obliviousness to the dark underbelly of the world that set me apart. I didn't even hear the f-word until I was until I was about 12 - which is pretty old. Blame it on my upbringing, or the fact I never really talked to people, but I was still a 'baby' to everyone.

Maybe that's why I was so shocked. I had never even considered doing it with Benjamin, or anyone else for that matter. The idea of sex is completely unappealing to me, so when my boyfriend refuses to take his hand out of my pants, it's reasonable that I wouldn't react well.

My fingers must have been starting to cut off the circulation in his hand, I was squeezing his wrists that tightly. For a nerd, he was pretty strong, and probably didn't find much challenge in having his hand hover around my privates. My legs were shaking, fear preventing me from thinking straight. What frightened me the most was his expression, however. Menacing, verging on lewd with a twist of anger. The clear ocean of blue in his eyes no longer showed a kind boy, but a dangerous villain.

Yet, if I ignored his hand resting between my hips, and his terrifying expression, I could still make out the face of the boy I loved. Not that it helped the situation much - falling for his charm would only condemn me. But what's a girl meant to do in that scenario? I was too young for that, any of that, and what do children do when they're scared? They scream.

I was about three seconds away from letting my fear turn into screams when Alex knocked on the door. Benjamin jumped, took his hands away from my area, picked up his controller and started to play the game.

"You want to come with me to the convenience store?" Alex asked. Food - even the delicious burgers of the convenience store - was the last thing on my mind. I was trembling, unable to speak. Shit like that doesn't happen to people like me, especially considering how respectful Benjamin is. Sure, nothing really happened, but if Alex hadn't have knocked, that might not have been the case.

I felt dirty, like a gallon of grease had just been tipped on me. I felt shameful, like I could never be the same person again. Worst of all, I felt like I had wronged him, as if by saying no, I've done something horrible. This is crazy, I had thought, he was the one who nearly ra-

Even in my own thoughts I could never bring myself to say it. That one little word that brought with it so much toil and anguish. Not that the word was at fault - I'm not stupid enough to blame the word. Instead, I blamed myself, because blaming Benjamin could mean losing him. And god knows I was still in love with him.

The three of us were walking down the street, making our way to the convenience store, when something truly horrible happened - I saw Olive Dunman jogging on the other side of the street. Shorts too short, tank top too sweaty and ponytail too tight, she looked over at us and smiled. I was so shocked that it took me a while to register that she was waving at Benjamin, not me.

And that's when it hit me. Olive's smile was the most genuine thing I've ever seen her do, her wave was friendly, yet had a hint of alluring about it. My tormentor liked my boyfriend, who tried to force himself on me. It was getting to be too much for me, and the idea of screaming and running away seemed like a good one.

Alex, Benjamin and I kept walking, and when we made it to the store, we let Alex take our orders. I offered to pay, but Benjamin wouldn't have it. We sat on the wooden bench in front of the glass window, waiting for our food. Maybe I was the only one to notice the elephant in the room, but I felt as if something needed to be said.

"Are we going to talk about before?" I asked, my eyes focused on the road ahead of us.

"Ok," he turned to me, and I met his gaze. The same stability I had felt an hour ago was gone, replaced by the fear of things to come.

"What's stopping you?" And that's when I realised why I had felt guilty - because he felt rejected. His eyes were full of hurt, like a kicked puppy. I didn't have an answer to his question, or at least an adequate one.

"Can we just wait? I'm not ready for that." Especially after what he did.

"I know, but I am. I love you, Harley, but I can't wait forever. If you're not ready, I'll have to find someone who is."

Umm, what?

I had no idea if he was being serious, either way it wasn't funny. Alex walked out of the store, and the topic was dropped. We walked home - his home, even though I sometimes consider it mine too - eating our hot chips and talking about games. When we finally made it back to his place, the chips were gone, his mum was still watching music TV's greatest pop hits and Mr Bower was sitting on the couch beside her. Benjamin and I went back to his room - I made sure the door was open fully - to finish our game.

It was like he had never done what he did. I didn't want to talk about it, and I guessed he didn't either. For the remaining hours, we played games, talked and kissed, none of which taking priority in my mind. When it was time for Mrs Bower to take me home, I was still thinking of his promise to go elsewhere, even when we kissed goodbye. Sure, that incredible sense of longing was there, but something had changed.

And not for the better.

A/N - almost one hundred reads?! I was shocked when I had five! So, as a gift to you, when this book hits 100 views and 5 votes, I'll make a special announcement in the next chapter! Trust me, you're going to want to hear it. Thank you so much, from both myself and Harley.