the void - stydia

chapter five

stiles was going insane. void was constantly in his head, telling him he was worthless, blaming him for the deaths of his friends. stiles couldn't take it. every time he slept, he was awake within 15 minutes because of the nightmares. he must have had only 3 hours in almost 5 days.
he shuffled into the bathroom, his veins coursing with what he was about to do. leaning over the sink, he took out his razor, and began along his arms. one for Alison. one for Aiden. one for Scott...one for Lydia. the list got longer. names jumbling in his head, cuts deeper and deeper until his whole forearm was stained deep red and dripping madly into the sink.
stiles stared down at the mess, wondering how deep he would have to cut to kill himself. he wasn't going to, obviously. he just needed to take precaution about how deep he did it.
cleaning himself up, he bandaged his cuts, not paying attention to the blood slowly seeping through his bandage.

walking into his room, he grabbed a bottle of whisky he had bought. well, he had paid someone 10 bucks to buy it for him from the gas station.
taking large mouthfuls, one after the other, he didn't stop until he heard a knock at his door.
putting the cap on the bottle and leaving it on his chest of drawers, stiles flung a flannel shirt on, and sprinted downstairs. opening the door, Scott's face instantly turned concerned.

'stiles. when was the last time you slept?'
stiles lifted his arm, running a hand through his hair. he was about to tell Scott he was fine, spin off a lie, when Scott grabbed his arm.
'you stink of blood...are you hurt?' stiles shuddered at Scott's grasp on his cuts, shaking his head and pulling his arm away. the tug caused one of the deeper wounds to re open, and stiles could see Scott's eyes twitch to his arm.
'what have you done stiles?'
'nothing! Scott why are you here? have you just come to accuse me of things or do you have a decent reason?'
'dude, were studying at Lydia's remember. kira's coming over too. don't tell me you forgot...'
Scott was still looking uncertainly at stiles arm, but he pushed it away. not stiles. stiles was okay.
stiles furthered his thoughts by shooting Scott a smile and teasing him.

'I was just testing you. I'll just go grab my stuff, be down in five.'  stiles ran up the stairs and into the bathroom, quickly replacing his bandages. he was shocked at how deep he had cut, but nothing could be done now. heading into his room, he grabbed his whisky and downed the other half of the bottle.
he didn't acknowledge his coat lying on the bed, didn't realise his pills were in the pocket.

half an hour later, Scott, stiles and kira were sat in Lydia's room, studying with the strawberry blonde, 5'3, green eyed beauty herself.

stiles could feel his eyes shutting, and made an excuse to go to the bathroom, taking his bag with him. searching for his pills desperately, he found nothing.
crap. he was just going to have to stay awake with no help now.
walking back into Lydia's room he faked a smile and sat down next to Lydia, Scott and kira opposite them on the bed.
he zoned out as all the study talk continued, and leaned back against the headboard.

'stiles? stiles wake up. stiles!'
stiles jumped at Lydia's voice, stretching his arms out in shock. he looked at Lydia's clock. 12:30pm...he'd been asleep for 3 hours, without any nightmares. thank god.
'stiles we need to talk.'
oh god, he really did not feel like talking, but the look on Lydia's face kept him in place. his head was aching and he was getting hot flashes, and his hands were shaking. crawling to the edge of Lydia's bed to sit next to her, he innocently smiled.

'what's up Lyds?'
'when did you do this?' Lydia grabbed stiles hand gently and rolled his sleeve up, showing the blood stained bandage had ridden up his arm and failed to conceal his cuts. stiles stared in Lydia's face in horror. he was so ashamed.
'you ruined it stiles. now she's never going to love you back. who wants a worthless, messed up boyfriend.' void would not shut up, but stiles needed to answer Lydia's question. he looked at her face. she was worried, and upset, he could see it in her eyes.

'I..I'm sorry Lyds. I just...couldn't.'

Lydia pressed her forehead against stiles' holding her breath before speaking.
'stiles why didn't you talk to me. I'm supposed to be here for you. I'm your anchor.' Lydia really did look heartbroken, so stiles decided to be honest. for the first time in weeks, he was honest.

Lydia sat listening, offering comfort when she thought necessary. she was in shock. but she had been right-stiles had been taking drugs, drinking. she had known something was up with him. when stiles finished talking, he looked at her, and her heart broke into a million pieces. he looked so vulnerable.

'stiles, this isn't what we saved you for. none of this is your fault. your not worthless, you never will be. the pack needs you, especially me. what would I do without you? what would Scott do? stiles, please don't go down this path. please, I'm begging you. anything you need, I'll support you and help you, but you have to promise me you won't ever do this-any of this-ever again. please stiles. promise me?'
stiles looked at Lydia, her makeup removed and her hair shoved behind her ears messily. she was still perfect in every way. taking a deep breath, he looked her in the eyes.

'I promise Lydia. I promise...I'm sorry. I really am sorry. but promise me something too...don't tell Scott. don't tell anyone...please. I can't deal with them all knowing.'
'okay stiles. despite how much I want to tell Scott, because he can help, I won't. because I value what we have more than that. I value you more than that. so I promise. and I promise to never stop caring for you stiles, ever. because I love you. I love you stiles stilinski.'

Lydia leaned forward, pressing her lips gently against stiles'. stiles felt his heart stop, the blood rushing to his head. he slowly grasped Lydia's hand in his sweaty Palm as he kissed back.
stiles knew he would be okay. the banshee would keep her promise, he knew it, and he would keep his.