The C Word

Chapter Twenty-Seven

After her outburst in the doctor's office, Jared and the other staff employee, named Matthew, tried to take her back to her room as she proceeded to be very difficult. She was once again strapped down to the bed but after screaming nonstop for over two hours, she was placed in confinement or what others may consider the "white padded room."

The walk to that place was as creepy as a dungeon. She was physically restrained as they took her to confinement, which hurt even more, but no one seemed to care. Dr. Lexington just watched Jared and Matthew to ensure that the legal holds were safely executed.

They carried her to what seemed to be the basement of the building. It was dark and eery with a horrible smell of mold and human waste mixed with bleach. She didn't want to be left there by herself but she couldn't stop herself from lashing out. It was as if she was in a war within herself. She was trying so hard to cooperate because she was scared but she also wanted to harm the staff for imprisoning her. She couldn't understand her conflicted emotions or how to get a handle of herself.

She spent the next few days in the white padded room. There, no one could hear her screams or have to deal with her combative behavior. She was left alone in darkness surrounded by a soft substance that was supposed to keep from hurting herself but she was still in pain. She had never been more afraid in her entire life and didn't know how she would ever escape the confines of the small room used to house her.

Any time they tried to give her any medications, she would spit the pills in their faces then become upset because she didn't understand why she had just done that. She was constantly blacking out and not remembering what had just happened. The harder she tried to control herself, the more she blacked out. Whenever she came too, she would learn that she tried to harm either herself or others but she couldn't recall anything. Most staff employees believed that she was lying but Dr. Lexington always seemed to accept her versions of what happened, even though she couldn't fully explain them herself.

****

After a full week of receiving the liquid and injectable form of her prescriptions, she was able to return back to her joint room. Her voice was gone and her throat burned from the hours of screaming that she had done. Her body was exhausted and marked with bruises slightly covered by her dark complexion. Her mind felt cloudy but she was finally able to relax without constantly feeling the need to act out.

She was allowed to sleep instead of participating in group activities or therapy which she appreciated. She was only forced into the dining hall to eat daily meals. She had no appetite and the look of the welfare food didn't help to encourage her to eat either. Most of the other patients kept a far distance from her due to her uncharted violence and at that moment, she was too confused to feel lonely from the lack of social interaction.

When was awake, she kept her head down and never looked at anyone in the face. She was too tired to function but did feel comfort when her roommate held her hand. She didn't know why the strange girl did that but it was the only time anyone touched her with care. When she asleep, her dreams consisted of a mixture of memories from her days as Livy Marie, the abusive nightmares, and times of being in the institute that she didn't remember experiencing. For that reason alone, she couldn't sleep peacefully until she was given sleeping meds which placed her in a hazy facade during the day. 

The Catch 22.

As the days continued, she felt less like herself and started second guessing her whole identity as Livy Marie Green. As much as she wanted prove Dr. Lexington wrong, she realized something was seriously disturbed about herself and that her memory was a trap door which produced different events any time she knocked. She didn't know what was real and what was not because she was truly lost with no map to navigate back to reality.

****

As she kept to herself, she enjoyed feeling nothing. Her thoughts were quiet and she was in control of herself. She was back to taking her prescribed pills by mouth but wasn't ready for therapy just yet. Dr. Lexington said that they could just start with small daily talks but she still refused.

She also refused to go outside with the others. She was still struggling with her new environment and trying to piece together the jagged puzzle of her broken mind. The thought of stepping outside the building meant to protect her, placed doubt in her mind that she may not really be Livy Marie and she wasn't ready to approach that just yet. Or that all the people she loved was only a figment of her disturbed perception.

But for some reason, she couldn't fully let go. The loving relationship with her parents. The bond she shared with Mandi. The love/hate situation with Shailly. The love she had for Judd. The hard work she put into school to obtain her degree. The bittersweet respect she had for her family's businesses. Basically, everything that made her Livy Marie Green. 

Could there possibly be such a mental illness that calibrated to a level that made her create a false world in her mind? And if so, would there ever be a treatment that fixed her or made her normal enough to live outside of the walls that trapped her in?

For the first time since she had awoken, she cried tears of despair. For over a month, she experienced many emotions then nothing at all. On that particular day, she felt immense sadness and as if her heart was broken. She cried out from the pain of not knowing who she was and why she was so sick. She cried out for her loss even though she didn't know the reality of what was gone. And she cried out for the people that she continued to hurt even when she couldn't control or explain her behavior.

As she laid on her back and stared at the ceiling, she couldn't help but to feel the tickling sensation her tears caused as they slid out of her eyes and towards her ears. Every breath she took was like stabbing herself in the stomach over and over again. Even though the pain made her feel alive, she craved the feeling of nothing at all. She wasn't strong enough to handle the emerging emotions that consumed her all at once.

She needed to feel solitude. She needed to feel peace.