sweets ✧ r.kaji ˣ ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ

40: roses, not butterflies

"i'm sorry—" "sorry for—"

fuck. you were going to apologize for dumping all your feelings onto kaji now that the two of you were finally alone. for confessing so suddenly and not considering his own emotions.

"go first—" "y-you can—"

fuck. it was so embarrassing you had to bury your face in your hands. the smell of cheese-flavored potato corner didn't bother you. "you first. please," you whispered.

kaji nodded awkwardly. "so, um...i'm sorry for running away yesterday. that was stupid. i meant to... i just, uh, couldn't process...properly... i'm sorry—"

"th-that was my fault, though!" you blurted out as you looked up, surprising even yourself. "i confessed so s-suddenly...so, like, you were shocked, and that's understandable—it's just, um, it's not your fault for, like, running. i should've thought about how you felt, and, like, when i told you, i probably info-dumped you, with my...rants, and, like, ugh... i'm probably...being pretty lame right now, huh?" you were subject to your own criticism the way you apologized for rambling and in a ramble.

"...you aren't lame. you never were. a-and, even if you are lame..." his eyebrows were knitted up in what looked like frustrated humiliation. "...i'll still...like...you..." he mumbled.

your e/c eyes widened. it occured to you that however embarrassed you were feeling now, kaji most likely had it way worse. imagine getting confessed to and then running away. secondhand embarrassment almost as bad as hinata sneaking into the camp, bro... however sadistic it felt thinking that, it still made you feel lighter.

"'like'? not 'love' anymore?" you managed to tease. when his large eyes stared at you like they were digging holes in your face, you laughed. no matter how much you felt high around him, making fun of kaji still felt like normal.

a part of you was relieved because of that. maybe it was scared that if you confessed, the two of you wouldn't be the same as before anymore. but now, it was glad that some things would never seem to change.

the boy's face was red, a beautiful contrast to those ocean eyes. "i still—i still love you! it's just that...love...is something...really hard to say."

even to me? you wanted to ask, but you didn't. unlike last time, you wanted to change. you wanted to become someone easy to be around, someone who is thoughtful, and someone who'd never again give another person a question they can't answer.

you didn't want anyone you loved to run away.

"it's okay," you said instead. "cause i love you."

"stop it!" he threw a barbecue fry at you.

you caught it and ate it because your parents are asian. "stop what? don't you love me back?"

"n...yeah. dammit," he answered in defeat.

before you could even get to the topic of dating like what lana had talked about, the break was already over. the rest of the session was way better—more comfortable, like you had gotten a weight off your shoulders even though you didn't discuss what happened after mu yet.

you and kaji helped buy cat food for grandmas, fixed furniture with hammers and nails, cleaned up broken window shards... it felt as if the two of you were good again.

no, even better. it's like there aren't any secrets kept from each other anymore.

you thought that it was okay if you didn't even get to be his girlfriend so long as you could stay like this forever. if hiding your desire was all it took for you to be happy with kaji, then you'd live a hundred lifetimes with him as your friend rather than getting the real dating thing done.