Dai

Lost?

I caught a glimpse of my own past, a window into what's gone. The melody of the distant violin that i missed, it made my eyes wet with tears. I sat alone in the darkness bubble of the night, surrounded by endless worlds of my tired sick mind trying to survive. Sanity is no longer taken for granted, who am i to announce truth in my logic, who am i to believe my emotional heart? Three faces, one man, i had so much and lost even more. I wish i could actually help this sore heart, a heart of a woman who resented me...

"Hama, tell me your story..." I asked her, she looked down at her feet surrounded by pure white sand. Her face was pale, but it told a story of the old smile she wore. Her eyes were torn by sadness but they carried traces of long lost happiness. Fading warmth of her dying heart felt so weak and tired.

"Any other god would have killed me, devoured me right at the moment i ran away, even before that when i raised my voice..." She walked forward, her back facing me, before looking over her shoulder with doubtful eyes. "But you... Are so different..."

She turned to face me, she looked so weak and humble. "I'm the fifth generation of my family taking care of the temple. When my mother was around 15, she witnessed the arrival the last two gods since then" as Hama spoke, the white sand around us began to climb quickly and form shapes. The very first was the temple back in Stopp. Sand even formed shapes of people and worshipers. One of the shapes began to develop vivid colors, a young girl knelt at the door of the temple before two other people whose sand was dark and without details. Looking closer at the young girl, she looked like Hama, only a bit different. She must be Hama's mother. Inside her heart, she can make her memories into reality, relive them again. I felt like the vague details were beyond her, since this was her mother's story.

"gods always begin at our town, Stopp. They find themselves at the hill you were at, then reach us through the world's guidance. The temple is their very first place they can learn and know about our world. Unfortunately..."
She went on, the sand kept forming shapes of her story. The grassland, the hill, two people made of black sand standing on top. Humans resembled darkness, the black sand.
"gods are always... Corrupted. They are born from the depth of their desires, from their cravings and needs... What they lacked before is granted to them. Their power, their strength, everything they have overflows them, devours their hearts so that they devour others'..."
The sand was roughly shaping dark figures that were brutally killing and destroying others, they ate them. I recalled the horrible experience i first encountered here. My stomach was sick, my chest began to tighten. She was getting more comfortable, it felt like she had nothing to lose anymore, her fear of being hurt by what she was saying has disappeared.

"My mother was going to be another nameless victim for the gods, we can never oppose, we can never hurt them... You remember when you came here, you were struck by a hammer... No pain, we can't fight the gods or stop them. She feared for her life, having spent her entire life worshiping and learning everything there is to help and please a god, she was going to simply die. One of the gods took an interest in her..." The sand began to form a face, a body covered in armor, a weapon, the staff with an orb at its top.
I almost knew what she was about to say.
"That god spared my mother's life in return for her body... She hated everything about him, and yet had to worship her husband.. My hated father, the one who's destroyed our lives and took away innocence and beauty... He abandoned me and took away my mother when i was three... I learned everything i can at the temple, i grew with disgust, hating all gods i was supposed to serve and worship. For so many years, no new gods came, we felt safe... Till the day you arrived"

The story she told through words was made real so vividly through the sand around us. Her aching heart, her furious feelings, they fuel my own rage and fury. That horrible man's figure as he took lives and brought suffering onto these people. I saw it myself, his indifference when eating another man, cold blooded horrifying monster carrying the title god. Who knows what other horrifying stories are hidden within the pages of time, the stories of other gods. Humans, we lose our sanity when given power, we are truly... Disgusting.

"Your arrival was accompanied by fear striking the hearts of everyone here. We forgot how to kneel, but gave up our dignities for the sake of life. What would you do with someone who brings you fear but you have no mean of defending yourself against him...? I tried to stay calm and suppress my feelings, tried to avoid looking into your eyes or talking much, i feared that you'd see how much i hated your gut, how i wished i could cause you pain and agony the way your kind did to this world...

But, i hated you even more... For being so different from them all...

The first time we met, you held my hand, my heart stopped beating, i couldn't breath for what seemed an eternity. Your hands, your eyes, your voice, your questions, everything you asked, the way you were handling the reality of your new situation and nature... Other gods were already eating people by that time, many tortured and experimented with us. We were less than human, that's how they viewed us. The second one to have noticed your difference was Dicer... He told us before you met him last night that he truly sensed a different heart within you, a heart so similar to ours, a heart unlike a god's heart. You are different, your care for a lowly girl like me, you used your power to reach me... Others used theirs to destroy..."

She started crying harder, the sand was raging up and started to form countless shapes of hands that rushed towards me and knocked me down to the ground so hard, pinning me in place.
She can't get rid of her emotions and feelings, it's impossible. Her heart can't believe that anyone could be different from what she saw and experienced. It's funny, i began to recall things from my own past. Flashes of a heart that refused to believe that it can find anyone different, that refused to have any kind of hope in a better future. Like Hama, i had no intention of changing my own static view of the world... After all, it's justified, i had evidence from my own painful experiences, she had her evidence, she was the ultimate evidence.

I saw her tears falling down, almost frozen in time every time they hit the sand. My heart, if i had any by now, was sad. What a simple word to describe how i felt, but it was the only one i could find. I'm sad, i wished i could give her back some happiness...

Wait...

Wish? Some happiness?

Why am i wishing? Why some happiness and not all?

"I don't care if you want me dead" i finally found my voice "If my death is what will bring you happiness, then i will spend the rest of my days figuring out how to get rid of my life. I'm not trying to save myself here Hama" the sand pushed against me harder, i didn't care at all.
"What would you say if you had one of those gods you hated so much on your side, by your side? What if instead of serving me, i served you...?" The sand all around me collapsed quickly, my words finally reached her. I stood up, facing her, my eyes seeking her tired wet ones, she looked away at first. She must be in disbelief. I walked towards her, holding her soft hands once more.

"Hama, let me be the redemption of gods, for all they have done... Let me be the one who will mend and heal"

She finally looked into my eyes, her tears were agonizing. However, she finally smiled, burying her face against my chest and crying harder than before.

"I hate how different you are you stupid damn idiotic god... I hate how i can't hate you anymore!" She finally gave in, i held her close as she kept crying, slowly calming down till she finally stopped and simply found peace in my arms.

The endless sand field around us faded away, we returned to where we were in the street. People were surprised, as if we popped into existence just now. They knelt before me quickly. I smiled, looked up to the two shining orbs of light in the clear orange sky.

Is this my true purpose... Dai?