A Burning Desire (Johnlock Fanfic)

Heatbreak

A/N ~ TRIGGER WARNING. THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING TO SOME PEOPLE SO PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION.

John woke up in Sherlock's bed, struggling to remember what had happened. All he could remember was the fire, the smoke filling his lungs and then...Sherlock. John sat bolt upright. Sherlock? Alive? No.. He must have been hallucinating. He collapsed back onto the bed. "You shouldn't have sat up so quick John."  Sherlock had been watching John all night, terrified. If he ever lost John... well.. Sherlock didn't know what he'd do. He loved John. He only wished that he could embrace John at last and tell him how he felt. John felt anger surging through his veins. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE SHERLOCK? I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! IT'S BEEN THREE YEARS! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME?"

"John, please, let me--"

"Sherlock, I thought you were gone. You let me grieve. You let me go through the worst three years of my life. I shall repeat this again: do you have any idea what you've done to me?"

"To some extent."

"Oh come on. You're lying!"

"Of course I am John! How could I not know? I'm sorry, I really am." Sherlock walked over to John's side. "I never wanted to hurt you." He said quietly, looking at the floor. John exploded again. "YOU NEVER MEANT TO HURT ME? YOU THOUGHT I'D BE OKAY WITH YOU JUST COMMITTING SUICIDE?" John  felt tears leave his eyes "I thought it was me. I thought I was the reason you jumped. I took it out on myself." He said between broken sobs. Sherlock had begun to well up. What had he done? "I'm so sorry. I never meant for this, or for you to take it out on yourself. That's the last thing I would've wanted. Please, show me? How bad is it?" John hesitated before allowing Sherlock to lift up his sleeve to reveal what seemed to be hundreds of cuts. He stepped back in shock. How could John have done this? Why? "Are there anymore?" He asked in a small voice. John looked away from Sherlock and shamefully nodded. "Where?" He asked soothingly. "O-O-On my o-other arm.." John replied timidly, still not looking at Sherlock. Sherlock lifted John's other sleeve to reveal just as many cuts. That was it. Sherlock was in tears. "I am so sorry John, I understand if you will never forgive me for what I've done to you, but please, tell me why?" He could barely string two words together through his sobs. "I was terrified Sherlock. I was devastated and hurt and heartbroken. What was I going to do? What was I supposed to do? You had gone, or so I thought, and I thought it was my fault. I thought you hated me and that that was your only form of escape: suicide." John was crying now. "I took it out on myself. I caused you pain so I caused myself pain. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, y'know." Sherlock got up, a million thoughts racing round his head. He couldn't believe it. He had put John through so much and it hurt to see the damage that he had caused. "John, words cannot express just how much it hurts to see this and to hear you say those words. I am so terribly sorry. Sorry doesn't even begin to cover how bad I feel. In truth, I don't know what to say."

"I know this is a cover up Sherlock. I know you hate me. I know."

"What are you talking about John? Why would I hate you?"

"I'm nothing compared to you Sherlock. Nothing. I'm worthless. What have I ever done right? Nothing. I'm probably better off dead." Sherlock's heart shattered. "Don't you ever say that again! You are something John! You are someone!" John interrupted Sherlock. "You should have let me die."

"No. No. I would never have let you die if there was any chance at all, even the slightest possibility that I could save you! I would never let you go John. I mean it."

"I've done nothing for you! I've done nothing for anyone! Why would you care Sherlock? Why?"

"Because I love you..." Sherlock thought. "Because I care about you John. I need you John." John laughed. "You? Need me? Ha. Rubbish."

"John please, stop. You are someone" Sherlock said walking towards him "you are someone important John. Your life is worth more than you know. I hate hearing you say this. Do you know what it feels like? It feels like someone has picked up a knife and stabbed me in the heart twenty times. I will always be here to protect you and care for you." and love you.. He added mentally.  "Please, don't ever do this again. Promise me." Sherlock gazed intently at John. "Promise me John." John didn't look at Sherlock. "Please?" John turned to stare into Sherlock's eyes. His heart skipped a beat. He saw fear, desperation, sadness, heartbreak, things he never thought Sherlock felt. "Promise me you won't do it again John. Please. I know you have no reason to trust me right now but please, just promise me you will never go back to this." John was heartbroken. "I promise Sherlock." Those three words made Sherlock feel as if a small weight had been lifted. He pulled John into an embrace filled with love, joy, and at the same time, sadness. "Thank you."