A Burning Desire (Johnlock Fanfic)

Habit

A/N ~ TRIGGER WARNING. THIS CHAPTER IS PROBABLY TRIGGERING SO PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION.

It had been a long night. John was made to lie down and rest while Sherlock sat in a chair in the corner of the room, making sure he was okay. Sherlock had fallen asleep around eleven leaving John with her s thoughts. Although he had promised Sherlock he wouldn't do it again, he was severely depressed. He was nothing when compared to Sherlock. Sherlock Holmes was the world's greatest detective! And he was John Watson. An army doctor sent home due to injuries. Pathetic. That's what he was. Pathetic. He was a nobody. He just wanted to die. What was the point in living when you didn't have a purpose or something to live up to? There wasn't. John turned over. He froze. He saw a penknife on the bedside table. His arm started itching with the need to feel it as it broke apart his skin. He had to, he needed to. But Sherlock? No, that promise isn't worth anything. Except it was. That promise was supposed to keep him alive. He couldn't break it and scare Sherlock could he? He needed the relief. With a shaky hand he picked up the knife. He held it in his hand for mere seconds when Sherlock awoke. "John? What are you doing?!" He sounded panicked? What was he going to do now? "Nothing.." He mumbled sheepishly. Sherlock looked crestfallen. "I'm not stupid John."

"Sherlock please.. I can't help it, I need it Sherlock. You don't understand."

"Fight it John. You don't need it. You can help it. You can do it, you can fight it."

"You're wrong." John held the knife, poised above his flesh and braced himself for the pain. He plunged it into his skin... Only to it was rubber. He let out tears of frustration.

"I had a feeling you would do this. I had to see whether you'd keep your promise. I'm sorry."

"I need this Sherlock. I need to feel it. I just have to."

"NO John. You do NOT need it. You are stronger than this, I know you are."

"I'm not. Not anymore. A lot changes in three years. Especially when the person I need most is gone. I need you Sherlock. But I'm not who I was. I've changed. I need this." John leapt out of bed and grabbed something sharp on the way out, he didn't care what. He locked himself in the bathroom and then barricaded it so Sherlock couldn't come in. Sherlock was powerless. There was nothing he could do to stop John. "It's hard to break a habit Sherlock, even you know that. And when you've gotten into the habit of coming in from a day of work, heading straight to your room and just letting all the stress and pain go, well, you just get used to it. You rely on it Sherlock. And when you've done every single day for three years it's hard to stop. Especially when the feelings are still there." John's voice was wavering and teary. "I can help you John. Please, let me in?" Sherlock barely managed a whisper, he was terrified. What could John do? No, what would John do?
   On the other side of the door John was just as scared. What was he doing? He looked at what he picked up. A small stone. He sighed. It had a sharp looking edge that was actually blunt and useless. He couldn't do anything even if he wanted to. What was he doing what had he gotten himself into. John was ashamed of what he was doing and what he was going to do. He was going to break Sherlock's promise! He needed someone to hold him and tell him it was going to be alright but who would? "I can help you John. Please, let me in?" He heard Sherlock's voice through the door. John sighed again and got up to unlock the door. He was met by and equally as teary eyed man as he himself. John looked to the ground, afraid to meet the eyes of the only slightly younger man. "It's going to be okay John. I'll help you through this." Sherlock lifted John's face and stared into his chocolate brown eyes. It was a moment so precious it made Sherlock's heart beat just a little faster. It was the perfect opportunity-- but no. John was plagued with enough trouble as it is. Sherlock wasn't going to add more stress and confusion to his load. He held John, and as he did he could feel John start to relax. "I'll help you through this. You aren't alone anymore." Sherlock whispered.