Never Too Late

Chapter Thirty Nine

"Are there any sites you want to see while in England?" Rachel asked but Johan shrugged.

"I don't know," Johan murmured, tying his shoelaces as he sat outside the doorway of their house. The wind was soft and warm, carrying the calm haze of summer but he felt listless.

"I can make a list of places to visit if you're interested." Rachel offered and Johan nodded quietly.

"That would be nice, I'd appreciate that," he told her as he got up to go inside the house.

"Wait," she called, halting him in his steps.

"Yeah?" He asked, anticipating that perhaps she wanted him to take her to dance class instead of Luke who was running late.

"I'm happy you got into the college you wanted!" Rachel told him happily. Her eyes were glowing with pride from his achievements, and her praise, albeit small moved him. He felt profound gratitude for her because she was the first person to stretch a warm hand to him when he came to his parents' house, and she always treated him kindly.

"Thanks, I mean it." He said, mustering the courage to tell her.

"No worries." She smiled but Johan knew the truth. She didn't have to say it but he knew she was sad he would be leaving soon. He felt a pang of guilt because he didn't know whether he wanted to go with Liz or stick to his college plan, but one thing he was certain of, was that he would miss his little sister.

"Look, here comes Luke," he remarked while pointing to his car coming up the road.

"I was wondering when he would get here!" She pouted and Johan chuckled.

After seeing her off, he went up to his room, hoping to lie down and rest his mind from his worries, but to his surprise, his mother was standing outside his door. Her expression was marked with worry and the moment she noticed him, she shot him a concerned look.

"What's wrong Mom?" Johan asked perplexed.

"I think I should be asking you that question, what are these?" She asked sharply before holding out a pack of cigarettes to him.

"Where did you get those?" Johan asked in surprise.

"I found them in your Jacket," She told in an accusatory tone laced with disappointment. Johan stared at her, confused, until he realized she must've mixed up Luke's jacket with his when she was doing the laundry.

"Those aren't mine -" Johan began before stopping himself. She didn't know that Luke smoked, and he didn't want to be the one to betray his brother, but he also didn't want to shoulder the blame. "They belong to a friend."

"They were in your jacket," His mother announced firmly. "How long have you been smoking?"

"I don't smoke," Johan said defensively, hoping she would see his sincerity and take his word for it. "Do you really think I'd smoke?"

"I don't know," she admitted somberly and Johan stood still with shock, disbelieving she would have this little faith in him.

"You don't know?" he repeated, his voice filled with hurt.

"Your foster mothers told me you did things that I probably didn't know and I see this is one of them." She stated calmly but her words struck him with surprise. 

"You spoke to my foster mothers!?" Johan asked visibly upset.

"Yes, when I picked up your school documents a few months ago, remember," She said, hoping to calm him but the damage was already done.

"Whatever they told you, it's a lie!" he protested, barely hiding his growing distress. The fact that they would try to tarnish his image long after he'd left their care enraged him even more.

"They mentioned that you were a bit troubled in the past," she spoke gently, trying to placate him. "Johan, I understand there are things you might not want to tell me but I'm here for you. I'm only trying to look out for you, and smoking isn't the way to deal with problems."

"I haven't been smoking!" Johan defended angrily before taking a step back when he realized he had raised his voice at his mother.

She reacted with a bit of surprise, and Johan could tell that whatever else his foster mothers had told her, she was believing, and it made him feel sick.

"You haven't mentioned Luke this entire conversation," Johan noted quietly after a moment.

"I know, Luke," Hanna said, reaching a hand towards Johan, but he pulled away.

"But you don't know me?" Johan asked, wounded by her words before turning away from her and retreating back down the stairs. His mother called and went after him but he got in his car and drove off.

He drove until he was on the coast and continued down the road for a while before coming to a stop near a low wall bordering the shore and the highway. He sat down on the wall and quietly listened to the waves crash into the rocks.

"I wish I could forget," he whispered under his breath just as a large wave crashed into the shore.

Resting his head in his hands, he slowly came to terms that his past was still an anchor in his life. He could feel the chains wrapped around his legs, and with each breath, they weighed him down more but he couldn't go back to that life. The past few months he began to realize he didn't fit in with his old friends anymore. It was hard to admit, but he felt embarrassed whenever he went back to his old town, and he was ashamed of the way he had lived in the past.   Worst of all, he despised himself for feeling he was now better than them, even if he didn't want to.

Why should he go overseas and study? Why was he special? Less than a year ago, he was sitting on an undersized bed in his foster house, wearing hand-me-down clothes. Now, he had more luxuries than he could've ever imagined. The truth is, he was afraid that one day people would realize he didn't belong.

Slowly he raised his head again just as another wave crashed against the rocks and shocked him from his daze. The glint of the sun over the horizon made him squint, a glowing orange ball hanging in the sky beautifully. Sorrow overcame him and he felt something slowly begin to burn in his chest, an ache he couldn't quite touch, but he knew was there.

He knew what he had to do.

Rising to his feet, he got up and went to his car before getting back in and taking off again. He drove until he was outside of town and was back in an all too familiar place he had been avoiding for a little while. Low-income houses with broken fences lined the streets until he came to a roundabout that brought him to a row of rundown apartments. Hopping out of his car, he ascended the flight of stairs and then stopped outside Liz's door. When he knocked, she opened it and seemed surprised to see him but she smiled softly. Johan dreaded returning home, so he didn't know where else to go but here. Liz was the one who knew him best and whose arms were always open, so he thought it was only natural that he went to her. She could erase his worries and troubles, albeit for a while, but every moment with her was worth it.

"I was wondering when you were dropping by. I've been waiting for you," she greeted him. In response, Johan wordlessly took her into his arms and buried his face against her. Liz asked him nothing but she seemed to know everything without words being exchanged.

She never judged him or pointed out his flaws; she never made him feel small. As she pulled him to her room, he realized just how much he needed her. He needed someone who would never hurt him. She was the only person he could truly trust.

His heart ached, however, when he wondered if he was using her to fill a void. Was this fair to her? He thought as she pushed him back and he fell back on her bed before pulling her onto his lap.

"Hey," he whispered to her as the sunlight poured through the window and illuminated her figure. She smiled and let her hair down before leaning closer to him.

"What?" She blushed.

Johan took her hand in his and softly kissed her palm before staring into her eyes. "I'm coming with you."