I paid the barista and carried my pumpkin spice latte to the stairs to the second floor. I looked up the towering steps, well, actually, only 15. I counted. I put my hand on the banister, took a deep breath in, let it out slowly, and took the first step up. Then the second, third, fourth, until I reached the small second floor seating area. I sighed with relief. Dr. Magruder was right. I was much better in only two weeks. Since the breakthrough. Since I found out.
I crossed the floor to a table by the window, feeling giddy and a bit lightheaded, but with excitement, not panic. I sat with my back to the dread window of the second-floor seating in the coffee shop where Milly and I used to stop when we were walking downtown. I sipped my pumpkin spice latte while I waited for her to appear. The latte was just right, warm and fragrant. Milly had promised to come, for I wanted to explain something about Ted and me that she needed to know before she learned it from someone else.
She knew we both loved her, but Ted and I were in some ways too much alike for her to choose. Cousins who looked like twins (Our mothers were identical twins. My mom does have an identical twin.) Why she'd never met our families. Why I wouldn't sit by windows over the first floor--until today, or go to any high places, among other things.
My pumpkin spice latte was half finished when Milly stepped onto the floor and looked for me at our usual former place by the back wall, away from windows and those danged high steps. She started to sit, and I stood up and waved. She saw me and her mouth open in in an "O" of surprise. I waved her over. She sat her cappuccino and coffee cake on the table before sitting down. I was so thrilled to see her my heart beat faster, and not in a panic attack.
"Ned?" I nodded. "For a minute I thought you were Ted. I mean," she stopped. "His bicycle is outside. She frowned "Or one just like it. Then the window. You're deathly afraid of heights."
I lowered my eyes. "That's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about." I twirled my cup in my fingers and looked straight into her beautiful brown eyes with their curly dark lashes. Her cheeks were pink from the cold outside. She hardly needed makeup. I'd told her makeup would be like painting over the Vermeer painting, that girl with the pearl earbob.
I looked at her again. She looked good, fresh, and healthy. "You broke up with both Ted and me because you couldn't choose between us. My...anxieties. Since the car accident." I turned and looked out the window and the building across the street. "A pigeon is sitting on a windowsill of that bank across the street." She shifted in her chair.
She looked past my shoulder, out the window, where a grey pigeon strutted and bobbed across the windowsill. "Ted?" I shood my head. "Ned." Her mouth compressed, a small pout. She didn't want to say something that hurt me.
"I could almost believe you're Ted. I cared for you both, but with your blackouts, and, and your anxiety. I was surprised you sat by the window. When I saw you there, I thought you were Ted. This is the first time I've ever seen you willingly go to a height. You shake and have panic attacks." She asked quietly. "Is the therapy helping? A new anxiety medication?" I'm so happy for you if it is."
"Yes." I blinked. "No new meds. That's only part of it." Where to begin? "You broke up with me because of the blackouts and the anxieties that were," I sighed, "let's face it, crippling. Fear of heights, won't drive or ride a bicycle."
"Yes. I couldn't help you, and something was wrong. I mean, not bad." She waited till I looked at her. "Just something missing. A hole. You were almost Mr. Right, and I don't mean the panic attacks. You're a good man." Her eyes floated over me like a caress.
"I broke up with Ted because he was so often unavailable. I'd call or text, and sometimes it would be a day or more before he got back to me." She sat back in her chair and remembered. "He was so exciting. Riding motorcycles, hiking the mountains." She looked at me sadly, her face falling. "I needed more than that. You almost had it."
