A Love Like That

VIII. Coward

 I yawned as we sat in the couch watching The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I was really enjoying the movie and I wanted to finish it. But I was exhausted and I had to pee. So I went to the bathroom again and after that I explored more of the apartment.

I walked into his room. 

The shades of the window were drawn so I could see into brightly lit city. It was already dark out and must have been around 8:00 or 9:00. 

Thanks to the city light that came in through the window, I could see the dark blue comforter on the queen sized bed, and a couple pictures hung around the wall. For some reason I found myself sitting on the bed just looking around the dark place, taking it all in.

I must have been there for too long because Logan soon came and leaned against the door frame looking out the window too.

I looked back when I heard him coming.

"I paused the movie." He said.

"Oh sorry, I didn't realize I was making you wait." I said yawning again. I tried rubbing the sleep out of my eyes but it was pointless. "I'm exhausted." I said.

"Then I kindly offer you my bed." He said, elegantly signaling to the bed.

"Thank you kind sir." I said.

He let me borrow an extra-extra-extra-extra-large t-shirt that he found. It fit me like a dress.

"I don't remember where that came from. I never use it so you can have it." He said handing it to me. I thanked him and before he left the room he said "If you need anything else, I'll be on the couch."

I settled into the shirt, turned off the lights, and tucked myself into bed.

I'm lying in a guy's bed. Logan Lerman's bed. Holy shit!

I would have though about it more had I not been so exhausted. So after a few seconds I hit the sleep hard.

I have vague memories of waking up in the middle of the night to pee and going to the kitchen for some water and seeing Logan asleep on the couch. I may or may not have put a blanket over him. I was too much in a daze to know if that actually happened or if I was dreaming it.

Since sleeping around nine was kind of early for my usual nocturnal habits, I woke up very early the next morning. Logan was still sleeping. It 5:00 when I actually woke up around 8:00 or 9:00.

I though of going total cliche and making breakfast for us both but as soon as I opened the fridge the smell of the left overs and all the other food hit my nose and made me gag. I ran to the nearest trash can and emptied my stomach's contents in it. The smell of vile hit my nose even harder than the food had and I threw up again.

I must have been very loud or Logan was a light sleeper because he was on me in no time. He put his hands on my back trying to comfort me.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before lifting my head from the trash can. This never ever happened to me, I hated to admit it but, I had the pregnancy symptoms.

Don't cry. Don't cry.

"You OK?" Logan asked putting his hand on my shoulder.

"I'm fine." I croaked embarrassed.

I cleaned my face and rinsed my mouth.

When I made it back to the kitchen, coffee was brewing and Logan was sitting at the table looking thoughtful.

"You really are pregnant aren't you?" He asked looking up at me.

He didn't believe me! He invited me over to test me?! How cruel!

I wanted to say so much, but all I did was stand there hurt with my mouth open.

"You thought I was lying?! After I'll never be able to afford another plane ticket in thirty years and ruined the rest of my future? You're unbelievable! Haven't you hurt me enough!" I finally said shaking my head.

"You can't blame me for being cautious!" He said defensively.

I walked out of the kitchen.

"I'm done! I'm so done!" I said to myself heading to the room and picking up my things.

"I'm going to Faith's and then... And then?" I sat on the bed realizing I was seriously lacking money and had no plan. I dug my face into my hands.

Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! What am I doing? What am I going to do?

I was about to cry for the millionth time that week.

Stupid mood swings! I hate this! I'm so angry!

I paced around the room hopping calm down and think up a plan, which was still going to Faith's.

So what you're just gonna run away? Again? You're such a coward. All you ever do is run away. When he wasn't here that morning, what did you do? When you found out you where pregnant and didn't want anyone you knew to find out, what did you do? What are you doing now? Run run run. Coward!

I closed my eyes and three myself back on the bed. I stared up at the ceiling. Truth is: I really was a coward, I was scared of everything.

 And there was only one way to change that.

I'll stay and face this. It's decided.