Atonement

Chapter Eighteen {Come Back}

"Burst in the door and/ Take me away/ No more mistakes/ Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay."

-Thinking of You, Katy Perry

Time meant nothing. It stood still. What was day was now night. We ran until the horse could run no more. Even after, we simply walked. My head drooped against the horse, my tears staining his already sweaty neck. I felt afraid to move. If I moved, Russ would say something. Even hearing his voice would rip me apart. I was being held together by the tiniest and thinnest of threads. One simple thing could snap it in half.

The moon was high in the sky by the time we decided the horse needed to rest. Well, Russ decided. My brother proved that he knew me better than I'd ever thought. He never said a word. Maybe he just didn't know what to say, but I had a feeling it was more than that.

Somehow I managed to make it off the horse in one piece. While Russ untacked him, I sat with my back propped up against the tree. The moon was bright. Too bright. It was almost happy with its white glow. Of course it was happy. The moon hadn't seen what the sun had. It only saw a broken little girl staring up at it. But I wasn't staring up at the moon just to boost its ego. I was trying to look into another universe; one in the future.

The thought left my mind before I had a chance to snatch it back: I wanted my mother.

For some reason, out of everything I'd endured, that was what finally broke me. Without any warning, a strangled cry was released from deep within me and my eyes suddenly became two waterfalls. Once it'd started, I couldn't stop it. And then I was screaming. And curled onto my side; curling further into myself.

Russ, of course, came. He tried to hold me, tried to reassure me that I was safe. But I didn't feel safe. I felt dirty and violated and wrong. I'd had enough of this place. The danger we were always in was suddenly so imminent. It wasn't a game anymore. I'd been so stupid. Something so much worse could have happened; they could have killed Russ. He had never wanted to come back in the first place. I would have been responsible for his death. It would be like murdering him myself.

I cried until there was no water left in my body; screamed until my throat was raw and lungs burned. Silence once again overtook me. Numbness came creeping back up on me. I didn't even feel alive. My mind had separated itself from my body.

"I want to go home," I finally rasped.

Russ was quiet for a minute. "What about Cap?"

Cap.

I hadn't thought of him this whole time. My head shot up, eyes widely scanning the darkness. "Where is he?"

My brother stiffened. "He said he would meet up with us."

I grabbed his shirt with my fists to drag myself up to his eye level. "What is he doing?"

Russ gave me a sad, knowing look.

"Did he kill...." God, I couldn't even say his name.

"I don't know," he admitted. "But if he didn't with that shot..."

He was going back to finish the job. He was going after four McCoy. But it was more than that. He was going after Rand'l himself. As mental as Rand'l McCoy was he was in the Civil War. He knew how to fight. Cap had a bad eye and a rifle. He was only eighteen and Rand'l was a grown man. What if....what if Cap couldn't take him? What if those hideous sons of his ganged up on Cap? What if he hadn't killed Tolbert before and this is where he killed my Cap? What if I'd altered history by not only killing Cap, but killing him sooner? I still had four months! What if I'd just changed everything?