Atonement

Chapter Sixteen {As the World Falls Down}

“It tears me up/I try to hold on but it hurts too much/I try to forgive but it’s not enough to make it all okay”

-Broken Strings,

James Morrison, ft. Nelly Furtado

 

     

  My heart had been beating as erratically as a cornered rabbit’s ever since we left the saloon—and that’d been countless hours ago. Time moved differently for me as of late. Without a clock or watch, I had to depend on the sun to give me an estimate on the hours that had passed. I was certain Russ was much better at it than I was, but I didn’t think I was doing too badly. It was the middle of the day that was still confusing. Sometimes a minute could seem like an hour and sometimes an hour could feel like a minute; although the latter was hardly ever the case.

  This day, though, I wanted to stretch out as long as it possibly could. As the hours flew by, my heartbeat increased in speed. My palms were sweaty and I felt clammy absolutely everywhere. Every time I noticed the sun had dipped just a bit lower into the treeline, I felt nauseous. How could I have thought that I could do this? Maybe I should just feign fatigue and tell Cap it’d have to wait until tomorrow.

  But I knew me better than that. Even if I put it off, my sick feeling wouldn’t go away. And I doubted Cap was going to give in without a fight.

  So I braved out the rest of the day of light as if the darkness brought to me a death sentence.

  When Russ proclaimed, “I think we should stop for the night,” my heart stopped its erratic beating. It just stopped.

  Night had only crept upon us a few minutes ago, hadn’t it? But as I glanced up at the blue-black sky, I realized the moon was much higher than I’d originally thought. So much for the day stretching on.

  The three of us slowly dismounted, slowly untacked the horses, and slowly began making a campsite. We made our makeshift beds and Cap and I made this big production of lying upon said beds and trying to go to sleep.

  And Russ fell asleep very fast after his head hit his makeshift pillow. His soft snores were the only sound he made in just a few minutes.

  Of all the times I needed him awake and nosy….

  I heard a rustle and then Cap clearing his throat.

  What if I just stay here? What if I pretended I’d accidentally fallen asleep? Would he leave me be or try and wake me?

  “Josie,” he said loud enough for me to hear the seriousness in his voice, but quiet enough so as not to awaken my brother.

  I closed my eyes tightly, sighing inwardly. Taking a deep breath, I summoned all the courage I had in me and stood up. For a second, all I did was stare at Cap. He stared back. We were across the campsite from eachother with Russ in between.

  And, finally, Cap nodded towards the expanse of woods away from Russ.

  Warning bells trilled in my mind, but I pushed them away so I could slowly and quietly follow Cap in the direction he had gestured towards. I wiped my palms on my rough trousers, remembering the last time Cap and I were alone together behind the veil of black. Nerves swathed over my body, making me tremble. The last thing I wanted him to see was how terrified I was. I would have been last night, too, if I hadn’t been drinking a bit too much liquid courage. The funny thing was I hadn’t started drinking so I could make out with him. I started drinking so I could cope with the other girls trying to make out with him.