Atonement

{Four} Deception and Disgrace

“I know I need to stand up and be strong/ I won’t forget you were the one that was wrong/ Don’t patronize me.”

-Forgotten, Avril Lavigne

 

  In the end I was still alive; although I wasn’t sure it was for the better. Never once lowering his rifle, Cap muttered something about giving Anse the pleasure. We couldn’t really fight them, either. They had fire power and we had, well…nothing. It was pointless and probably fatal to try and escape. So we had no choice but to resign. Russ, for once, used his powerful glare on someone other than me. Clearly, this was not my fault, and Russ could see that. It was good to know I wasn’t being blamed for the first trip here and the fact that Cap was a total asshole.

  But the thing was, if I really thought about it, Cap wasn’t being an ass, not really. He was dealing with what he’d been handed in life. It wasn’t his fault that he’d been raised to hate another family. Sure, he was old enough to make his own decisions. But I really believed he was making his own decisions; and that hurt more than I thought it would. He believed in his father’s fight. Out of anyone else probably, Cap was with his father all the way. Apparently that meant turning his back on me.

  Apparently, though, he’d taken pity on me and I got to ride with him instead of being made to walk. The downside to this was that I was sitting in front of Cap with my hands bound. Seriously, he tied my hands up with rough rope. Russ, too, although he had to walk alongside Johnse. I felt bad for him, actually. It wasn’t that the Hatfield boys were riding fast or anything, but it was a rough terrain to keep pace on. If I’d had it my way, I’d be walking right alongside my brother. I wasn’t sure why Cap made me ride with him and if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Either way it made me uncomfortable.

  Cap may have had a long time to get over me, but it’d only been a day to me. Knowing he was alive, in the state of assholery, I just felt relief. I knew it’d be short lived, of course, being as though he was taking me to his father to have us “rightfully” punished. The only good thing about sitting in front of Cap was that he couldn’t see my face—couldn’t see how relieved I was to see him alive. Sure, I was absolutely crushed he wasn’t going to fight for me at all, but I’d accepted a long time ago that this was a different time and the mentality was somewhat unethical. Besides, I was still holding onto the hope that Cap would come to his senses.

  Any minute now.

  I wanted to talk to him. The urge to tell him how much I’d missed him in that one day was beating down on me, taunting me. It was impossible. Cap made it clear that too much time had passed. What was done was done. I had the feeling I’d have a hard time getting back into his good graces, if not at all.

  How much time had passed? I kept wondering. It was driving me crazy. It mattered to me. What if Cap had given up on me after only a week or two of me being gone? How easy had it been to persuade him of my supposed deception? And had he ever really cared about me the way I’d been convinced he had?

  Yes.

  The hurt and betrayal in his eyes was clear when I first faced him, even if he’d tried to hide it. It hadn’t lasted, though. He was a cold, impenetrable wall now. Completely shutting me out. Maybe Russ had been right all along. I shouldn’t have gotten mixed up with Cap—I should never have gotten involved with a figure of the past. Nothing good could come of it and I knew the hurt I felt was well deserved. People took things much more seriously back then; especially the Hatfields. God, I felt so stupid for letting myself get so caught up in Cap.

  I was trying, really hard, to not just burst into tears. The last thing I needed was for Cap to see me cry. He wouldn’t believe they were sincere, anyway. Just a trick from a no-good McCoy spy. And that thought only made me wanna cry even more.