After our little confession that we really missed each other, Dan and I completely avoid the other person. I just can't stand seeing him in the hallways and it's a big advantage that he studies some subjects that are different from mine. Every time I pass Dan in of the many corridors I get anxious. I just don't know what to say or what to feel so I just get extremely small and try to hide from his eyes. But what's the point of this habit anyway? Why does human interaction has to be so stressful? We confessed that we missed each other, which somehow makes it clear that we do like each other. I can't really describe my feelings for him, they are elusively but nevertheless I miss him when he's not around but I am completely panicking when he's near me.
I really need to make some friends to get over thinking about him all the time. This overthinking is my biggest problem. Like literally every time I failed at anything or I realise someone does not like me I blame it on me. I recreate every single second of the moment just to then deliberate the fact that I am to ugly/dump/fat/prude/... to handle the situation. I know it is a killer habit that made me dissolve into a mob of tiny shattered pieces of myself. But I just can't help it. I tried my best to get rid of this overthinking but I'm tired of trying because I know for sure that it won't let me go.
Oh uh I feel queasy once again, if I don't stop now, it will cause an spiral of questions that make me feel sick about my life and what the sense of human being in general is. And I can promise you that it is incredibly hard to get out of this, so let's better not get into it.
I push all my thoughts of Dan aside and just walk away. I cut my lecture in German philology to get back home and drink a tea, sit by my window and just watch the grass on our beautiful little cottage swell in the wind. That is probably the only thing that can complete calm me down now.
It starts to rain and I still feel a little dazed when I get on my bicycle to pedal home.
