[AllTakemichi] Control

Chapter 59

The time Takemichi spends in the hospital each evening - after visiting hours end - is the worst part of his day. Every time he's alone now, memories of those twelve long, solitary years come flooding back. No matter how much time passes, he still can't escape that crushing emptiness. Lately, he's even more afraid of the dark than he used to be.

How did I ever manage before?

Takemichi wonders.

Maybe back then he wasn't really living at all - just existing. Every day was the same routine: lowering his head, letting the words "I'm sorry" slip from his mouth like they were programmed into him. Twelve years of that, and his emotions went numb. No dreams. No ambition. No love. No one to love him.

Whenever he's left alone like this, the real feelings surface. They twist together into a thick, black swamp that pulls him under.

"Everything's going to be fine. Come on, Takemichi, pull yourself together."

He sobs into his pillow, clutching his head, curling up tight under the blanket in a fetal position. He chants the words like a spell, hoping they'll calm him down. But the magic doesn't work anymore.

Nothing's fine. Not even close.

Why am I like this? He thinks bitterly. Everything's supposed to be getting better. He's so close - so close to the future where everyone is happy. He should be excited, hopeful. But no matter how hard he tries, he can't shake off the past - the pain, the loss, the fear. Every time he tells himself this time it'll work out, the future takes another sharp turn toward disaster. The thought terrifies him.

He used to believe that once everything ended, he'd finally be free - that the ghosts of the past would fade. But no. They cling tighter than ever.

Anxiety gives way to doubt, and Takemichi starts to question reality itself. Some nights he wakes up drenched in sweat, shaking, crying from terror. The nightmares are always the same: everyone's dead, lying motionless in pools of blood, and he's there - frozen - forced to watch them die one by one.

Am I overreacting? He wonders. It's all in the past. Why can't I move on, when everyone else doesn't even know any of it?

He feels pathetic - weak and stupid - for torturing himself over things long gone, for being the one to cause everyone worry now.

He remembers their faces when they found out he was depressed - the sadness, the confusion, the stiff, uncertain smiles. And yet, they still tried so hard to take care of him, gentle and patient with every little thing. That only makes the guilt heavier, the self-loathing sharper. He wishes he could hit himself just to snap out of it.

Too heavy. It's too heavy. I can't breathe. It feels like a boulder's pressing down on my chest.

And the truth is, Takemichi's fears aren't unfounded. Everything is still a chaotic mess, and he doesn't even dare to look toward the future.

What's Kisaki planning next? A twisted genius like him - he won't stop.

Has Izana truly changed?

Has Mikey's darkness really been sealed away?

Will there ever be a future where everyone's happy?

Takemichi knows that reality now is far better than in any of his previous timelines, and yet he still can't escape the emotions that drag him back into hell. He doesn't want to feel like this. He truly does treasure the happiness he has now - the laughter, the warmth, the sight of everyone smiling beside him. And in those moments, his own smile is genuine, born from the depths of his heart.