Love // Thought

Marlana Faith Nickole Rain

1:36 AM
Sunday August 16th, 2015

Dear Sister,

         It's hard to believe. I still need time to process. It feels as if a part of me that I barely knew, was ripped from me. How am I supposed to function with such malign?  I don't know.
   
       I was so infuriated with you. That's what hurts the most. But I was mad at you because I knew that you could do far much better.

And that your kids needed the mother that you had within.

We weren't as close as I would have liked. We weren't so comfortable that we could change in front of each other, or take selfies together, and tell each other our darkest fears and regrets... But I wish we were. what we had, was, fine. I grew accustomed to hearing you every now and then.

        But what hurt was that you were always drunk. It broke my heart. Because all I wanted; was my big sister back.
        The one that dressed up our brothers as girls, and always called me beautiful, and treated me with such Immense love that I felt; special.

     She got lost within all the drunkenness.
     But when you'd come over drunk and telling me the same things as you did sober, I couldn't help but think that what you said was true; that I was beautiful, and deserved the best.

I can't even begin to write or show what you all told me; but you taught me the best with your mistakes.

You tried your best to make sure that my life was better, and that I knew how special I was. That I knew I always had someone and at least my sister loved me.

When we'd get off the phone I'd cry. Cry because I missed you and cry because your words impacted me that much.

I don't think I can truly let you all go; but I know what I need to do.
      I need to live the life that you deserved. I need to accept the circumstances and move forward, using this to stay even more stronger and be more benevolent.

I still hear your voice. I still feel your bone gripping hug squeezing the breath out of me till I said 'I Love You' back.

I still hear your laugh, and see your smile.

I remember you giving me baths when I was small.

But most importantly I remembered how you thought I could do anything I wanted. That I could achieve my goals and dreams.

I cling to all that is familiar. So throughout the years I could never let you go. I guess I'm writing this because I have a better way with words; and that maybe I can get through life without these thoughts nagging me.

"We loved with a love, that was more than love." -Edgar Allen Poe

Love you, forever & always

Your little sister,

Shyla.

October 27 1986 - August 13 2015