pills ✧ tronnor

ten

[a/n: potential trigger warning]

I didn't see much of Connor during the next week. After our encounter by the window, it was like someone had flicked a switch inside of him and suddenly, he was completely different. Not just towards me, but to everyone. People quickly noticed the change as it was so out of character for him. Unlike his usual bubbly, chatty and charming self, he was suddenly very withdrawn and cold towards everyone, quite often isolating himself in the little privacy that his room gave him. Trying to initiate any sort of conversation with him was utterly pointless - you were either brushed off like you were dirt on the bottom of his shoe, or you were ignored completely; I wasn't sure which was worse. Another thing I noticed was how much he tried to avoid eye contact. I don't know why this was something that stood out to me in particular, but it just seemed very out of character and unusual. I, not wanting to come across as pushy or clingy, left him alone. After all, I just thought he was possibly having a bad time; maybe he hadn't been taking his medication, or he was missing home. Not that I could blame him if it was the latter, since I knew how much it hurt to miss home. However, I was wrong.

Being a light sleeper, it isn't particularly difficult to disturb me from my slumber. One night, I was awoken by shuffling footsteps coming down the corridor, coming closer to my room. I pulled the duvet further up around my body, not wanting to make it obvious that I was awake in case it was a member of staff doing checks on everyone. I kept my eyes open very narrowly to give the impression that I was asleep, so I could catch a clear enough glimpse of whoever was walking by. However, the figure - when they eventually reached my room - stood in the doorway and stopped very still, watching me for a few moments. They were sniffling a lot, almost like they were crying but trying to hide it.

"Troye?" I heard them whisper, and I opened my eyes straight away when I recognised the voice.

"Connor? Are you-"

"I can't stop the bleeding." he choked, and my eyes fell to his arm. He was clutching his left arm in his right hand, clearly putting a lot of pressure on it from what I could see as my eyes adjusted to the dark.

"Shit." I whispered under my breath, jumping from my bed and crossing the room to where he was stood. As he looked up at me, I could see fresh tears glistening in his eyes. "What did you do?"

Connor collapsed into my arms, not letting go of his arm as he did so. "I'm so sorry." he whispered as he cried into my chest. "It won't stop."

I took hold of his right arm, careful to make sure he didn't lose grip of his left arm, and led him down the corridor to the toilet block. Fortunately, the lights were always kept open in the toilets so I didn't have to worry about fumbling around to find a light switch. That was when I saw everything properly. His right hand was covered in blood from where he'd been gripping his arm for so long, and his eyes were bloodshot and puffy from how much he'd been crying.

"Sit." I instructed, pointing to one of the toilets and putting the seat down. Not arguing, Connor took a seat on the toilet and I kneeled in front of him, unravelling a wad of toilet paper from beside me. "Move your hand."

He hesitated, but eventually he allowed his right hand to drop to his side. The sight of his left arm made my heart hurt - it was bad. "Holy shit, Con."

I gently began wrapping the toilet paper around his arm, ignoring how much the blood was soaking through it at such a fast pace. I tried to wrap it as tightly as possible to try and stop the bleeding, yet without it being too painful. Once I'd wrapped the wounds in at least twenty layers of toilet paper, I took another few sheets of it and tied them around the makeshift bandage in a bow to stop it from sliding off.

"There," I said softly as I tied the bow. "That should help stop the bleeding until we can clean it properly in the morning."

Connor sharply shook his head. "Nobody can see this. Nobody can know about it."

"Connor!" I said in disbelief. "You could've seriously bled to death with how much blood you were losing! Are you crazy? Someone needs to know about this so it can get seen to properly."

"Can't we just clean it up now and apply a clean bandage? Well, a makeshift one until I can get hold of a proper one tomorrow." Connor pleaded, and I actually felt bad for him. He seemed genuinely terrified of anyone finding out about what had happened.

I sighed. "Fine, come over to the sink."

He followed me over to one of the basins and I began to run cold water from the tap. I gently unwrapped the toilet paper from his arm and discarded it into the toilet he'd just been sat on. Fortunately, the bleeding seemed to have subsided by quite a lot, yet it still hasn't stopped completely. I took hold of his arm and held it under the running water, making Connor tense up.

"Sorry," I whispered. "I know it's cold but it'll help to numb it so it won't hurt as much, and it means I can clean it up a bit easier."

He slowly untensed his body and willingly held his arm under the running water until I gently moved it away. I'd folded a few sheets of toilet paper up and very softly dabbed at the wounds to clean the blood that had dried on the skin around them.

"Why, Con? Why did you do it?" I asked.

There was a brief silence before he answered. "To feel something."

I paused before I responded, causing another silence to fall between us. Connor was staring at his reflection in the mirror, or that's how it appeared. His eyes were almost glazed over, like he was in a distant universe and he wasn't paying any sort of attention to the real world. However, I didn't want to snap him out of it - he seemed somewhat calmer due to being distracted.

"You didn't have to do this." I looked up at him.

He came out of his trance and closed his eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I fucked up."

I shook my head and took hold of his hands. "No, I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge the fact that you were hurting."