pills ✧ tronnor

twelve

I was surprised by how quickly everything seemed to happen, but mostly at the fact that I was kissing him back without hesitation. I hadn't even realised what was happening until it was over, when Connor stepped back and I noticed the look of sheer guilt on his face.

"I'm sorry." Connor ran a hand through his hair awkwardly, his cheeks flushing very slightly red as he avoided eye contact.

"Don't be," I whispered with a small smile. "I kind of enjoyed it."

Connor shook his head and looked at the floor. "You don't understand. Trust me, I enjoyed it too. But I can't let myself fall for you, Troye. I can't let it happen."

I raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"I can't let myself fall for you because one day you're gonna leave me here and then I'll have nothing. Everything will finally seem like it's worked out for me but then you'll get better and you'll get discharged and then you'll leave me here on my own and things will get worse. And I don't want to be on my own, Troye. I can't be on my own."

"You really think I'd do that to you?" I asked a little too sharply, taking a step forward.

He shrugged. "It's what everyone does. They leave as soon as I get bad again."

I stepped even close to Connor, so we were within touching distance of eachother. However, our arms remained to hang by our sides, neither of us advancing towards eachother. "Connor, please talk to me. I want to know what's happened before." I paused, watching as Connor looked across to the opposite side of the roof. "Were you thinking about Sam again?"

Connor slowly nodded and proceeded to sit on the edge, allowing his legs to dangle off. I sat beside him and copied his movements, allowing my legs to swing freely beside his. "Before you ask, or get any ideas, Sam and I were never a thing." Connor mumbled. "But we were good friends. At the time I considered him my best friend."

"What happened?" I asked.

Connor sighed. "I don't know what suddenly made everything go wrong. When I got admitted here, he was in his third week of admission. According to some of the other guys who were here when he was, Sam was one of the most severe cases they'd admitted in a long time, and to this day I still don't know the full story of what was going on with him. I know he was depressed and I know he'd been admitted due to a severe suicide attempt, and apparently they nearly lost him that night. We weren't close at first, we were complete opposites actually. He was quite moody a lot of the time, and he never really wanted to associate himself with any of us. And then one day, he came to my room and told me he'd found some writing I'd done - he told me it was good. After that we talked for a while and I found out a lot about him. His full name was Sam Pottorff.

Once we got closer, things changed in him. He seemed happier and he came out of his shell a lot more - he was someone that everyone wanted to be friends with. That's why I treasured him even more, because he was my friend. I remember one night we watched the sun rise because we were both awake early, and he told me I was his best friend. I'd never had a best friend before, and it felt incredible to know someone saw me in that way. I loved him, but in a friendly way. Like I would've died for him. Then one day, something snapped inside him and I don't know what happened. His anxiety was through the roof and he kept having anxiety attacks - they just wouldn't stop. It was scary to see, he was just so hopeless and all I could do was sit there and hold him while he cried into my chest. And then suddenly I lost sight of him. I asked everyone if they'd seen him before someone told me they saw him go down the far corridor. When I got to the roof, he was stood on the edge, right over there," he paused, pointing to the opposite side of the roof. "I screamed at him to come down, and he didn't say anything. The next thing I knew, he was gone. Like I blinked and then he'd disappeared. I made the mistake of looking over the edge - I will honestly never un-see that image for as long as I live. It was horrific. After Sam died, I tried taking my own life. I didn't see a life without him. That's why my admission was extended the first time. I still miss him. That's why I sneak up here on my own sometimes, I feel like I can talk to him. I feel like he's still here, you know? Like he's listening to what I'm saying and he's what's keeping me going."

"I'm sorry, Con." I said, putting an arm around his shoulders. "I can't even imagine what that must've felt like."

Connor shook his head and smiled slightly. "It's okay."

There was silence. I simply listened to the sound of Connor's quiet breathing, not too sure what to say.

"Honestly, after he died, I didn't think I'd find anyone like him again." Connor whispered, then looked into my eyes. "Then you came along."

I felt my cheeks turning red and I removed my arm from his shoulders awkwardly, hoping he wouldn't take it the wrong way. It made me feel warm inside, knowing I'd brought something back for Connor after he'd gone through such a traumatic loss on his own. I looked across at him, causing him to suddenly look away when he realised I'd caught him staring. I reached out and took his hand in mine and didn't move away when he leaned and rested his head on my shoulder. Without thinking, I kissed the top of his head and rested my head on top of his.

"I'm not everyone else," I whispered, squeezing his hand gently. "And I promise I will never leave you."