pills ✧ tronnor

fifteen

It was like I was having a nightmare. You know the ones where you're trying to run as fast as you can but you can't seem to move fast whatsoever? It was like one of those, except this nightmare was real, and I was very much awake. The staircase leading up to the roof seemed to have extended, and I felt like I would never reach the top. But I had a tiny ounce of hope left in me. Maybe he hadn't jumped. Maybe I could save him.

Then I saw him.

His back was facing me and he was stood on the edge, looking down at the deserted streets below him. The sun was only just beginning to rise, sending the sky into a frenzy of orange, pink and purple tones. Normally, I would've adored the sight. But now, it was the last thing on my mind. Not wanting to startle him, I approached Connor slowly, cautiously reaching out my hand.

"Connor," I whispered, grabbing his attention. He turned around slowly, his eyes swollen and red. "Please, don't do this."

Connor didn't say anything. His chest rose and fell at a high rate as he breathed in and out extremely quickly. I tried to remain as calm as I could, but my hands were shaking ridiculously. It was obvious that Connor could tell, but I wasn't going to admit to being absolutely terrified. Connor's life was on the line, and I wasn't going to let him go. I couldn't.

"I have to do this." Connor finally whispered, his voice breaking at the end of his sentence.

I shook my head. "No, you don't. You have to see that this isn't the way things have to end. You can get better and you will. You can't give up. You have every reason to be here. I need you."

Connor sighed. "Trust me, if I could've found another solution instead of this, I'd have done that instead. But I need to do this, Troye. It's the best for the both of us. It might not seem like it now, but it will in the future. You'll understand why I needed to do this."

I reached out my hand further, gripping onto his right hand tightly when he took mine. I was determined not to let go, no matter what. I was probably digging my fingernails into his skin, but it didn't seem to bother him. I wanted to speak but I couldn't seem to find the words. Right there and then, I wanted to tell him how much I loved him; how he made me feel loved; how he made me feel like the most special person in the world; that I needed him in my life and that I wanted to grow with him. But words failed me. I was silent.

"Like I wrote to you, please don't be sad about this," Connor began.

"How can I not be?" I snapped, tears pricking my eyes. "You're the only person in this world I give a fuck about. I am in love with you, Connor! You can't just leave. What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't just carry on my life like nothing happened, I need you because I am in love with you."

Connor closed his eyes and his head fell forwards towards the floor. I held tighter to his hand, trying to fight against the urge to cry. I was not going to cry in front of him, not now.

"It's different for you though. You can go home in a few days. You're gonna be okay. I've had my admission extended so many times that I'm beginning to lose count. I've seen so many people come and go but I'm always staying. I swear I'll be there until I die. I can't keep living my life like this. It sucks, so so much. I haven't seen my family in three months. They haven't bothered to contact me because of how bad things were getting, they were worried it'd interfere with my progress and recovery. You're the only person I've had and the thought of you leaving me kills me. I can't be without you but I'd have to be if I stayed alive and I was stuck here, in this god damn prison. Please, Troye. Please try to understand where I'm coming from."

I blinked hard and allowed the tears to begin rolling down my cheeks. I was done with trying to hold up a tough act. "Nothing will make me understand. Maybe it seems like I'm being selfish because I need you here, but I mean it. Connor, now I've met you I can't imagine a life without you. Everything you said in that note, I feel it too. I really do. I want it all but I only want it with you."

"Come here," Connor opened his arms, and I very slowly edged forward until I felt his arms tighten around me. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head. "I love you. I really, really do. Words would never be able to justify quite how much. I'm sorry."

As I pulled away, he grabbed my face and pressed a kiss to my lips. I wished it would last forever, I didn't want anything to end. When he let go, he took hold of my hands and smiled at me. "Never forget that I really did love you. Because I did, I do, and I always will," he whispered, looking over the edge. "I'm sorry, Troye. But it's my time to go."

After that, everything happened in slow motion. Before I could comprehend what was happening, I felt his hands slipping from my grip and he let himself fall from the edge, closing his eyes as he fell. I couldn't hear anything, but I knew I was screaming. And I couldn't feel anything, but I knew I was crying. Screaming his name, screaming in disbelief. I ran towards the edge, but I felt two pairs of hands grab my arms and pull me away. I was thankful they did, as I didn't see Connor make impact. If I'd seen it, it would've broken my heart into a million pieces. Regardless, it didn't take away the ache in my heart, even though I couldn't feel it. I was numb. There was just a ringing in my ears, a constant drone that I couldn't shake. If I didn't feel so numb, everything would hurt. But everything was just in slow motion. It wasn't real. It couldn't be.

Connor was gone.