Take A Deep Breath

Chapter 8

"Ok, Amber, I promise. Just one more test, then you can go with your friends again. Your mum is in therapy- seeing you again has put a lot of emotional trauma onto her. Are you okay to stay with Saffron? She has offered to take you in, if you need. I can call when your mum is ready?"

I nod, the sound of bees buzzing in my ears. We've been doing this all day and a headache is throbbing in my temples.

"You can tell me when I'm pushing you too hard, I'll stop," he continues.

I smile as brightly as I can manages and shake my head. "I know. I'm okay."

He nods back and picks up his clipboard again, and I can't help but let a sigh out.

"I know," he sympathises, sighing himself. "But it has to be done."

I shrug and comply, grabbing the pen he offers and looking at the piece of paper. More of the same questions, just in different words. I reluctantly answer them all, my handwriting expressing how I feel: bored, pressured. When I'm done, he smiles and stands up, his stethoscope swinging from his neck.

"Thank you, Dr.Sanders. I really do appreciate it, even if I don't seem that I do." I shake his hand.

"It's a pleasure. I'll meet here with you again on Monday? Have a nice weekend- I'll call you when your mum is ready, though it might be a while. I'm sure you understand."

Unfortunately, I do understand. "Yes. Thank you again."

================================
"It's winter, Amber- you were in summer when the accident happened- new season, new wardrobe. Please?" Saffron whines, tilting her head at me.

I find myself laughing, not forced, for once. "Okay, okay. But let me pay."

She shrugs. "We'll see. Now, should we call Cadence to drag him along?"

"If you want." I can already feel heat rising in my cheeks.

The personal moment we had last night is still fresh in my mind- his words made me feel both better and worse and I can't help but wish I could be the girl he used to know, even though he insists he sees me no different- and I think Saffron can tell something is up."

"Honey, come on. You guys have to connect someday- he planned to ask you out on the day of the cliff diving."

"Fine, but please, don't push him to do anything. Or me. I'm still getting over everything and I'm sure he has changed by now. It's been two years for god's sake."

Her face softens as she reaches out and places a hand on one of my shoulders.

"He never showed any interest in anybody else in the whole two years you were gone. He used to sit next to your bed and mumble words that nobody could ever hear. Come on, Amber. He hasn't dated anybody else. He's been waiting for you."

I look down, away from her. I can't. Not now.

She links arms with me without another word. I am grateful that she hasn't pushed too much, but it is going to be playing on my mind for a long time. He has waited for me? He hasn't dated anybody else? I feel even worse now- I've cause all these people all of this pain...my mum, my best friends. What about the rest of my family? What about my father? Do I have any siblings? Why haven't I asked myself these things before?

I feel like crying again, but the though of seeing Cadence again allows me to silently wipe my tears away. Maybe we could talk it out- he's like a therapist. A doctor.

Better than the ones I've been questioned by- I know they are trying to help, but it feels like right now Cadence is the only one who can 'heal' me, for now. And I guess it's just old instincts-I wish I knew for sure. Maybe I never will.