Getting in shape... with Liam Payne

Reasons

“Ssshhh… calm down mummy. It’s ok… just please stop crying now.” I begged of my mum.

We had been sitting like this – her head buried in my lap and me stroking her hair – for I’m not entirely sure how long. In a dark room filled with sorrow and the sounds of heartbroken crying it’s hard to tell how much time has gone by. Though it must have been at least over an hour since I let myself into her bedroom with the spare key I kept in my wallet especially for emergencies like these. Mum was in a state of complete breakdown when I entered; she was laying face-down on the messy bed, her violent sobs shaking her frail body. Her eyes were red and puffed up and cheeks flushed up which caused me to assume she had been crying for hours on end. She might even have cried the whole time I was out – Alex had gone to his friends’ house so she was all alone.

All alone.

The words smacked me across the face like a baseball bat. It took me all my inner-strength not to break down into tears myself when I saw her in this state. Perhaps I did not cry because somewhere deep down I knew this is what she’d look like.

No Alice! You cannot get used to her doing this every year. She has to finally let it go and move on. He’s not worth any of this.

At least she seemed to be calming herself down now – the sobs were getting less frequent and much calmer, the shaking ceased. Maybe she’d start talking to me soon. The whole time I lay with her I had been to a melancholy monologue about how much all her friends and Alex and me love her, about what a great person she is. I knew she was listening intently to my every word but some sort of feedback ( a grunt, even) would be greatly appreciated.

“Mummy… come on. I’m here now and I’m so sorry for going out today – you could have asked me to stay, you know?” I whispered vaguely anticipating a response. Still I was startled when she finally, thank God, cleared her throat and spoke in a voice stale with tears.

“Alice, baby. I’m so sorry. So very sorry. I’m putting too much pressure on you, I know. Look at us – you are far more mature than I am. You deal with problems so much better than I do. I am so proud of you.”

She was talking at last. This was a good sign. It meant the worst of the evening was over. But I wasn’t going to stop her, like I’d usually do. No, this time around I would get her to tell me exactly what happened on that fatal day. She needed to tell me why dad left. I was old enough to know. Besides, maybe if I found what exactly happened I could somehow talk her out of her grief – help her forget this idiotic date so she’d just live her life free of her past weighing her down.

“You’re not putting pressure on me, don’t worry. I’m a big girl now. Which is why I would like you to tell me something,” I felt het tense in my lap and I briefly thought about giving up on my previous idea but then decided that I have the right to know. I had been abandoned too that very same day.

“Mum, why did dad leave us? What happened? You never told me but I need to know. If you truly think that I am mature, tell me. Tell me and maybe I can help you.”

“Alice I don’t think now’s the right time-”

Oh no. I wouldn’t be taking those petty excuses today.

“MUM! Now’s not the right time? Then when? Why won’t you tell me? so you think I’m mature enough to see you annually fall to pieces but not mature enough to know why?” I hadn’t intended on sounding so violent but I was getting a bit frustrated at this point. She was acting like a child. We started going back and forth like this for the next ten minutes until she finally heaved a tired sigh and gave in.

“Ok. Very well then… I guess you are right. You’re not eight anymore.” She said lifting her head off of my lap to face me. I smiled encouragingly for her to continue.

“I wasn’t home when he packed up. I was picking you up from school that day – you remember right? All his things were already in the car when we got home.” Her words were barely audible and I could tell she was desperately holding back tears.

“It’s all right. Take your time mum.” I said while stroking her arm. She nodded slightly before speaking again just as quietly as before.

“When I realized what he was doing I was completely perplexed. I had no idea what brought on his actions – we haven’t even had a fight recently. Nothing had happened that would cause him to go as far as to move out. I… I took you to your room and…” the tears were starting to get the better of her. But she continued speaking. I could tell that, now what she had begun telling the story, she was determined to finish it. Perhaps she thought if she stopped she’d never have the courage to start again. I kept silent the entire time.

“I had to stand in the doorway to keep him inside. I had to force the explanation out of him… but when I did get an explanation. I wished I have ne-never asked for it.”

Tears were now streaming down her cheeks; I moved my hand to wipe them away with my index finger.

“Mummy. It’s ok.” What was I saying? It was obviously not ok.

“He said… that it wasn’t real. That nothing was ever right to begin with… he told her he didn’t… didn’t love m-me… ever. He said that he just wanted to give family life a go… that I was just an experiment of his.”

My eyes widened in shock. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what so think. This couldn’t be true. How could someone start a family as an experiment??

“An experiment – that was all I ever was to him…” my mum’s voice wondered off a particularly rough wave of tears hit her. I didn’t try to get her to stop crying anymore. I didn’t tell her it’s ok anymore. I just hugged her. And we stayed like this for the rest of the night.

Neither of us spoke. Neither of us slept.

The next morning my mum seemed completely fine. She hummed some odd song while preparing breakfast but her eyes didn’t smile along with her mouth. She was trying to cover up for what she told me last night and I was getting slightly frustrated with her. But, purely for Alex’s sake, I decided not to mention any of the late night events. Yet. Alex didn’t deserve to know that he too had been part of some ridiculous life experiment this monster of a father carried out on us. As for my mother…

Maybe she should see a psychologist?

Yeah, he’d be able to help her for sure.

Only… how do I convince her to go…

  I mused while finishing my breakfast. The universe seemed to have an inexplicable grudge against me – it was determined never to let me be happy for too long. This time around it chose to inflict misery on me in the form of a phone call from an agitated Terry. Was this girl programmed to call at the least appropriate moments?

Shit. I honestly forgot about her because of Liam and all the other things going on.

“Hey Terry! How are you?” I tried to sound as cheerful as I could. But I think I came across as more falsely excited than cheerful. Oh well.

“Alice sweetie, why didn’t you ever invite me to the gym along with you? I told you I’d come!” I could tell Terry was trying to cover up her annoyance with me.

Oh for God’s sake woman! Why do you have to play games with me like this? I know you just want to know about the guy I met, so why don’t you ask me straight up?

“Actually, I wasn’t at the gym in a while – though I’d take a short break.” That was partly true. i wasn’t running at the gym.

“Oh ok! Well, break-time’s over baby! We’re going together today! Yey!” she squealed down the phone so loudly I had to pull the thing away from my ear a good couple of inches, “Oh and by the way – I cannot wait to her about this guy that Steve told me you’ve met!”

There we go Terry.

He’s mine. I’ll keep you away from him even if that means having to lock you in my basement.

“Yeah sure let’s go! As for the guy... well it’s nothing serious really. We just talked a bit. That’s it.” I lied swiftly, forcing a giggle.