I wake up and turn off my alarm clock, like always. I do my usual daily routine: get ready, ignored by my parents, hide from everyone in my school, but always found and ashamed, like I'm just a toy without feelings for those babies.
It was all going normal, but when I'm back at home, I can't find my iPod. I start feeling hot waves of panic inside me. If my parents find the iPod and see the musics, I don't know how will I save myself. But if I start thinking like this, it will be worst so I take a deep breath. - Call me down, Sarah. - I said to myself. I take another deep breath and start searching for the iPod, letting my room upside-down.
- Are you looking for something? - I hear a cold voice asking behind me. I turn back to face the person who was talking. It was Jim. He has a big grin on his face. That smile was answering to every question I was making just a few seconds ago. I start feeling the panic again.
- Did you...? - I didn't ask nothing more. It's like there's something stuck on my throat that doesn't let me continue. His smile grows even more. - No... please, Jim. - I said, feeling the fear in my voice. The boy laughs at my reaction. I usually just ignore this kind of actions and comments and don't get into more troubles. But this time, I can't just ignore him. He knows what can happen if my parents find out everything about my secret iPod. And I'm not just afraid of my their reaction. That iPod is the only thing that can help me. I have to listen to music when I'm sad or upset or embarrassed or anything else. I need to. It is my only of escaping the real world, just for just a few moments, and imagine a world where I don't have to suffer. If don't listen to music... If I don't listen to her music...
- You look so cute when you're desperate, Anti-social. - he sais, showing the disgust of his smile. I wish I could stand up without fear or letting him hurt me and show him that his little comments don't effect me. But that wouldn't ever be possible for someone like me. Besides, he is stronger than me and if I did what I want to do, I would get into even more troubles than I already am.
- Jim, please. - I beg, almost crying. - Just this time... just... please. - My voice starts breaking when the dark thoughs are back making me feel something cold and wet in my cheeks.
- Awww! - he says. I already knew he was having fun with this, but he was right when he said I'm desperate. - Well, I think it is too late for that. - he smiles even wider. My heart stops beating for one second after processing those words. Then I hear my father calling me with a very angry and loud voice. I feel my body getting sweaty. - Oh, I think it's show time! - he says excited, making his way to the living room. I'm so scared. I know this will be the end of the line. Why would Jim do this? I know he loves to hurt and toy with people, but why this? I'm awakened from my thoughts when I hear my father calling me again even louder. I slowly get up, shivering very hard. This is it. - I think. - But I have to do this. - I go to the living, but I stay close to the door. My feet don't let me get closer to my parents. They look so angry. I feel even more chills. Jim was there too, but he was the only one who looked happy.
- Come here! NOW! - my father screams, pointing at the floor. I slowly obey him, with the strongest fear taking control of me. When I'm closer enough to him, he slaps me really hard. - What is this? - he asks, waving the iPod on his hand. The pain and the fear don't let me answer him. He punches me this time, and I fall on the floor with the strong impact of the hit. - ANSWER ME! WHAT'S THIS?! - Now I can't answer ou get up. I start feeling blood in my mouth.
- Darling, maybe I should do this. - my mother says. - Give me that, please. - she asks pointing at the iPod and he obays her. - Wait for me out there. - she talks like it was just a solicitation, but they knew it was an order and they obey her. When Jim closes the door and my mother faces me, my chills get stronger. I'm still on the floor because all these feelings are too much stronger for me. I can't even think straight thanks to the physical and emotional pain. She kneels down and look at me for some seconds that seemed like hours. She looked like she wanted to kill me just with her eyes. Then she slaps me and now, I feel like I'm stuck to the floor. - I don't understand why do you do this. - she says with her fake sweet voice. - I think you know perfectly that we don't like this kind of things. - she throws the iPod on the floor and crushes it with her heel. I hide my face in my arms so she can not see me crying. - I honestly don't get why do we still have you. - she says, her voice seeming tired. After her words, she makes a scary expression of someone who just had a briliant evil idea. - You know what? That's it. We don't need you. The only thing you're doing here is taking my home' space up. I'm tired and disgusted of you. - I'm accustomed to hear this, so why everytime I hear this, it hurts me? She stoods, still looking at me with those cold eyes. - We're going to the cinema. When we're back, I don't want to see you here, understood? - before I had time to answer, she leaves the living room and then the house. I have to take a really long moment to return to think well and stop crying. Maybe, when they come back, I can ask or even beg them to let me stay. I mean, I have no place to go! But I do know for a really long time how they would love to leave me. That would be a dream come true to them. They won't change their mind. I start to feel the panic, now stronger than ever.
- Ok, calm down. - I say to myself, breathing hard. - There's nothing you can do now. - I though. Finally, I make a decision. I go grab my school bag and take the books off it, replacing them with clothes and food. I just have a few old clothes, so I put as much food as I can in my bag and a bottle of water. Since they are making me leave, I think this is not stealing. I put my coat on and before going to the hall, I look at my broken iPod on the living room's big carpet. I sight and then go back to my room, grab my iPod's headphones and then to the living room, where I pick my iPod. I save them in my bag zipped it. Then, finally ready, I walk out of my soon-to-not-be home.
It is cold and dark outside, but I can handle it. After a long time walking around the streets, the darkness becomes too much powerful to my eyes, so I decide to take a sit in one of the steps of an appartment and rest a little. I rest my head on my legs and the insecurity I'm feeling makes me cry. How can they do this? And why? Do I really deserve to be punished like this? Do I deserve this? If I'm really that bad, why did they addopted me after all? How can they be called by "parents" by the way? Are all the parents like this with their children? Or is it just me? It's some problem with me? If there's a problem with me what is it? So many question and no answer. Can this get even worsen? Unfortunately, the answer to that question appeared when it start to rain heavily and my tears mixed with the rain. But I don't move. I just stay in the same place. - I wish there was something that could make me feel just a bit better. - Right after thinking of this, lyrics of a song appeared in my mind. I looked around to make sure there was nobody here, even if it is too much dark for me to be able to see something. Then I look down and start to sing very slowly and lowly.
My mama told me when I was young
We were all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir"There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are"
She said "'Cuz He made you perfect, babe"
"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,
Listen to me when I say:"I sighed and cried a little. I wish I could feel honesty when I'm saying these words. But you can't. Not when you can't be like you wanna be without everyone judging you. After a few moments where all I could hear was the rain falling, I continue singing, trying to ignore the guilt I'm feeling.
I'm beautiful in my way
'Cuz God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this wayDon't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born this wayOhh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
Baby I was born this wayOhh there ain't no other way
Baby I was born this way
I'm on the right track
Baby I was born this wayI feel a bit better now, but my guilt and fear make me keep crying, my face still hidden on my knees. I wish I could be myself like in the song. It's one of my biggest dreams: Be myself. Find someone who likes me for who I really am. Even if that sounds completly impossible or ridiculous.
I feel a warm hand on my shoulder and, scared, I look behind me. A person with coat, whose hood was covering her/his face was staring at me. The hood and the darkness didn't let me see her/him but I could see two bright blue eyes.
- Hey, are you Ok?
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Paws Up
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