Paws Up

Ch. 5 - Proving I'm a fan (Part 2)

- You have to? - a girl asks, confused.- Why?
I don't know what or how to answer her. I get that, maybe, they like Lady Gaga (or they just act like it, probably), but if they knew the truth about why I like her so much, they would laugh so hard and look at me like I was the world's biggest loser. But that's what I am, after all. If I wasn't, people wouldn't treat me like they do, right?
I take a long and deep breath.

- What? - I ask like I didn't say anything. The girl doesn't look really convenced, but she does look worried.

- Please, I heard you. - she says, gently. The people around me look worried too. - What do you mean "you have to listen to Gaga's musics?" - she asks again.
My eyes were completely stuck on my hands. What am I going to do? I don't wanna be ashamed again.
- But I always have to, right? - I think. - My life was always sadness, shame and pain. And that's all what it is going to be. Nothing more than that. - I wonder how these thoughts always hurt me, even if I'm accustomed to them. Well, I just need to get ready for the laughs. Even if they hurt me like knifes cutting my body from the inside, every time I hear them, because I'm too sensible.

- Okay... - I start. My voice sound weak. I try to speak, but it was like the words were stuck on my throat.

- Look, - the girl adds. - you don't have to feel embarrassed. When it comes to Lady Gaga, we don't take anything like a joke or something like that. We actually take it serious. - the group nod in agreement. I was so surprised: how did she get that I was feeling insecure? People don't care or notice how I feel like. But somehow, I felt a bit better with her words. Maybe now I can talk.

- Well... - I start again. - It's a little hard to explain, but... - I take a deep breath and then I found some words on my mind that could help me to express myself. - Everyone always rejected me. I don't remember even one moment where I was happy around people. No matter who I am with, I always end hurt or ashamed. - I say. It was hurting a little, unburden everything like that. But it also felt kind of... good. I'm looking down all the time, so I don't know how they are reacting to this, but I think they are not making fun of me at all: none of them is making any sound and I can feel their eyes all stuck on me. - But... I don't know how or why, but... - I sigh. It's now. The hardest moment is now. - I listen to her songs everyday, because it's not about something I just want to do... is something that I need to do. Her lyrics and musics inspire me to keep on going, even if that always seems impossible. Everyone says she's a lie and all that a stuff, but I can't just believe that, her songs can't just be lies. I feel she's the only person that truly understands me. I feel like everyday, I die, and everyday, she saves me. Because somehow, her voice, her songs and her musics, all together... Somehow, it gives me some kind of hope and strength that nobody can or wants to give me. - I take another deep breath. - I already thought in giving up, but I decided something that I'll never forget. Once Gaga... saved me... I decided... - I raised my head up. - ... I decided that I'm going to live for Lady Gaga. - I finish, holding my tears as hard as I can. I'm now waiting for their laughs and jokes, but I don't hear anything. Actually, they are all smiling widely. But they don't look like they are going to make fun of me. And some of them look a little emotional, like they're about to cry. They stare at me in a way that I never saw people doing, at least not to me. They look... proud. I felt a bit scared and worried when the girl on the couch suddenly starts crying like a baby, while the others just look at her like they were already waiting for that reaction. - Huh, I-I'm sorry! - I start, trying to calm her down. - I-I didn't want to-

- That was just so beautiful! - she interrupts me, still crying. What she says surprised me, because she doesn't look like she is kidding. She looks really emotional.

- Jo? - asks the blonde girl to the one with the dark hair. Part of the hair that was covering her eye was dyed purple. She doesn't look to the blonde girl. She keeps staring at me, smiling, and finally speaks:

- She's not a hater. - she says. - And she's not lying. - I felt so relieved when I knew that I convinced them that I'm really a fan and that I wasn't lying when I talked about it, but I also feel confused: why didn't they laugh or make fun of me? Everybody would laugh at me with my words, but they didn't. What were they doing?

- So, if I get it right - the boy who helped me, named Max I guess, starts. - you don't know anything about Gaga, right? - I shake my head, in confirmation.

- I just know her songs.

- Then... - he starts, looking at his friends a bit nervous. - Would you like to know more about her? - For what seemed the hundredth time that day, I was surprised. What does that mean? He wants to teach me more about my favorite singer? But why? People just don't care about me, why does he and his friends are interested and nice to me? I'm ignored and ashamed by everyone, why don't they do the same? I start thinking about the boy's question: yes, of course I want to know more about Lady Gaga, she's my favorite singer and when I thought I would never heard her again, all this appears. But at the same time, I'm scared. What if later, they will make fun of me and leave me? What will I do?

- Y-Yes... - I answer, nervous. - But I have nowhere to stay, how will I have time to know more about her?

- Well... I think you can stay here.

- Okay, slow down Maxwell. - a boy complains a bit serious. - I understand if she has nowhere to stay or if she wants to know more about Gaga, but I don't know if she is ready to stay here or to make part of the team.

- I know, but she hasn't to make part of it yet. Maybe when she knows more about her, but until that, she can stay here and we can teach her some things, can't we? - the blue-eyed boy arguments. I wonder why does he want to help me so much.
They look thoughtful and stay like that for a while.

- I'm on it. - a girl says, breaking off the silence.

- Me too. There's always space for one more Monster! - says a boy letting me a bit confused: "Monster"? Why did he call me Monster?
They all ended up agreeing. The boy with those blue ocean eyes looks at me smiling.

- Sarah, Welcome to "Paws Up"!