The world is ugly

two

"So, would you like to tell me what happened?" Carrie asked, she's supposed to be patient, but if I had to sit here, with someone who hadn't said two words to me in the entirety of our relationship, I'd be impatient too. Carrie sighed and looked at the clock, fifteen more minutes.

Killjoy licked my fingers. He liked therapy, getting to sit in his therapy dog vest always made him happy.

"You know I can't help you unless you talk to me."

I drummed my fingers against the side of the couch and looked up at the ceiling. Her office had mirrors, more than I was comfortable with really. I don't like my face, and no matter where I look, I am reminded of my reflection.

Killjoy jumped up on the couch beside me, smelling my anger, my fear, and maybe everything else in between.

"Don't you want to get better?" Carrie asked, she leaned forward a bit, my lips twitched but I didn't say anything. A therapist's view of 'better' is drugged out of your mind. I'm not broken, I don't want to be drugged.

Quinn had treated me as if I were in boot camp this morning, ordering me around, P.T. training and all. My muscles twitched underneath my shirt, I hadn't gone for a mile run in ages, but saying no to Quinn wasn't the smartest thing in the world.

Then again, running with shrapnel in your leg isn't smart either. I'd had to sit down after half of a mile, Quinn came and found me, looking just about ready to skin me alive.

"Ms. Winters stressed that your PTSD was getting worse, aren't you the least bit worried about this?" Carrie probed, I ignored her and kicked off my boots. Quinn wasn't allowed to tell my therapist anything about what I had told her, something about the confessional being a safe place to talk about what was bothering you.

Killjoy stuck his nose in my shoes and sniffed deeply.

"Ms. Iero, I can recommend you for higher care," threatened Carrie, I paid her no mind, she'd been threatening this since the first meeting we'd had. Carrie fingered through my military files, the official reports of what had happened. She'd tried to start a conversation with this information but had yet to succeed in doing so.

"Alice, let's talk about Captain Perry." Carrie said testily. I stiffened and looked down at her, the small woman in front of me had the gall to smirk. Killjoy looked up at me, puppy dog eyes confused.

"His name is Mike." I said quietly.

"Captain Perry died in combat, correct?"

"His name is Mike." I repeated glaring at her, but she wasn't looking at me, instead she was writing something down on her little notebook. Killjoy put his head in my knee and sighed.

"Were you close to Captain Perry?"

"Yes, I was close to him." I jammed my feet back into my boots. My stomach did flip-flops at the sound of his name. I don't want to talk about Mike.

"It says that you and Captain Perry were on your last rotation, correct?"

"I don't want to take about Mike." I snapped.

"This could help us progress, we can help you get over your grief-"

"I really don't want to talk to Mike." I muttered, Carrie ignored me and continued to prattle on.

"I believe our time is up." I said stiffly, she opened her mouth to protest, but one simple glare made her shut her mouth.

I grabbed killjoy's leash and left. I didn't wait for her to walk me out of her office, choosing to walk away. I had to wait for Quinn to show up, I wasn't allowed to drive for the fear of an attack while I was driving. Quinn said I was horrible at driving anyway, so it wouldn't matter.