Thoughts..

Constant

I constantly think of the things that could or may happen to anything and everything around me. A child runs across a gravel path I tell them to stop because I predict a fall that could be prevented as the "adult" looks at me weird and says don't tell my kid what to do look. And seconds later the kid starts running again for them to lose footing and fall to there face. I don't want to say that I think I can predict things, more as I can feel that realistically it may as well happen.

I constantly think that if you dwell in only the bad things bad things will be all you see. If you give up hope then how will you know hope when it's there.

I constantly can't stand when a person can be so selfish to kids. They have to conform to your life style you have to remind them that there just like them. All the bad and good it dosent matter. I can't stand when a person would rather better themselves with a child then better themselves with a soul. People like that are selfish and deserve when there kids act out its better to teach your child to be themselves because they are a creation of two souls that make a complete brand new one. Don't force your past onto a kid who wants to do right. If a child does something bad don't praise it with I was just like that as a kid your just like me. Because that will scar a kid if your not carefully don't make copycats make unique originals.

Constantly I feel a terrible feeling of self hatred, why can't I stand up for myself in situations to her, why does anything I do mean nothing unless it's a competition. I should not have to argue with you like a child. I should not feel a terrible feeling of depression and loneliness when I have to go back. I should not have to feel the way I do when I don't when I am not. You make me feel like I shouldn't even want to live because what world would I get to live if I don't have the hope and strength now to leave. I bring up that I will leave even if I have nothing then and you take it all away with a few crushing words then try to soften it up like you'll always be there. You make me sick.

Why do people put on facades to try and be the best looking and sounding person. Am I supposed to not call you out. Because the feeling of having someone close to me say your awesome makes me want to turn around and punch you in the face for lying. Like how dare you lie and manipulate your way to my friends and try and try to make them like you. Your not cool your demented. You need to go to you own friends, oh wait that's right you don't have any because you lie and manipulate and they find out. The only friends you can keep, you can't talk to because you'd ruin it if you were to speak what you were really thinking.

I'm really a nice person. I hate getting people mad. Because of mental and emotional abuse I've been known to cry if someone is even dissapointed in me. I can't stand it I go back and forth with myself. There's moments when someone lies to me enough that I will emotionally explode and scream so loud because how is one person supposed to hide and hold all these lies. How can one person try to keep the so called love but try and hold the pain and everyone's regrets along with it. How could some one be there your whole life and leave lying there whole way through but still say they love and would never hurt you. Just blindly stab me in the back because they know Celsia cares they know I would do anything as long as everyone else was happy. I have close friends that I don't even talk to anymore because I'm not "allowed" too tell me how am I still here. HOW am I still here? ... Because I think of everyone in my life that has fought and lost hope and me losing my little bit of hope this early on in my life would break everyone else hope. Because I know they look for my strength because they tell me that or if they don't tell I can feel it and I can see it in there eyes. It's the one thing that keeps me here. It's the strongest thing I can hold on too and know won't never not cross my mind.