Trapped (Alastor x reader)

Part 54: Final Meeting. Final Choice

You don't remember the age you acknowledged it, since you had depression since childhood, granted, you didn't know what it was at the time, but it definitely didn't take long for you to understand the ways of real life.

The world ran on one simple rule. It wasn't a case of what you knew, but who you knew to get further up the ladder. Which was about the same as any other time period now that you thought about it. And if you were anything but a normal standard to society, then your life was immediately forfeit.

So you did what you thought was natural. You masked yourself, hid away the parts that made you an alien in the eyes of others, even when you were in the house, outside of your room, you would pretend to be like everyone else.

That mask cracked very badly, though, after pushing your mum down the stairs, and it had never been the same since then. You were never the same after that. If that was even possible.

But that didn't matter anymore, because you were certain you were not in Kansas anymore.

You were certain you had died. You remember falling into the acid. You remember the way your skin melted away before you became nothing but skin melted liquid.

So why were you standing at a station with a pure white steam train resting at said station? And for that matter, why did it look like snow had literally stuck itself to every surface? Were you in limbo?

"You should be asking that yourself, you are the one who created this place after all" a voice said from behind you.

You turn around and see the last person you expected to see "mum?"

She looked just like she had before you had pushed her down the stairs, smiling calmly at you as if this was any other day.

"I really am dead, I must be if I'm seeing you-" the situation finally caught up to you and you begin chocking on air as you become a blubbering mess in front of her, talk about embarrassing.

The next thing you know, you're clinging onto her, making childish, baby noises as you try to say 'sorry' to her, over and over again.

She doesn't say anything, she just hugs you back as tightly as you were to her.

When the worst of the cry was over, you force yourself to let go of her so that you could look at her properly, while still doing those annoying inhale/hiccups.

"You look a mess" she says "when was the last time you got some proper sleep?"

"Depends" you choke out "do you. Mean. Before or. After. Those demons. Came?"

"You tell me" she shrugs as she helps you walk to the only, and very convenient, bench that sat innocently on the station and sit down.

"Then both" you shudder and inhale "I don't. Remember when. I last. Slept" you cough as if that would help your little problem.

"Guilt is another form of depression, in a sense" your mum says after a moment of silence "it slowly eats away at you until you are nothing more than a shell of what you once were, like survivors guilt"

You knew that perfectly well.

"It wasn't your fault you know, you defended yourself, you are not the first person to have done something like that, and you won't be the last"

"I know that" you choke "I know that it can happen to anyone, I know accidents can happen, so why do I not feel it?"

"Because you feel like you don't deserve it" she says calmly "you feel like you deserve to feel every bit of this parasite, and with how your, mental health is, it's messed you up even more"