In My Mind

Worry Wart

Do you have someone that you love and hold dear? Do you ever feel as if you are annoying them, or being childish? You can tell that they are different... tired. Do you ever feel that they are tired of you? You think of ways that you might annoy them.
Maybe they don't like childish behavior? You act quite childish sometimes. You try to act like an adult around them from now on. What if there is more than one reason? Perhaps they don't like nosey or clingy people. You can get very clingy and sometimes nosey without realizing it.
You try to stop that. You keep your distance from them. No matter how much you want to talk to them, you stop yourself. You tell yourself that it's for them. To make them happy. It's okay if you're not happy, just as long as they are no longer annoyed by you.
After a while, they talk to you. Asking why you have been away. You can't tell them that you were away because you felt that you were annoying them. That'd be a childish reason and they don't like childish behavior. Instead, you tell them that you've been very busy. They seem to buy that.
You chat with them for awhile, always being cautious of what you do and say. Feeling a bit uncomfortable, but you tell yourself it's better than the unsettlingly distant conversations you had before. They seem to be a little more open. It reminds you of the days when you could talk to them about anything and everything with ease. Sure, you can't do that anymore, but it is still nice in a way.
The end of the conversation is drawing near. You don't want it to end. You want to act childish and selfish and bring up some random topic to keep them talking. Except you don't. You force yourself to smile and say goodbye.
You lay in your bed that night. Thinking of everything that occurred and everything that could have been. Tears streak down your cheeks as you think about it. Yet you force a smile because you are making them happy. Maybe the longer you stay apart from them, the easier it will be.
You try, but something always comes up that demands your attention towards them. Maybe it's something as small as you walking past an electronics center. The many tv's are showing a soccer game. You notice that their favorite team is playing. You suddenly wonder what they are doing right this moment. You wonder if they are happy. Maybe they are with someone that makes them happier than you ever could have.
More time passes. You continue to talk with them every now and then, but that 'every now and then' turns into 'keeping in touch'. That 'keeping in touch' turns into barely a 'hello'. Then, one day you see several posts on a social media site. The posts show that they are happy. One of your deep, internal fears has come true. They found someone who makes them happier than you ever could have.
You force a smile. You leaving them alone really did make them happy. They became happy because you were out of the way and they could get on with their lives. Your smile wavers. What if they would have been happier with you? What if all your worrying caused you to believe something that wasn't even true? What if they weren't annoyed with you at all? They were just tired because of something else that they never mentioned because they thought they'd annoy YOU with their problem?
None of that mattered now. They were happy with someone else. You couldn't just waltz back into their life like nothing happened. You have to live with your decisions now and hope that you can get a second chance with someone new. Although no one would ever replace the one you let go of.