In the Midst of it All

Solitude: A Long March

March 7th, 2012

I've built a sanctuary called Solitude.
I am hiding in a place I built myself. It is cold, dark, lonely, yes. But it is safe.
I think if I never leave this sanctuary, never open it to anyone, I will never be hurt.

It is inside me. I isolate myself so I will never be hurt. I won't open up to anyone, because getting my hopes high; is setting myself up for disappointment. I walk alone and safe, alone and unaided. I'm building those walls until they are impenetrable. I'm building those walls out of fear. I'm building those walls to protect myself. I won't let anyone in, regardless of whether or not they want to... I guess I've been hurt too many times to by someone I've trusted, to let anyone else in. So I've found a solution...
I'm shutting out the world.

March 12th, 2012
The walls are working. I haven't been letting anyone in. They are getting bigger and taller. My sanctuary is almost impenetrable. I block out anyone who tries to get through to me, who tries to tell me to open up. My walls now mean I won't be hurt again. I'm never going to take them down, or open up. Because if I let anyone in, they'll hurt me again. My walls keep me safe and sound.

March 17th, 2012
At first I thought my walls were amazing, now I don't think I'm too sure. I'm obviously not going to take them down, because I'm still afraid to get hurt again. They are staying where they are. I just felt like, for a second, I wanted to open up to someone. I'm not going to let them in though, I know they'll just hurt me. I will never let that happen again.

March 20th, 2012
I'm not too sure about the walls. I keep wanting to open up, it's weird. I thought Solitude was a sanctuary, a haven, but now I feel slightly trapped. I have an urge to escape. I want to pass it off as nothing and keep the walls up, but the urge is getting quite strong.

March 22nd, 2012
I think I need to escape. But I can't. If I'm trying and failing to escape a sanctuary, it's a prison. My sanctuary has become a prison. I don't know.

March 23rd, 2012
I don't know.

March 27th, 2012
Now I try to escape. Try to tear down the walls because I am willing to open up again. But the walls were built out of fear; they must be destroyed with hope. And for a person who willingly imprisoned herself, hope is something scarcely found. So I search for it. Search for scraps of hope that will help me overcome my walls of fear, so that I can open up again. And it isn't easy. The realisation of how hard it is going to be is slowly sinking in. Where will I find the hope, the confidence to use as a battering ram at the towering walls of fear I built? What kind of hope can destroy three years of time: three miles of bricks that were thrown at me. That I cemented together in order to block out another ounce of pain. But I am going to find that hope... Somewhere...

March 28th, 2012
I think I know where to get the hope. It turns out there are other prisoners in their own sanctuary, built from fear of being hurt once more. We're all opening up for each other. It's hard to let go of the fear I spent three years growing out of control, but they are helping me. Slowly but surely, I am finding the hope and courage to overcome my wall of fear. My phone rings beside me, vibrating on the leather couch. I pick it up. It's Jessie and Lucas. I, for the first time in three years, don't decline. I press the phone to my ear, smiling.
"Congratulations, guys, you are the first people I have answered a phone call from in three years." I say.
"No, Rose, Congrats to you." Luke replies, laughing with pleasure.
"Yeah, we're really proud of you, you know." Jessie says.
"I'm proud of you two, too." I agree. "You've come so far."

They have. When I first met them at school, Lucas' head was buried in a book, and Jessie had her earphones plugged in. Those were their walls. The three of us have started to open up to each other. It is far from easy, but knowing that I have hope for something brings me joy I didn't know I was missing.

March 30th, 2012
"I am so glad I let you guys in." I whisper, wiping my tears of joy as Jessie and Lucas sit on each side me, the three of us looking at a cake that reads: Happy Birthday Rose!
"Me too, now make a wish, I'm starving!" Jessie laughs, hugging me.
"Yeah, that cake looks delicious!" Lucas says, grinning. I punch him softly on the shoulder.
"Stop bragging, we know you're an excellent baker." I tease. Jessie takes the match, lights it, and slowly begins to light the candles on the cake, as Lucas and I watch in delight. Each candle is a flame of hope: I have three. I didn't choose for the candles to count my age, but be a representation of the guiding lights I have hope in: I have hope in Jessie; I have hope in Lucas; I have hope in my self. I turn to Lucas and Jessie, watching eagerly as my eyes reflect the three flames wavering before me. I can still see them when I close my eyes.

I take a deep breath and make my wish, and I mean each word from the bottom of my heart, willing it to come true, because I know now that it has for me-
Let everyone burn down their walls of fear with flames of hope.

(A/N) Yay! First story of the book! Did you like it? If you did please vote and comment because I would really appreciate feedback! Also please excuse any spelling/grammar errors.

The idea for this story came to me when I was in a stationery shop. You know how they sell those special leather gold-picked diaries? Sometimes I like to write stuff on little pieces of paper, like: "today will be the best day of your life!" And put it in the diary, so the person that buys it will get a surprise. It's weird I know.

I got the idea for doing that from this TV series called "The Next Step". It's a Canadian dance drama and on one of the episodes this guy called West was putting 50 dollar bills in books so that the person who bought it would get a surprise. Obviously I don't have the money to do something as generous as that but I really liked the idea, and so I adapted it, and then I decided to write a diary-style story about someone's life suddenly changing for the better...

I don't know why I thought you wanted to know this but if you're still reading, you deserve a donut.
~Sunflower