Why did mom die? She committed suicide, bled herself to death.
I couldn't believe it at first, why she did that. She seemed so happy and she made it seem like everything was okay.
It was her funeral. All of our relatives were present. Even my father who never visited us was present. It took me a moment to recognize him when he first arrived.
My brother, Tom, was sitting on a chair with his right hand holding a mug of coffee. Dark circles appeared under his eyes. He didn't get enough sleep these past few days. In fact, neither of us did.
Mom would be buried in a few hours.
Feeling dizzy, I sat on a chair next to Tom. He didn't look up when he did but he made a sigh which was barely audible.
"She's gone." He said. Tears were forming in his eyes and it seemed like I wasn't talking to my own brother anymore. That was the first time I've seen Tom cry.
"I know." I replied. He wiped his tears and brought himself up.
"I need to change my clothes. I need to look presentable." He said.
"You always look presentable." I said, and his smile was almost genuine.
Tom and I took a last look at our mother. She is so beautiful. Or was, for that matter. I had to get my handkerchief from my pocket to keep my tears from falling. Tom was sobbing so hard, if I didn't know the reason why, I might as well be laughing at him. But that's not the case. Tom wasn't just sobbing for nothing. It was his mom, our mom.
My entire life wouldn't be the same without her, would never be the same without her.
"Do you think she's happy now?" Tom asked between sobs.
"I don't know. She wanted this, didn't she?" I heard myself saying the words with a flash of sharpness.
Despite of all the good things my mom had done to me and the fact that she's gone, I can't still help but feel angry at her. For what she had done. Leaving us off guard. It didn't really seem to be the thing that mothers should do. Maybe I was being such a bitch but I didn't care.
"It's not her fault." Tom said, as if reading my thoughts.
"She must have done something other than killing herself and leaving us empty handed." I told him.
"For fuck's sake, Luanne. She's fucking dead. It's not like we can blame her for this." That hit me. He was right. There was no reason to be angry at my mom. Maybe everything was just too much that she couldn't take it anymore, or was it?
Mom's lawyer had already left and she told us that mom had left us with nothing but her debt. Maybe that's the reason why she decided to kill herself. We had no other choice but to give up our house and then move to our father's house.
The first time I saw him was on Mom's funeral. And now, we were going to live with him together with his partner and their kids. But, let's make this clear, Mom and Dad were separated, but they' weren't divorced. And he wasn't married to his partner. But I thought they're going to be in a few weeks or so.
Tom's right hand was on his forehead. The expression in his face completely screams: Our life is miserable.
And yes, it was.
