It takes a long time for you to even process a part of what happened. Or why. You don't care as much about how it happened; that doesn't matter that much. But even as it starts to sink in, nothing gets easier. Sure, after a few weeks, you can go outside and hold off crying until you're in the comfort of your own home again. And sometime after that, the nightly bouts of hyperventilation turn into staring at the ceiling.
Namjoon emails you Jeongguk's chart to read, containing everything from the goal of the procedure and the details of it, to what went wrong in the end. But it takes you almost a year to even open the document.
In a way, you understand them, you really do. They wanted his best, and he wanted a shot at being happy, but you can never forgive them for it, and even if you would, just seeing their faces brings everything back. So you don't keep in touch with any of them. It's just too hard and too painful. Why didn't they contact you sooner?
Afterward, you catch yourself occasionally wishing that if they weren't going to tell you in time, that they just hadn't told you at all. It hurt so badly when he left without a real goodbye, and never knowing what happened to him would've been miserable, but it's nothing compared to the pain of losing him entirely. The pain of knowing that he never actually got to be happy, never got to know how loved he was.
The guilt and the regret eats you up inside because you know how he felt; you saw the tapes. He didn't want to go back to the sea to find his family, because he most likely didn't have any. But he went because you made him. Stubbornly, you told him that you couldn't keep him there, couldn't be his family. So he left. Destined to be alone in a sea that lacked sirens in the first place, he left.
Because of you.
Of course, you learn that he didn't last long out there, choosing to return. They called in another scientist, a proclaimed expert, and together, they started the risky process of giving him a life beyond the water. Apparently, Jeongguk didn't expect you to like him after he changed—if he made it through, that is—but he still did it so that maybe, maybe he could make a life for himself. He just didn't want to be alone anymore.
YOU ARE READING
drown for you | jjk
Fanfictionthere was something in that enormous tank, hidden in the murky water. all you knew was that you weren't allowed inside the room and that it used to hold something dangerous. siren!jk x f reader
