My Song

Chapter I. FLYING WITHOUT WINGS

I WAS SITTING ALONE on the front row of the bus seats that was supposed to be for three persons. The sun was high and the wind was brushing my face which I really love to feel whenever I travel. The trees by the road said hello to me but it was hard to smile at them. I don't know how it could happen but the sky was gray to me when the truth is it was blue and the laughters of my friends sitting on the seats behind me were fading away. I wondered if I had gone blind and deaf or my heart was just in an unstable state? Maybe it has affected the way my brain was supposed to tell me what color I was seeing or what sound I was hearing. All I could think about was the moment from an hour before: myself in gallons of tears, my sister looking at me like I am the most notorious criminal on earth, and my mother punching words at me like I am... I am nobody... nobody important. My mother told me I should stop studying instead. I thought, I'm only 14 years old, currently at second year in secondary education and I should stop studying instead! Who is there to blame but me? I have done something really, really wrong. It was February, the month of love, but all I feel was sorrow and bitterness and depression and everything that feels unpleasant.

"Were here, guys! Let's go." Cried Greta, one of my classmates who were with me.

Her thin but loud voice awakened me. I then have come to realization that we have travelled for 30 minutes but all that has happened seemed just a second to me. We went down the bus, six of us. In front of us stood the school where we will do our video for our Math project. I was very silent while my friends nominated the place with their very loud chatters and annoying laughters. That moment I just wanted to run to a very, very far place and be alone. If I only could do the things I desired to do that very minute I would have cried at the top of my lungs and tell the world I'm really sick of it and everything that comes with it. And I did hope that whatever we were going to do in that sickening place would end soon 'cause I was willing to cooperate just to give my hope a chance to come true.

The school was literally green and quiet for it was Saturday so there were only a few students present. There were a lot of trees inside the campus and it seemed perfect for a relaxation if you're needing one. I needed one, and what happened to us there was more than I had expected. It was more in the way that I thought I would feel content if we would finish the deed early. But what the gracious God gave me was a package. We decided we should explore the greenery of the place so we climbed up the trees and raced down the rocky roads of the school. We were also supposed to shoot at the swimming pool which was why we were attired for diving. One of my friends even brought a beach volleyball. Think of that! A beach volleyball in a forest-kind-of-institution! We really did see some people laughing at us; in front of us! We were embarassed, alright, but it was hilarious. Back to the "supposedly scene at the pool", we weren't able to do it because the pool was under renovation. Vic, who used to live inside the school grounds where her mother teaches, said there is a narrow river near the pool. We hiked our way to the river because it was up-hill, something that Vic forgot to inform us. We did our shooting there at the river and we didn't miss the opportunity of getting wet. It was one fun experience! About the package I was talking about, it was this: 1.) we finished our video project before the dark reached the ground and 2.) we had a tireful but amazing day! My name was listed as a submitter with five of my friends which was something that couldn't have happened if... God hasn't been so gracious. Hours ago I was told to stop schooling but there I was hours later, doing a school project and seeing a hope, a real hope of continuing what I have started right. Or rather, I saw a hope, a hope of starting anew again.

When I came home the scene was pitch silent. It was a defeaning silence that I expected to be for days, or weeks, or months. My mother said nothing to me. My sister tried to talk unimportant things with me. Well, atleast she was trying to help me get by. She couldn't understand and I guess she'd never understand the things I did and why I did them. I WAS an excellent student, you know. I am considered as one of the smartest persons in the class. I join intellectual and even social competitions and win some, lose more. I have a Christian family. We never missed church and pray before every meal. I am baptized, something importantly sacred. You know, it's the way you dedicate yourself to Jesus Christ. But I... I took in drugs. Not the pharmacy-kind-of-drugs, but the kind that would make you lose your right thinking. It's something many teenagers as old as I am take in. Teremy introduced them to me. He's a boy I have come to know and we became really good friends, but 'till I found myself hurting my mother with a bruise I wonder if he has really been a friend to me. I can't even picture myself out. I bruised my mother! I bruised the person who tuck me in to sleep when I was a baby, who milked me and nourished me with the right food, who clothed me and sent me to school, who loved me and cared for me. One night ago, she found me writing something. She asked me what I was doing. I told her I was writing a poem, something I don't brag about but I'm good at. She wanted to see it but I couldn't show it to her. Everything that has happened afterwards was a blur. Then I saw a bruise on her arm. I then have realized that... I hit her. I couldn't show her the note I was writing to Teremy. The note said "Teremy, when will the drugs come? I need them, badly." But she saw the note. That time I was in mental disorder.

My mother cried to me, "What have I done to you, Ina? Did I do you wrong? Haven't I loved you enough? Answer me! Why are you doing this to us! Why?!"

I couldn't utter a word. My head was bowed down to the floor that was flooded with my tears. I wasn't able to think of the right thing to do. Effect of the drugs? Probably. My sister was screaming. Tears started to stream down her face. My mother was about to have a heart attack!

"Mom, please calm your heart out. Please don't have a heart attack!" Maxine whispered to our mother.

Three of us were crying. Fortunately, my mother fell asleep. The night was late. Maxine slept beside my mother while I stayed up awake all night, thinking of running away. But even to stand up I have forgotten how. I felt in sane. All I could think of was the bruise I had given to my mother. My mind called, "Lord! Lord! Lord!", but even Lord Jesus Christ seemed to be mad at me. My soul cried for help. Nobody heard me. I needed not of drugs but of help. Drugs! Teremy! The two of them brought disaster to my life! How could I've been so stupid? Drugs are unwanted in the society but I had them. Now those drugs left me fine, alright! 

February days passed by and I continued attending school. I don't even know how but me and my mother, as the days passed, started talking to each other like nothing happened. Maybe, secretly in our hearts we chose to give love than fill our hearts with hatred and sorrows. We did not even talk about what happened. I just focused in school and enjoyed the last days of the class. The school year was about to end and I was about to receive an honor for having high grades. Clubs opened too for the next school year's officers and members. One of the clubs that indulged the students to join was the TechYes Club. It was a technology club where four students were the first and original members and they were scouting for more clubbers. I thought of joining. It wouldn't hurt to try, right? So I did, without asking permission from my parents. More days had passed and my sorrow was starting to be replaced by happiness. I spent more time at school and with my friends and that helped me forget that I was before a bad girl. I wouldn't like to be bad again. For the people I've hurt I want to be good. From the ground to the sky that was how I felt. I had no wings but I was flying! God must have seemed silent that very night but He worked me out. He lifted me up from all the world's pressures and problems. Happy ending already? It's only the beginning. Little did I know that more blessings were to come in my future.