To Write Love on His Arms (a Larry Stylinson fanfic)

Chapter Six

In the last four hours, I have managed to make my way back to Louis's and my flat. After having to sit through what I did earlier, I can't help but feel stressed and upset. Louis was taken to shop for a suit for tonight's festivities with one of our managers, while I was left to go back to our empty home.

As soon as I arrived home, I kick off my shoes and made my way to the bedroom. Even though its just one in the afternoon, I feel exhausted. Never once in all of the mess that has taken place because of our lies, has an engagement crossed my mind. Sure, I knew at some point Louis and Eleanor may have had to be forced to 'move in together', but I didn't think they would have to go this far.

When I was leaving Modest's headquarters earlier, the boys had told me that they would be coming over to keep me company. However, I know do a fact that its just to make sure I don't do anything stupid. That's one thing I am thankful about. Having the three of them around to keep an eye on me during these more difficult times.

But, with the couple of hours I have to waste, I have to spend them alone. Usually, I would try calling my mum or sister, but they are at work. Plus, I couldn't exactly call either of them because they know what I am capable of in these situations, when I am alone.

The thing is, I am not exactly 'alone'. My thoughts take over me when I have been through a period of high stress and sadness. If my mum and sister knew what I feel like right now, they would probably do what they did to me the last time I ever felt like this.

Back in the summer of 2008, I was sent to a mental hospital for a short stay. It was due to my depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. I had to stay for only 6 weeks, before being sent back to Cheshire. This just one of the many secrets I haven't told my fans, friends, and even Louis. It's one of the things I am not proud of.

As I reach my bed, I strip myself of my shirt and tight jeans (which I truthfully hate). Before I lay down, I reach under the bed for a small box I keep hidden from Louis. It's labeled 'Harry's miscellaneous things'. It's stuff that I had brought from my home in Cheshire to mind mad Louis's home here in London. Louis knows enough to not open this box since the items inside are stuff I don't want him to see, and I am thankful that he has obeyed my wishes so far.

'He's probably out having fun with her right now' my subconscious says startling me. The thoughts have started to begin again, after keeping them at bay for years. 'Just do it Harry, you know you want to'. That's a reference to something I have hidden in my box. I take a deep breath before I open the box.

Everything is left in the spots I had put them in the last time I put this box away. My journal in the top left corner, my camera in the bottom left, my small stack of favorite pictures in the bottom right, and in the top left what use to be my best friends, my blades. Two two small blades that had helped me so much, are right back in front of me.

'Cmon chicken. Do it' one half of me screams to just relieve this pain that is building up inside of me. 'You know Louis would be upset if you do this' says another half of me. This internal battle continues for a few more minutes, until my phone interrupts my thinking. I lean over to my nightstand, where I had put my phone down.

One missed tweet flashes across my phone. Despite being as famous as I am, I do take advantage of the tweet notifications, but in this case I really wish I hadn't.

"@louis_tomlinson: yes it's true, @eleanorjcalder and I are engaged. I love you El". My heart drops to what seems like the center of the earth. Who knew that one small tweet could ever make me feel this way? Suddenly I feel warm tears streaming down my face as I continue to stare at my screen.

'You know he loves you' my mind tells me in attempt to calm me down. But, my rationality isn't going so great right now. Without much thought, I reach into the small box I had set down on my lap, pulling out the item I never thought I would touch again.

The coolness of the blade in my hand sends a shiver down my spine, as I try to think of a place I can cut. Being famous and all, means I can't cut in my normal spot on my wrist. After a minute of deliberating, I decide on my hip, which would be least noticeable. I take a deep breath before sliding the blade carefully and precisely across my hip, cutting open my skin. Three cuts later, one for each year I have spent loving Louis, I put down the blade. Blood trickles down my side, as I wipe of the blade and put it back into my box. Carefully, I get up off of the bed, with years still streaming down my face. Five years of being clean are now gone, all thanks to my management.

As I walk toward my bathroom, to hopefully take a short shower before the boys arrive, I hear a knock in the front door. Letting out a sigh, I make my way to the stairs.

"Harry, c'mon mate. We got beer, pizza, wings, ice cream, more be..." Niall says through the door, but I cut him off. Niall, Liam, and Zayn are all standing outside, holding a bunch of different things. I move aside to allow them through, hoping this visit will remain short.