To Write Love on His Arms (a Larry Stylinson fanfic)

Chapter Twenty

Warning: this chapter has mentions of self harm

Please leave feedback :)

_______________________________________________________________

Two hours have passed since I was pushed into the pool, the pool in which I wished I drowned in. Loads of cameras captured countless photos of cuts that were never meant to be seen by the world. Those images are probably circulating around the world now as I sit here. Yet everything in my life turns out to be the opposite of the way I want it to go. The time spent on preparing for this party I had to go to only hide my real life problems, was all wasted.

After being completely exposed, I ran. Ran as far as I could with what little time I had. Of course people started coming after me seconds later, but I managed to out run them. Running up staircases, down hallways, hiding in a coat closet, and finally finding a quiet little housekeeper closet to stay in.

The room is small with the smell of bleach, detergent, windex, and some other cleaners scent filling the air. It is dark, but little beams of light from under the door allow the small corner I am in to be illuminated.

All I have been doing for the past two hours, was cry. I could swear that I have never cried this much in my life before. My secrets have been confirmed to the whole fucking world, my deepest darkest secrets thrown out to the public as if they were just your ordinary everyday gossip story. But there is still one secret that hasn't been completely exposed, and that secret is what rely my life on. My boyfriend, the love of my life, my best friend, my other half, my rock, Louis Tomlinson. He is the one secret that I wish was exposed, since he is not the one that ruined me for so many years of my life. My cutting was my past, yet it has been dragged back from the grave because of a short relapse.

This is why I wish I was not famous sometimes, but I am and there is nothing I do about it now. I can pray for some sort of good to come out of this, but I have probably ruined not only my career, but all of the groups careers too. Heck I wouldn't blame it if Louis wanted to rid me from his life.

I am nothing but a failure and tonight has been my biggest fuck up. I could not even manage to do one simple thing that was asked of me! All I had to do was stay out of the water, or even just stay in the pool for awhile and ask someone to bring a towel over or the stairs for me so I could wrap it around me before anything was seen. But, I failed. What else is new.

Tears continue to fall down my face, as I sit here with my arms wrapped around my legs. Nothing will be able to fix what I did.

Louis should have heard of this by now, all of the boys should have, yet no one has bothered to try calling me. No one has come screaming down the hallways of this hotel. I am completely alone, with a huge burden over my shoulders.

'This really shows how they do not care about you. You fuck up everything, idiot'.

'Fucking selfish asshole, you ruined everything for the ones you supposedly love'.

'Just kill yourself already'.

All of these voices in my head start up again, just like they always do when I am under high pressure situations. They are always negative, and always make the situation worse. When they start up, I am usually somewhere safer and more private than where I am now.

'Just admit it. You deserve to be dead, you ruined everything you and your supposed best friends worked for. Life is a gift, for you it's a curse. End your curse'.

These voices have always been bad, but never this bad.

'Cmon what are yo...'

"STOP IT!!! FUCKING SHUT UP!!!" I scream in attempt to silence the voices. In attempt to end the turmoil I have been through. In attempt to maybe get my happiness back.

I throw my head back against the wall, with tears now flowing profusely down my cheeks, staining my shirt with each little drop.

I take out my phone and open up my messages. Nothing new, but that's not what I am looking for. Scrolling down to the second conversation thread, I press on the name 'Boo Bear', and begin to type a message.

"Louis, I do not know how much more I can take. It is all getting worse, the voices are getting worse. I need you more than I have ever needed you in my life. Please come and get me, babe I fucking need you. Please please please please" I finish typing it and press send, hoping for a reply soon.

Ten minutes pass by with no reply. Maybe these voices were right, maybe he is done with my problems and bullshit. Maybe Louis does not want a broken boyfriend anymore. I couldn't blame him if this was true.

Five more minutes pass by with no reply.

'He's not going to reply to you loser, just end it'.

"No" I whisper out of me, hoping for Louis to reply soon, so the voices would be wrong.

Seven more minutes later.

'Face it, he has moved on. Now you know what you need to do'.

I look around for something that could take me out of this misery, permanently.

Windex? Not toxic enough to do much.

Detergent? Too flowery smelling.

Bleach? Ehhh.

I take the cap off of the bleach, and look inside the bottle. Not much is left, but there's enough to make a mark. I lift the bottle up almost in a position where it will begin to pour out.

"Harry? Harry!? HARRY!?" I hear a voice scream out in the hallway.

"HARRY, BABY, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!?". It's Louis.