I'm not a Winchester

(11)

We left Aiden at the police station and told them we found him and didn't know he had anything to do with the recent murder in the town. They believed us for some fucking reason and we got in the impala. I sat in the back this time, and we rode in silence. I can't get what that demon said out of my head. Wasn't Ryan already too far gone by the time I found out about the demon? Did he feel anything? And am I really supposed to have kids?
The thoughts about what could happen if I did have kids with Dean echoed through my head. That would get us all killed. This would've never worked. I felt tears brimming my eyes as I tried to stop those thoughts. It was all my fault. Ruby's going to die. I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my head against the glass, my breathing started to pick up.
"Shit." Escaped my throat as I gritted my teeth together. Tears fell out of my eyes and I grabbed my head, trying to stop it form pounding.
"Danny!" I heard Dean breathe as he pulled over and parked the impala. He ran over to the passenger side and pulled me out, laying me on the gravel. He tried moving my hands away from my face and I hit at him.
"Don't, stop, its my fault!" I stuttered out, trying to push him away from me.
"Danny, what are you talking about? Stop, you're hurting yourself." He said, grabbing my wrists and holding onto them.
"I didn't have to kill Ryan. I should've just exorcised him. Ruby's going to die. She's. She's going to die." I said everything between shallow breaths and Dean probably couldn't understand any of it. My head felt like it was going to explode.
"No, we killed the demon, baby. You're fine, its going to be fine." He tried calming me down. Sobs started leaving my mouth and my body started shaking. Dean pulled me into his chest and I grabbed a fistful of his shirt.
"Breathe, baby girl. Breathe with me, okay?" He said as he held onto me and rubbed my back. I nodded against him and tried to get my breathing back down to match his. I kept my face buried against him until I could breathe again.
"Better?" He asked, pulling me away from him just enough to see my face. I nodded. "We're almost home, baby. Will you be okay?" He questioned as he rubbed the tears off of my face.

"I think so." I sighed. Dean got me off of the ground and tossed Sam the keys.
"You drive, I'm sitting with her." He stated. We got in the backseat and I sat in the middle. Dean's arm wrapped around me and he held me close to him. We ended up with me sitting in his lap, asleep against his chest. My legs were laid over one of his and he didn't let me go.
I woke up slightly when I felt Sam park the car. I moved away from Dean a little and he pulled me gently out of the car. As soon as I was standing, he pulled me into a hug.
"You're safe, okay? Everything's okay." He reminded me. I wrapped my arms around him and held him as tight as he was holding me.
"I love you." I muttered before I could stop myself.
"What?" He asked, obviously not hearing me.
"Sorry. Nothing." I let him go and walked away.
"Danny, come here, its okay." He tried telling me. I shook my head and walked inside. I shouldn't have said that. We're hunters, we could both be dead by morning.  I went into the kitchen. Dean grabbed my wrist and pushed me against the counter.
"What did you say?" He asked. I didn't look at him. "Danny, what did you tell me?"
"I love you. I'm sorry, it was stupid, and I've had a hard day and, and I didn't mean to let it slip out." I rambled. Dean shut me up by pressing his lips against mine. I relaxed a bit as he traced his hand over my lower back.
"I feel the same way." He breathed when we separated. I couldn't help the smile that crept on my face and I kissed him again. We went and sat down on the couch. I turned on some random cheesy movie and Sam made dinner for all of us.
By the time I went to bed, I could hear rain outside the bunker. I couldn't get to sleep because it was a thunderstorm, and I fucking hate thunder. I don't know why, I always have. I laid in my bed and pulled the covers up over myself, trying to calm myself down. As soon as another crack sounded and shook the windows, I curled up to protect myself from it. Maybe Dean would just let me sneak in bed with him? He's a pretty heavy sleeper. I crept downstairs to his room and silently crawled in bed behind him. Another crack of thunder rang and a squeak escaped my throat as I jumped. I could feel myself shaking.
"You're alright, sweetheart. There's nothing that can get you." Dean's sleepy voice said behind me. I felt his hand go onto my hip and I rolled over to face him. "Nothing's going to hurt you while I'm around, okay?" He promised. I let him pull me against him and I buried my face into his neck when the thunder went off again.
"Are you scared of thunder?" I heard him ask.
"I know its stupid, but please just-" I cut myself off as another boom sounded outside.
"Shhh. I'm right here. Its not stupid." He moved away just enough to get me to look at him and placed a kiss on my forehead. His arms wrapped around me protectively and I focused on hearing his heartbeat. I eventually dozed off.
When I woke up the rain and thunder had stopped. I looked at the clock on Dean's side of the bed; 6:30. There's no point in trying to get back to sleep, it won't work. Instead, I got out of the bed and looked around. Dean had pictures of their dad and mom and him and Sam in a few places. I picked up one of just Dean and his mom. She had a huge smile on her face.
"She was beautiful, wasn't she?" I heard Dean behind me. His arms wrapped around my waist and I set the picture down.
"She was gorgeous, Dean. What was her name?" I asked him. He never really talked about his parents. I figured it wasn't really any of my business. But I want to know, if he's willing to tell me.
"Mary Winchester. The most amazing woman to walk this earth. Before you, anyway." Dean smiled as he said that and I smiled back. I turned around in his arms to face him and wrapped my arms around my neck, playing with his hair.
"I hate chick flick moments." I giggled.
"So do I, I can't help it." He chuckled back. Even though I absolutely wanted to gag from how mushy we were being, it also didn't bother me a lot. This was the man I wouldn't mind starting a family...
"Dean, I forgot to tell you something." I blurted out, pretty much ruining the moment. He has to know what the demon said.
"What is it?" His face changed from being soft and filled with love to concern.
"The demon... she told me that we were supposed to have kids and that the first one would have demons after it. She wanted to make me promise it to her or she'd kill me..." I trailed off. I know Dean's someone who deep down wants a normal life. No hunters like the job. He clenched his jaw.
"I know that. There's too many things out there that would want a Winchester. Honestly I worry about even having you when so many things would be more than willing to kill you." He admitted. I felt my heart snap.
"I'm not leaving you, Dean. They can't take me." I told him. He nodded. "I know you wanted kids someday, I'm sorry." I apologized. He rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. I tried to stop from crying. When I thought I was okay I heard him sniffle.
"Dean?" I looked up at him, trying to make sure he was okay. He blinked and looked at me.
"I'm fine, Danny." He breathed. We separated. "We can be more careful so that that doesn't happen." He told me. I nodded and walked out of the room. If he had just decided to leave me I would've understood. He shouldn't have to deal with that crap on top of everything else. I went into the library and grabbed a random book off the shelf, trying to take my mind off of everything. Sitting down on the couch, I opened it to a random page. Parenting 101. As soon as I read the title of the chapter I slammed the book shut and threw it.
"Danny, you okay?" Sam asked, looking at me from his spot at a table. I must've startled him with the noise.
"Yeah, I guess so." I growled.
"Anything you want to talk about?" He seemed doubtful that I was okay. I shook my head and got up, heading outside. I pulled my cigarettes out of my pocket and lit one. After getting halfway through it, I was calming down.
"Hello Danny." Castiel's voice beside me made me jump.
"Hey, Cas." I greeted him. He stood beside me not really saying anything, and I was fine with that.
"Have you and Dean had an argument?" He asked after a few minutes. I snuffed out my cigarette under my boot and got ready to light another one.
"No, I just told him something that he didn't want to hear." I mumbled with one between my teeth. I started rummaging through my pockets for my lighter. After finding it I reached up to light the cigarette.
"Was it about what the demon said?" He asked, innocently gazing at me.
"Are you reading my mind or something?" I chuckled.
"Yes." He replied. I couldn't help but stare at him with a confused look on my face. I knew angels could sense that stuff, but it still weirds me out a little. I just took a deep breath and took another drag.
"Right. Cas, people have guardian angels, don't they?" I questioned him, trying to change the subject.
"Most people do." He stated.
"Do people.... people like me, have one?" I asked carefully. I feel like I already know the answer. A witch cursed me years ago to keep angels from healing me, it was supposed to stop demons from hurting me, too. Needless to say, the demon side of the spell didn't work.
"Yes, hunters have guardian angels."
"But do I? I mean... I feel like if I did they'd have intervened at some point and I would know it by now. Wouldn't they? That witch's curse has to have broken when she died." I told him. I want to believe so badly that someone is watching out for me, but I highly doubt it.
"Danny, I'm not supposed to say..." Cas admitted awkwardly.
"Sure, of course you aren't. Its okay." I nodded to him. He stepped closer to me.
"You shouldn't lose faith just because a few bad things have happened." He explained. I faked a smile.
"Well more than a few bad things have happened, Castiel. But I know. I just want there to be... something, other than this. Do you know if there is?" I exasperated, opening my arms to gesture at my entire life.
"There is an afterlife."
"Not that. I mean is there something outside the hunting life for people like me and Sam and Dean? Will we ever leave it?" I continued to interrogate him. Its unfair to ask him, but I want some kind of hope that it could end some day. We all hated our job, it wasn't hard to tell.
"I'm not sure." He admitted, seeming a little uncomfortable.
"Its okay, Cas. Thanks." I said and snuffed out another cigarette. I just turned and went inside to grab the keys to my camaro.
"I think I'm gonna go on a supply run." I announced to the boys, who were having a conversation in the library.
"Can you get some beer, sweetheart?" Dean asked. I nodded and looked at Sam, expecting him to tell me what he needed.
"Actually, can I go with you? I need to pick up a few things." He asked. I said okay and he left Dean. Cas went to talk to him while Sam and I left.
"So, did you and Dean have a fight or something? I mean, its none of my business but you guys usually send me on runs so you can... you know." Sam asked from the passenger seat of my camaro as I drove to the nearest town. I wanted to laugh at the fact that he knew why we sent him on supply runs, but what he said also made me mad.
"Why does everyone think we had a fight? First Cas, and now you?" I hit my hand on the steering wheel and glared at him.
"You guys are just usually so close to each other most of the time. Dean's acting weird, too." He justified himself. I took a deep breath.
"Sorry. Its not your fault. The demon the other day said some things that were worrying me... I guess Dean didn't want to hear them." I sighed.
"

So was it a fight?"
"No, it wasn't a fight, its just... Its just that maybe he's worried about what I might do now, or something. I don't know what his problem is. It was stupid. The demon can't take our kids, right? We exorcised it." I started talking louder and louder until I wad screaming by the end of my explanation.
"Danny, are you pregnant?" Sam asked. His head was tilted to the side and he just looked confused.
"What? Fuck, I'm not pregnant!" I screamed. "I don't know why the demon thinks I will ever be pregnant! Its not going to happen!" I continued to yell. When I was done ranting I tried to take a deep breath. "Sorry, Sam. Its just confusing." I apologized.
"Its fine. Demons lie all the time, Danny. It could've been wrong about your destiny." He tried to comfort me. I clenched my jaw and exhaled a breath I had been holding in. I pulled into the store and we started gathering what we needed. I went and got a case of beer and a guy walked up to me.
"Hey pretty lady, how about I buy that for you?" He offered. He reeked of stale whiskey and cigars, and was clearly drunk off his ass.
"No thanks, they're for my boyfriend." I tried to get him to leave me alone.
"He doesn't have to know." He slurred out. Sam walked up behind me and I turned to him, seeing a way out.
"Hey babe. I got your beer for you." I winked at him and prayed he would go along with it. He looked at me weird for a minute before understanding what was going on.
"Uh, thanks." He said awkwardly.
"Come on, I want to try out those new cuffs I bought." I said and led him away from the drunk. After we checked out and were headed home he spoke up.
"You want to try out the new cuffs you bought? Is that something I should know about?" He asked in a shocked voice when he fully realized what I had said.
"No, Dean and I don't tie each other up." I laughed.
"Promise? Cause if you're ly- actually I don't even want to know." He kept going on as I pulled into the driveway of the bunker. We grabbed some bags out of the back and headed toward the door.
"Your brother and I don't use cuffs, Sam. But there is quite a bit of biting." I smiled as I opened the door. He groaned and walked past me as I clicked my teeth at him.
Dean went out to get the rest and when he came back I kissed him. He seemed completely prepared for it, too. His hand went around my back, he forced his tongue into my mouth. I bit down on his lip and let out an exaggerated moan.
"I thought we agreed no biting?" Dean asked as he separated from me.
"I thought we said yes?" I whispered and pecked his lips.
"You two are disgusting." I heard Sam yell from the library. I just laughed and went to put away groceries, Dean close behind. We ended up in his room a while later.