FML - Fuck My Life (rantbook)

So tired

I always tried to be perfect for others. Good grades, following the rules, listening to my parents and all that stuff. I thought that by pleasing others I would be happy too. I think others feel the same way. But I've come to know that it just doesn't work like that. I no longer am happy about the way I live. Haven't been for a while. I don't know when it started, but I kind of stopped caring. I still get good grades, but that's just because it's important for me too.

The thing is, I go against my parents. We constantly fight about the way I'm acting, because I'm acting against their rules. And they just can't seem to compromise. For example, they have this wierd opinion that I shouldn't wear make-up, because apparently with stuff on my face I am no longer me and I give the wrong signals. I admit that there was a time when I wore way too much make-up and I overdid it. I was willing to compromise and said that I could stop wearing so much and just go with a little. But no. There was no way I could get through with that. I tried SO hard to tell them that I wasn't just wearing make-up so that others would think I looked pretty, that I did it for myself, because I felt better when I wore make-up, when I could look into the mirror and say "you are beautiful" and actually mean it. It's not that I think I'm ugly without make-up or anything, it just makes me feel better when I wear it.

Anyways, they wouldn't listen. I went against them and wore it even though they told me not to. They tried in every way possible make me not wear it. My dad went as far as throwing all my make-up away, even the stuff I didn't even use. And I was like, hell, that's a lot of money you just tossed in the trash. But as soon as I could, I got new mascara and eyebrowpencil, because that was the only make-up I used at the time. Then I got an eyeliner as a gift from my cousin and I started using that because I thought - and still think - it compliments my eyes. My parents didn't like that at all.

But I did not come here to talk about make-up. What I'm trying to say is that my parents keep setting limits for what I can and cannot do. For fucks sake, I can't even go out with my friends after school without deciding it like two days earlier! What is this, third grade? And I can't eat sweets either, apparently.

I go against my parents' rules so much. I hide things from them, I lie to them. When is this gonna end? They have been searching my room for god knows what a few times now and found stuff they have forbidden me to use. Not drugs or anything, more like make-up, empty soda cans, plastic that once contained chocolate (dear parents, for your information, I can't fucking live without chocolate!) and stuff like that. We constantly argue about things that I should be able to do but they say I can't. I've had enough. I'm so sick and tired of this.

I'm back to zero days clean.. Fuck this. I feel like I should give up and just do as they say. But how am I gonna live a life where I have no say at all in what I want? I'm so tired of keeping my facade, so tired of faking my smile wherever I go.

Just needed to get this off my chest.

My playlist for when I'm feeling down is:
Impossible - James Arthur
Burn it to the ground - Nickelback
A little too much - Shawn Mendes
Little me (unplugged) - Little Mix
Missing you - All Time Low
Wake me up when Septembdr ends - Green Day
Good girls - 5 seconds of summer
So long soldier - All Time Low
Boulevard of broken dreams -Green Day
Adam's song - blink-182
Smells like teen spitit - Nirvana
Social casuality - 5 seconds of summer
I don't care - Fall Out Boy
Girls just wanna have fun - Miley Cyrus
Fly away - 5 seconds of summer
Jet black heart - 5 seconds of summer
Welcome to the black parade - My Chemical Romance
Sunset blvd - Emblem3
Demons - Sam Tsui & Max Schneider
Chandelier - Sia
Freak - Molly Sandén
The climb - Miley Cyrus