Through The Dark (Vol 2.)

Chapter 42

"To be loved and to be in love. "

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He's still in love, with you.

He's still in love, with you.

He's still in love with you.

My heart was hammering against my rib cage, my palms were sweating, and my mouth felt very dry as Louis' words repeated in my head. For a moment I wondered if I was dreaming, if what Louis had said was actually real and the indication I got that it indeed was, was Louis snapping his fingers in front of my face when I still had yet to respond. He'd been staring at me for quite awhile until he realized I wasn't going to say anything, and he turned his attention back to the TV. I didn't know what to say. Was harry really still In love with me? Was I still in love with him? Of course you are. I knew deep down I really still was, but did that matter? Harry and I had been separated for months, how could he possibly still be in love with me after all this time? Especially after what I did, after I had left him the moment I thought he was going to end things with me at the force of management's hands. Granted, I had been so wrong and it was a mistake, but would Harry really forgive it that easily?

He had been so kind, and supportive ever since we got back in the Escalade after our talk on the side of the road. He was understanding when I told him the reasons for me fleeting, and it was obvious he still did have feelings for me, but love? I was so sure he would no longer feel that way about me, and now that Louis' has so bluntly confessed that he was, in fact, positive Harry felt that way, left me feeling hopeful, nervous, and most of all: terrified.

It seemed ridiculous to be afraid of Harry loving me, considering I know damn well there are about a billion girls out there who would kill to have him feel that way about them. But the possibility of him still loving me made me think about whether I was ready for that again. I still had my baggage, my life was a mess. Maybe not as much as it had been when we were together then, but I still had shit to deal with. One of them being my rude biological mother, and her children that so happen to be my half siblings. I needed to figure me out before I figured him and I out. He couldn't love me, he can't love me. I was a disaster, but I knew Harry well enough to know he wouldn't care about that. He's said several times already he didn't see me as a burden, but I knew I was. He didn't have to believe it when I sure as hell did.

I felt a sudden rush of panic run through me when I realized I've already taken it too far with Harry, to push him away now. I've let him kiss me, I've initiated kisses several times already, and after letting him touch me last night...there was no turning back now. I couldn't just leave like I did last time, he didn't deserve that. And I was already sucked in, It's like the moment he kissed me at the villa, he opened up the bottle of feelings I've kept screwed shut. He didn't just open it though, he shattered it and it was nearly impossible to keep them at bay now that they're freely running through my veins, drowning me and enveloping the chained girl inside me, trying to loosen her reigns but she keeps fighting to stay that way. It was only a matter of time for my feelings to consume her, I couldn't stop it now, all it took was two days with him to get me growing attached to him quickly like I had months ago. There was nothing I could do to save him from me this time, but I hoped for his sake he would realize I was no good for him. That he deserves better.

The vibrating in my pocket pulls me out of my thoughts, and I blink twice before digging my hand into the pocket of the skirt until I've grasped my phone. Guilt takes over the feelings that have surfaced while thinking about Harry when I see Max's name flashing across my screen. I stare at it, unsure if I'm ready to tell him I only see him as a friend and fighting with my conscious about whether doing it over the phone is even wise.