Now I See BOYxBOY

on"I'm okay now"

I think we've all had a time in our lives when we thought that we will be single forever and no one will be capable of loving us. I'm 17 now and I was actually really needy until last month. I was so lonely, I needed someone to be next to me but there wasn't anyone around. I have best friends who are there for me no matter what but... It's just not the same. I needed someone I can actually lay down and cuddle with all day.

I was super depressed, I sometimes still am, that I needed someone next to me... I wasn't able to concentrate on school and was thinking about shit all the time. It was very unhealthy. I stopped cutting myself at an early age so that wasn't a problem but not being able concentrate on stuff was very bad and I had so many problems at school, home, friends...

Then last month my parents and my sister said they're going to visit my grandparents and won't be home all day. I said "Today's the day. I have decided to sit down and talk to myself about everything I've gone through these past couple of years."

I got myself a pen and paper and started writing down things. I started talking to myself like an adult. I know it sounds crazy but you know I do it all the time. I talk to myself all the time cuz there're so many things in my mind and I have to say them out loud or else I'm gonna go crazy.

At the end of the conversation I decided that I don't need anybody, you know, being single is not that bad. It was hard for me to let go of things that I used to do before. When I could not sleep I used to imagine someone with me in my bed and then I would sleep like a baby. I had to let go things like that cuz it was very unhealthy for me. I'm okay now.

After I decided that I don't need anybody next to me I started concentrating on my dreams and school. I started taking care of myself, something I've never done before. I actually started believing that I was in control of my life. I started thinking about college and friends and I started spending more time with my parents. I felt okay. I felt independent. I was actually happy. I felt like I was able to be whatever I want to be, accomplish whatever I want to accomplish. I didn't need anyone anymore. My parents (they know about me but act like it will go away) would literally shout at me to get a girlfriend. They didn't know anything I was going through and that's why I didn't felt safe home, too. There was literally no other place I felt okay.

Every now and then reality strucks but I'm trying to be stronger than it. This past month was hard for me to let go of things I used to do before. It's really hard breaking bad habits. Any kind of habit, for that matter.

To not think about shit and to keep my mind busy I decided to be a volunteer. I would help the school staff with stuff like helping out in the library, painting walls and stuff like that. It was actually very awkward because the only other teens who had to work with me were in detention. We barely talked. I would listen to music with my headphones on like all the time (that's so me).

The other day we had to work till 8pm. We were fixing some stuff on the football field. I knew we'll be working till nightime so I made couple of sandwiches cuz I knew I'd miss dinner time.
We were about six or seven dudes and girls, every single one of them from detention except me. We started working at 5pm and till 8pm almost everyone had disappeared. There were only about three people. Me, a guy from the classroom next to mine named Deke and the quiet Jamaal. Jamaal didn't look like those other quiet sad dudes. Jamaal looked like he didn't need words to express himself and that's why he never talked. We were almost done but there was still some stuff that had to be done.

"Hey, dudes. I'm sorry but I gotta go. I have dinner arrangements." said Deke with his asshole smile.

I said "Dude wtf? It's still 7:30pm and it's almost done. Help us finish it then we can all go home." but he said "I can't bro. I'm sorry. I have some stuff I can't tell you about. Sorry. Bye."

Jamaal was visibly angry but once again didn't say a word. I thought he would say something but he didn't. I was actually really bummed. You know, I'm not that scary and dangerous looking but Jamaal is. I said whatever I can to make Deke stay and help us but he wasn't scared. Jamaal could have easily scared Deke into staying with us. But he didn't even try. Deke is really scared of Jamaal. He told me that Jamaal is really dangerous and someone you shouldn't mess with.

I got hungry... and a little tired so I said to Jamaal it's better to take a break and comtinue later cause no matter what we still have at least a half hour work. He actually agreed with me. I heard him say something for the first time. He said "okay".

We sat down on the stairs next to the field. He had a bottle of water on his hand. By the bottle's appearance I could see that this bottle is at least a year old.

"Would you like a sandwich?" I offered him.
"Oh, thanks!" he said with half smile. He didn't seem that dangerous but his presence definitely was. He introduced himself. I already knew who he was but pretended I didn't know. You know, like everybody.

"I'm Matthew. I was gonna say nice to meet you but we've seen each other numerous times already. Haha" I said.
He smiled. He SMILED. I cannot believe that he actually smiled.
We had a long long conversation about everything. Life, school, people and those were actually only some of the topics. It turns out that he got detention because he had too many abstences and was surprised when I told him that I was not in detention and I actually volunteered for this. We had a good laugh and he told me he could walk me home cuz he lives in that direction. My dad told me to call him to come and pick me up when we're done but I decided not to call him.

We talked on the way home and Jamaal told me he'll come in the morning so we can walk to school together. I did not know what has happened. Everything happened so fast. Before thirty minutes we weren't talking to each other and now he's telling me he'll walk with me to school in the morning. WTF?! I was nervous. The way he acted made me believe that he's straight. Straight guys make friends like this all time. But I agreed to walk with him to school. I could use a friend right now anyways.

In front of my house we exchanged numbers.

"Good night!"

"Good night! See you in the morning, Matthew!"

That was a first for me. For the first time ever someone said my name correctly. All the others think it's okay to call me Matt but I don't like it. My name is Matthew. You're gonna call me by my fucking name!

This guy is something.