The Green Soul

Chapter 9

Rose lay alone in the bed for what felt like hours, feeling chills and aching loneliness that was brought on by the entity that had inhabited her mind.  She tried to suppress the chills that were curling through her in case the Doctor was watching her, trying to look brave, but in her simple white shirt, it was hard to keep down the cold.

It felt as though it was burning through her, even after the entity had left her.  Even though she'd been repressed inside her own mine (again), she remembered as though it was her.  The being felt so empty, so alone, and Rose very much wanted to help it.

"It's so alone," she whispered to herself, burying down into the covers, trying to keep warm and failing.

She heard rustling behind her and knew it was probably the Doctor on the small couch on the other side of the room, probably trying to shift to get away from hearing her fret over something he probably just wanted to vanquish.

She wondered if anything she thought he was going to do earlier had just been a piece of her imagination wishing for it more than anything else.  Why would he want to kiss her anyways?  Or get closer to her in that way at all, for that matter. 

She was a stupid ape, and God, she knew it.  He'd only said it once, to be sure, but it stuck with her.  She curled up into a tight ball into the bed and tried to fight off seemingly unbidden tears.  Just because a being in her head had made her feel sorry for it and she was rejected by the man she... Cared for, was no reason to cry.

But somehow she knew her sympathy on top of her own emotions was too much, and here she was, wanting to cry and wanting the Doctor to hold her, and not really getting either.  Part of her wanted to huff in frustration but just couldn't find the anger for it, only disappointment.

The first tear slipped out over her lashes and she swatted at it with her fingers, trying not to draw any attention to it and failing.  She couldn't see the Doctor look up from his spot on the couch and watch her, a war written across his face.  Eventually, upon hearing her sniffle, he lay his head back down on the couch, deciding that Rose was a big girl and handle it herself.

But the point was, she shouldn't have to, because he was there, and he was supposed to protect her from things like this.  She should never be in such a horrible position, and she'd been possessed twice on his watch.  Part of him felt guilty for that, and the other part felt guilty because he wanted nothing more than to stalk over to her and kiss away every single tear that fell down her lovely cheeks.

He managed to stay on his makeshift bed, staring at her back and pursing his lips, wishing he could ignore her.  Unfortunately for him, her presence in his room was something of a flare, lighting up the whole place, the dark walls and rug. 

Flopping on his back, he closed his eyes and tried to tune out the sounds of her.  Within moments it became clear that this would be impossible.  Giving in, he sat up.

She still lay with her back facing him, her palms pressed to her cheeks and fingertips up over her eyes.  Her wet lashes brushed the pads of her fingers on every blink, only reminding her that the entity could never feel the touch of another person, though the Doctor would never understand that.

When the Doctor had touched her, the being had shot out of her.  It wasn't allowed to be touched, and if it wasn't touched of didn't climb out from the person, it would kill the human and have to move on to somebody else, with the same result.  And as such, they wouldn't be able to feel the touch of any person, ever.  It would live its whole life, as long as that was, without someone to stand next to them with a comforting touch, and that was quite possibly one of the saddest thing Rose had discovered. 

She had experienced it, felt it through the entity's eyes, so to speak.  Because of that, and because of the lack of touch afterwards, she felt more alone than she'd ever been in her life, craving physical contact more than anything else.  She wished it had never picked her, because now she had to live with its burdens until they helped it, and she wasn't sure the Doctor really wanted to.

After a bit, she thought she must be done crying, and by normal human terms, she should have calmed down, but the intense emotions that had been spiraling through her made her much more emotional. 

She felt a hand touch her back against the shift she was wearing and stiffened, the only sensation the cool touch of the hand and the tears against her cheeks.  She turned over her shoulder to peer up into the Doctor's concerned face.  "You know, you said not tonight," she said curtly, no matter how much she wanted to roll over and cry into his chest.

One of his knees was on the bed, leaning him over her.  She noticed he was only in his white undershirt and boxers, obviously planning on sleeping that night.  But, she reminded herself, not in the same bed as her. 

He had the nerve to look hurt at her words.  His hand had slid with her back as she had rolled slightly, chest angled up and hips away from him.  He knew he had no right to touch her, because he had wounded her after a traumatic experience.  Somehow he knew even if he stayed with her tonight that they would not be okay in the morning.  It would now take a lot to get her to trust him again, even if she cuddled with him until morning. 

"You've been crying this whole time," he responded, his voice full of worry, silently disregarding her previous statement.

"Well, it wasn't in your head, was it?" She responded curtly, rolling away from him again.  "It was worse than Cassandra, it's so lonely, Doctor.  It's never touched another being because it can't, and I don't know how to help it."  She pressed her hands to her face again, feeling the tears well up again.

"Rose, we'll figure it out in the morning," he promised, his hand rubbing soothing circles over her back, the touch comforting after feeling so bereft of it before.  "For now, you need to stop thinking about it."

She turned and shoved him away from her with alarming strength for someone who had just been through a traumatic event, but anger helped her along.  He stumbled back from the bed, taken off guard, as she turned away from him yet again and pulled the covers up to her neck.  "I can't not think about it," she snapped, her voice thick with emotion, "It was there, I saw what it was feeling.  It may be easy for you, Doctor, but it's not for me.  I can't just... Turn off my feelings.  If you need to get sleep, I suggest you do it now."

The Doctor didn't think about his next movements.  He just did them.  He ripped the covers back from her and climbed into the bed with her before reaching over and pulling her towards him.  He tugged the covers back up around them and wrapped his arms around her, drawing her head to his chest.

She fought him, as he suspected she might, but held tight to her.  There was nothing he wanted more than to press kisses to the crown of her head, her forehead, her cheeks, her lips, and tell her everything was going to be okay, but he couldn't.  There would never be a right time for that, he knew that now, and he had to give up on anything he was thinking of her.

Eventually she relaxed into his grips, but only because she was too tired from the crying that she had been doing and was still doing, her tears seeping through his undershirt.  He couldn't bring himself to care.

He felt cold, thinking about how much she had needed someone to touch her and he had let her suffer for... He calculated in his head, two hours.  Two hours she had struggled through this.  He'd been horrible because he was afraid of getting too close. 

He heaved her even closer to him, shushing her gently as her sobs started to ebb away.  She burrowed closer to him, craving any touch that could prove that she could still be touched.

"Just sleep, Rose, if we're going to help it, we'll need sleep."

He wanted to say "I love you."

He didn't.

Rose fell asleep feeling warm, but not happy, knowing that the Doctor didn't want her, and was just doing this out of pity.

The Doctor didn't sleep because he was watching over her as she rested.