The Green Soul

Chapter 23

Rose watched him for a long moment after he said it, searching his eyes, seeing if he wanted  her to leave.  All she could see or process through his was fear, and the strange feeling that he was trying not to clutch at her for all he was worth, keep her here.  But still she watched.

And the more she watched, the more panicked she saw the Doctor become, fidgeting nervously, but never breaking his gaze from hers.  She drew her brows together and suddenly shook her head, as if he'd said something very foolish.

"No," she said quietly, "I don't want to leave, or go home."

She saw his fingers twitch at his sides, and the relief flood through him, relaxing his posture.  All of a sudden she wanted to apologize.  She had been the one to strike him, after all, so it really wasn't his fault.  And he hadn't done a thing to protect himself, he'd let her have at it.  But why?

"Really?" He sounded hopeful, "That's brilliant, that's... Yes, that's brilliant."

"Why did you leave?" She asked suddenly, hoping her intent for asking wasn't clear to him, though she could tell what it was, even through her own voice.  She fiddled with her fingers, looking down at them.  "Where did you go?"

The feeling of realization was almost palpable in the room as it came crashing down around them, and though Rose didn't see it, the Doctor's eyes widened considerably as he realized why she had been so upset.  Without thinking about her response, he stepped forward and pulled her into his arms. 

Startled though she was, Rose wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her cheek to his chest, letting her eyes flutter closed.  If this was as much of an apology as she was going to get from the Doctor, she was going to enjoy it, of that much she was certain.

She could feel his hearts thumping in his chest and had an odd feeling that he wanted to say something, so she squeezed his waist in encouragement, waiting for him to speak. 

"I'm sorry, Rose," he said softly, as if the moment his voice raised the Earth would implode.  "I went to the TARDIS, thought I would be back before you woke up.  I wanted something more stable for the Entity to be put into, something stronger than the sonic, and I thought of something, and..." He paused, burying his face in her hair.  "I can't imagine how that must have looked to you."

There was a pause, and Rose considered speaking, but he started up again.  "And I come back, and you're possessed again and Marie's got the sonic and I didn't know if the sonic was one hundred percent safe anymore and I was scared that you were hurt and angry that you'd gone ahead and done something so dangerous without me.  I thought I'd lose you."

"You didn't lose me the other times I did it," Rose mumbled.

"Not physically, but I cocked up the first time," the Doctor replied.

Rose waited, her heart beating faster, as she was scarcely hoping to dare that she understood what he was saying.  She took a step back from him and looked up into his eyes.  "And the..." She cleared her throat, "And the second time?"

They watched each other for what felt like forever.  Rose allowed her hands to remain on his waist, his locked together behind her upper back.  Nothing was said, and Rose was very aware that the Doctor might try to pull something stupid, like he usually did.

When more moments passed than Rose was physically comfortable with, she wrinkled her nose and pulled away from him completely, dislodging his hands from her. "Yeah, alright, I get it.  Lowly human, me.  That's alright."

She wanted to believe it was alright, that this didn't bother her, that that night wasn't the most important night at all.  Sod Jimmy and Mickey and every other man for the rest of her life; she knew she'd never find a man who had loved her like the Doctor had.  At least, that's what she thought it had been.  Turned out she was just the stupid ape, after all. 

"No."

Turning to face him, she furrowed her brows.  "What?"

"You are not some 'lowly human'," he clarified, "There are humans who are lowly, yes, but you're not one of them.  Why would you say that?"

Did he really have to have it spelled out for him.  She sighed and squared her shoulders at him.  "Because I haven't woken up in a cold bed after a night like that since I was with Jimmy, Doctor.  Would it have killed you to leave a note?"

There.  She'd said it.  He bristled at the mention of her ex, one she'd told him enough about that he would be disgusted with the comparison.  As much as Rose didn't like to admit it, that was sort of the point.  He'd sort of been a prat, and to be fair, so had she.  A right pair they were. 

He opened and closed his mouth a few times.  "I didn't think to," he blurted out, "I don't know how to do this."

She cocked her head, genuinely confused.  "Do what?"

He waved his hands vaguely at her.  "This!  This... Affection, and actually meaning the affection, not touching someone because you've been bonded and have a child, but because you feel like you'll combust if you don't touch them.  I've never had to leave a note.   I was married before, Rose, and I never left a note.  I never wanted anything with her."

"Bet she loved that."

"She didn't care!  That's why..." He sighed and made an effort to look her in the face.  "That's why I didn't leave a note.  I didn't know you'd want that, or that it would hurt you if I didn't.  All I knew was that when I woke up and you were there and I knew I had to go to the TARDIS, I didn't want to get up.  I complained about it to myself all the way out the door."

Rose's lip twitched, "Matthew did say you were mumbling."

"And that's why."  He was completely serious, and she had to admit it tugged at something within her.  He took a tentative step towards her, and when he saw that she would allow it, covered the rest of the distance and cupped her cheek in his hand.  "I have absolutely no idea what to do with you."

Something sparked in her skin when he touched her and Rose smiled.  With her heel, she felt out the open bedroom door and kicked it shut, startling the Doctor nearly out of his trainers.  She waited until his eyes were back on hers.  "Then let me show you."