Depression: The Struggle (Work In Progress)

Chapter 4: Freshman Year

I was nervous to start my freshman year of high school, a year that would prove to be one of the most difficult years of my life. There would be another change in styles of classes. Our high school had four classes that would last the first semester and four that would last the second.

The school year started off fairly normal. By now, I had adjusted to the deficiencies of my body and just focused on everything else as best I could. I joined our school's Christian group, as well as the drama club. I also took an acting class, since acting had become a passion for me.

Of course, I still spent as much time as I could between my grandma's house and Mike's. The first part of the semester went by pretty smoothly. I did a few backstage assignments for plays because I was still working on some of the shyness issues. I decided I'd take speech as an elective for the second semester to break some of that once and for all.

As a freshman, I had one more year of being able to be a part of the junior high quiz team since a few of the local junior high schools had ninth grade at their school instead of high school. Only two of us that were freshmen returned, so we were named co-captains.

I was pretty excited. This meant that I'd be able to participate on the team that year. The first week of our Christmas break, I was supposed to go sleep at my grandma's house, but I didn't. I don't recall the reason, but I soon would regret that decision. That weekend, my mom took her to the hospital, and she was kept there. They diagnosed her with pneumonia.

It was worse on her than most folk because she had emphysema from many years of cigarette smoking. We visited her several times, and it pained me to see her that way. She was stuck in the hospital for a week and a half when nightmares would return to me.

Two nights in a row, I had dreams of someone telling me my grandma had died, and I was returned to the inaudible screaming I had experienced so many times when I was in elementary school.

My parents informed me the night before one of our quiz matches that the hospital would be releasing my grandma the next day. Things would be a little different. She'd have to live with an oxygen tank, and we'd have to help her. I wasn't worried about that. I just wanted her to go home, and I was happy that we'd be spending more time there since she'd need a little more help.

I went to bed pretty happy and ready for our match. The day went by pretty quickly, and we went off to the match. That day turned out to be our first win, and I couldn't wait to go visit and tell my grandma about it.

We got back to the junior high all pumped up. I remember waiting for my ride and finding my head spinning when I saw my dad. My mom had always picked me up. Why is Daddy picking me up? That's when my world was turned upside down. There was an eery silence in the car. When we got home, my dad let me know that my grandma had passed away.

This was more than just a grandparent to me. She was like a second mother. Oftentimes, I'd confide in her when I felt so lonely at our new house, and she always had the right things to say to get me out of whatever funk I was in mentally...and now, she's gone.

The initial shock was slightly lessened by the foreshadowing dreams I had those previous two nights, but I was lost. All the times I had shut myself off to the world became nothing compared to this. I laid down in the bath tub and cried for what felt like hours, my throat becoming dry as a desert. The song "You are my sunshine" was playing over and over in my head, as I felt my sunshine had been taken away from me.

That moment was when I was introduced to the deep depression that would almost take over my life. Outside of the rest of the quiz matches and the time I'd spend at Mike's, the rest of that school year is a blur to me.