Depression: The Struggle (Work In Progress)

Chapter 5: Sophomore Year

Some things about myself remained the same shortly after depression crept its way into my life. I still went to church and school appearing as the same well-behaved person everyone knew me to be, smiling frequently.

I built up such a facade around others. To the outside world, I appeared saddened by my grandma's passing, but it looked like I was still that happy-go-lucky kid. For the most part, I was.

The most tormenting times were when I was home in my room alone. That's when depression enveloped me, and the facade disappeared. I was sad and torn. There seemed to be nothing I could do to break it. Keeping my emotions to myself was my biggest character flaw.

I'd learn years later-after finally opening up-that my dad sensed my depression but didn't know how to try to help me since I was so closed-off emotionally. I'd done such a good job convincing most others that nothing was wrong, I almost had myself convinced...with the exception of alone time.

Instead of dwelling on it, I began trying to fill up any free time with whatever I could. At church, our Sunday school teacher had moved on to another church, and they didn't have anyone else to fill the role. I volunteered and spent my Sunday mornings doing that. On Wednesday nights, I would join our youth group service.

At school, I saw Mike less because he went from honors to AP. He began hanging out more with that group. Meanwhile, I became friends with a freshman named Ken, and we used to spend lunch in one of his teacher's classrooms with a few other students.

I decided not to join the quiz team that year. I went to the tryout and did well, but I couldn't escape the memory from that January when my grandma died. Even though it was a different school in a different classroom, that didn't help my thoughts.

That year, I missed the honor roll for the first time since I started school. My grades didn't slip a whole lot...just my effort. I was just "getting by". Keeping with my effort and being occupied to keep depressive thoughts at bag, I participated in clubs more.

I stayed active in the drama club, and Ken and I joined the library club. Ken was in the Christian club, too. I became president of the library club and spent some lunch periods working in the library checking books out to students.

I didn't quite get the full experience in most of these clubs, since I was unable to participate in much that had a cost. It sufficed me most of the time, though. Having a group to hang out with during lunch on those other days helped get my mind off of things, also. It was mostly acquaintances and one friend, but it was the closest I ever came to having more than just one or two friends around me.

In a way, this year was almost like Dickens...it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. While I was suffering daily with my loss and the onset depression, I had a better school year than the one prior.

A representative came to our school from an advanced placement high school that covered junior and senior year. It was a great college prep school that was located at a college in the north of the state. A change of scenery could be good for me. Both Mike and I were invited to the seminar because of our grades. We both talked about going there and applied.

It was a big thought process for me. While I'd be there with Mike, I really didn't know anybody else there, and it was about five hours away from home. Money wasn't an issue because I'd easily qualify for a "full ride" due to our family income, or lack thereof. The decision would consume most of the rest of my sophomore year while waiting for a letter from them.