For your reference while reading this I will not be using my friends names, they will be the people in brackets and capitalized so you should be able to tell who they are based on their reoccurrence. If you cant ... Sorry (dumbass)
Wow it feels so weird actually typing a diary for people to see. I probably will do this often if its received well. Anyway let's begin. I think I'm infatuated with the thought of people actually realizing what in fact it is that they feel. Maybe because I cant put in to words how I feel or what it is that I should be feeling. I so a few minutes ago something just happened that made me completely angry, so im taking a break at 8:06pm. Its now 10:32 ... I know that that seems like a long break but a lot has happened between earlier and now.
Wow im just coming back to this twelve days later and it is with a heavy heart that I writing. I mean it's difficult being a black teen in America. However, I try not focus and narrow that down as the source of my problems. My problems most likely stem from low self esteem and deathly altruism that [THE IMPORTANT ONE] says I suffer from. [THE IMPORTANT ONE] is just what their name says Important I mean I could list the reasons why but that would be weird. Anyways being inside of a human body is totally confusing, like my brain doesn't work correctly and when logic is turned down .... Emotions are running high. [THE IMPORTANT ONE] would most likely scoff at that statement, but this is my diary so if you're reading this (fuck off weirdo).
My hands are cold in the sweltering heat. My hands have always been cold and everyone tells me this. I'd much rather be outside running rampant with my friends at 11:46 pm, I always think of [HILETL] when teenage fun graces my brain. Right now I'm listening to GTi001 Kollaps - Misery on soundcloud which makes me think of fashions shows and breaking free. I Think that's the problem with me ... I think too much and do too little. Oh well , I have college apps to worry about ...
Translating my thoughts & emotions into words is probably the most difficult part of my daily life.- Koi Fresco
Im lost in my own train of thought, which had been derailed and thrown off the tracks. Im living in a world where im constantly reminded of my own feeble attempts to change it. Losing the battle i always seem to know exactly what and when to say things that always keep me in the battle. I mean sometimes i feel like giving up but the fact still remains... the thrill in giving up last only seconds. The agony in everyday living rips me apart (having the overwhelming urge to insert the word "everyday" but doesnt because of the fear of redundancy).Im throwing up because of the lack of intellectual property in my life.
Property, what a possessive word. Too possessive for a liar who cant come to terms with the fact that love isnt a fairytale and is actually real, in the physical. The idea of love, the idea of engulfing the energy of another being and forming a symbiotic relationship, has so much light and warmth that it becomes something more sinister. The way the mind works is beautifully dark and twisted beyond what we conceive as humans. The love the idea of something is to also hate the idea of the lack of having it in physical form. Thats where it becomes tricky , the fact that you can be so love with the idea of having something in the physical can in turn make you so blue with not the idea of not having it in the physical when you didnt have it in the first place, you only had the idea. Being in love provided me with so many unexpected turns, lows and highs, that i am greatful for, but i cant grasp how the energy i share with someone can envoke a larger void of completeness. Maybe its because im inspired by what this person can teach me and moments that may seem like temporary forevers. 3:23 am
Things of that nature. Got lost in the moment, im really big on having moments to myself. I get really lost in most moments for more than a moment. I'm currently on the phone. (Technological barriers between souls) [BEAN].
THIS IS SHORT. BUT MY HANDS ARE COLD
