So I'm clearly getting the hang of this, but i'm not comfortable. I'm learning myself and learning that I will NEVER be comfortable because i'm always looking for ways to make something better.
I can't stop listening to Gucci Mane- Stoopid and it's effecting my arrogance. Maybe I need a little of that energy because I'm insecure.
Now i'm listening to Erykah Badu's new mixtape this makes me smile. The center of my chest is hot, and my blood is moving rapid circles. I don't know what to believe any more, my feelings are evolving and i'm learning the basic fundamentals of touch typing. It amazing when you think about it. Learning the art of ultimate self-trust and allowing yourself to make mistakes. I need to talk to people who understand that life is literally an extension of living.
I was walking today. I was crying today. It's crazy how much I can make people smile, laugh, and better when I hate myself. Self hatred. Self-love. I can't handle the absence of my companions. I can't handle the love I receive and the love i don't receive. I hate not picking up on the sensory detail that people care about me when I know that some people do. I'm not satisfied with being stationary. I hate that the people that I want to talk to most would rather talk other people. I hate that i don't occupy someone's subconscious 24/7 when their are a few people that occupy mine. I hate that what i give I don't receive. Andre 3000 is shining the vibrations of his heart on my dark heart. I feel slightly better.
Don't want to cause physical harm to myself, but I need the release of agony and to have a release of energy, that's not as bad as it seems. I'm not as cut throat as I seem I love life.
My life takes many different directions and that contrasts strongly with my personality.[BEAN] Makes me very happy despite his patronizing ways. I'm learning him. The rise of his eyelids and the way his veins pulse. The difference in his sighs and the way he walks. His scars and his battles. The way his hands move over his keyboard. The love in his touch. The complete honesty of his love is earth shattering and it hurts to love hard when your love has been torn apart by YOUR own actions.
READ THE NEXT PART AND IGNORE THE NUMBERS UNTIL THE END
Look around (1) yourself completely (2) you should notice that you just looked in a circle (3). Why is the circle (4) so important ? Because everything (5) in life is embodied by those 360 degrees (6) of black space. The circle (7) symbolizes the wholeness(8) or completeness(9) of an ever expanding universe ... an infinite circle(10). You ever notice that people say keep your "circle"(11) small ? The family and world both being symbols of unity are represented as circles(12). It fascinating to think that circles(13) mean so much. Every living thing has a pattern in it's DNA and I have yet to figure out what my pattern is.
So this is the first time i'm including a friend in my personal diary but it's totally a wonderful , life-lighting feeling to have someone who shares a heart and mind for creativity. This poem is by Miguel Morales.
1-9-9-8
The existence of humans is like that of a safe.
Man, woman, and child seal away that which makes them themselves.
The painful moments of childhood,
the lost of a loved one,
the destruction of a treasured toy,
the ever dwindling of innocence and youth.
The dial turns right.
"Click," it sounds.
One.
We prolong our tough exterior,
but to our dismay we become worn around the edges.
The rust takes over.
Our color has withered.
Our strength becomes compromised.
Once does the dial pass.
At its second coming does it stop.
"Click," it sounds.
Nine.
Be they Delicate memories,
Precious memories,
any memory considered to make us vulnerable,
it will be locked away.
But in doing so, we too lock our true selves.
Repetitions are Patterns.
"Click," it sounds.
Nine.
But try as we may,
nothing can be contained...
constrained...
concealed...
hidden...
protected...
forever.
The dial turns again.
This time, though, immediately finding its destination.
"Click," it sounds.
Eight.
All pins click into place.
Everything has aligned.
The conditions have been met.
The latch is then pulled upon.
At that very moment, everything comes flooding out...
Ourselves.
The "us" we wished for no one to see.
Vulnerable are we at that moment,
but then we look around us.
We have all been exposed,
yet something is common among us:
"What we feared had made us vulnerable was considered the same for another."
Never had we been alone.
The entire time we had each other, and
long after we will have each other.
We are the children of 1998.
We will let ourselves been seen for who we are.
We will not have it any other way.
- Miguel
Learning to accept myself and the love I have, along with sexuality. The sensuality in the touch of love, fingers dragging slowly and softly across damaged skin, lovely skin, hurt skin. I promise not to hurt you, I promise not to love you because love is pain an unbearably beautiful pain that never leaves. Your eyes never leave my lips and your hands, strong and graceful on my hips. An everlasting kiss ... Love me.
Despite the pain I feel sometimes. I'm overwhelmingly appreciative of the life that I have. Being black and young is lovely. The beauty that is simply in every word and every glance at the world is too much to be sad about. I'm not sad I just hit blind spots that I can't see my way out of. We all do, i'm a slave to my human emotions, and I allow them to take over for short amounts of time.
Music I listened to while writing this
Sola Rosa - Til the sun
Erykah Badu- Out my Mind Just in Time
Dylan- lowercaseA (its an Ep)
Twenty one Pilots - Goner
SBTRKT- Temporary View
