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Learning to belong to myself has been increasingly difficult over the course of my senior year. I have been belonging to college applications, other students, and homework..... [Morgan (Ill put his code in later because he is staring at me while i write this)] I don't mind owning the idea that most of my life i've been completely wrong about human beings, i just don't see the point of trusting a person who doesn't even trust their selves sometimes.
I've been crying internally over the past year now. Things are going and coming faster than i can grasp any situation. But as far as me im living for the moment. Im acting on animal impulses that may hurt the people around me, but it's time for me to a little selfish. These chromebooks allow me to write in class. I can see my friends in a blurry vision distorted by the florescent lights beaming down on my keyboard and on my facial features making me visible to them. I'm going to be strangers with a person that i once shared a common interests with.
I honestly need to become more consistent with writing. It makes me less dependent on others because i'm busy. Every time i begin to depend on someone they prove to me why I shouldn't.
I try to invoke conversation. I feel like we as humans, having a certain rational ability that other animals don't, we should at least try to argue and ignite fires with our words. Even if the question was: Why Kanye West is considered the best ? or What exactly is living ? Both of these questions cause people to dig deeper into what they consider to be something of "meaning."
Do you know how difficult it is to balance being both a creative and an intellectual ? There is a never ceasing pain that is inherited with these traits separately. So possessing both of these traits has granted me so much joy and pain ... so much glee and glum. I have friends who are just a creative or just an intellectual and that's much simpler because there is no conflicting trait. When you're creative you do what you feel. When you're an intellectual you're guided by logic and knowledge. What do you do when you're torn between the two ? Becoming Kanye is the only option.
I don't know whether music was meant to make this crimson drip down from my ears, these explosions (not my tastebuds) are becoming more common with every 808 and every distorted voice. I want impossible things ... Like being able to live in the moment. Being able to live in the moments where i'm the happiest. Like the moment that I looked in your eyes and you into mine and i stared at your tortured and burnt soul and found solace in that. The moment right before climax. The moment before you told me that I meant nothing to you. The moment when I was expecting you to fall and my life to disappear into your saline tears.
