RANDOM DISCLAIMER: I HOPE YOU AREN'T COMING INTO MY DIARY (MY PERSONAL SPACE) WITH EXPECTATIONS BECAUSE THIS SUCKS.
Well this didn't particularly go well. I mean my expectations for humans fall and rise everyday due to disappointment which leaves me fragmented and untrusting. That's a huge problem when you are trustworthy and you feel like you have no one to trust except for [THE IMPORTANT ONE]. I wonder if a bullet grazed my head would I be dazed. As if being borderline suicidal isn't enough. Im learning so much lately about myself and how I believe the world should work. And then I had to think " FUCK THAT " there's a world of people out there and for me to be focused on what I believe is ... self-centered (sorry to my Christian readers). I mean everything is about preference, just because the girl sitting next to me on the bus likes Trash music ( oops I meant Trap) doesn't mean she doesn't posses intellectual property. I think I've observed a whole world of people who are so obsessed with themselves that they forget that there is a population of about 7 billion people and their 1 OPINION based on THEIR PREFERENCE shouldn't be the platform for this vast existence. But who am I to say anything. Im so unimpressed with myself and my drive to do things lately, I feel like im jammed between "so many ideas" and "so little time for execution".
Im way too focused on structure. Im the Nomad of Imaginations ( a nickname given by [THE IMPORTANT ONE]).
I'm just coming from a movie which pissed me off because it was fucking terrible. I take the things I see very seriously but that's me and all art (even though its subjective).
Like every other teen in America I love music but I think I should talk about that later.
Being my friend is tough because I'm a person of extremely high highs and extremely low lows. My problem is that my happiness is completely fragmented between events. I can be totally happy and in five seconds be torn down by issues that I have been internalizing for a while. I applaud my friends. Things are really confusing in my life right now. I'm laughing more often and crying more often. I'm allowing my emotions to seep out my pores like sweat and its equally disgusting, and equally beneficial especially for someone who hides behind a wide smile. You trust the people that you hang around ? I want to do a friend portion of my diary. It would be nice for one of my friends to email me a paragraph to add in here. Maybe ill pick some people.
"Let's get lost and find each other"
Growing up with a less than cohesive thought process makes it difficult to find a central theme to these. Growing up in a household where I was ostracized makes it difficult to think that others aren't going to do the same. Growing up in a household where my Mer-ka-ba wasn't nourished makes it difficult to shine my light on people or share a energy or connection that's pure (but who can?). Connection are in their purest forms these days and I'm getting caught up in adolescent living. I hate rules and fucking systems that are put in place to suppress creativity. I hate internet feminists who overlook other issues. I don't like people who stand for one thing and one thing only. I don't like when people limit others (please let them shine their fucking light). I love trees and outdoor spaces where theres lots of space because I've felt trapped most of my life. I don't want to go to college to earn a degree but I want to go to college to be surrounded by people who don't support group think.
I just want to be myself, without myself or anyone judging me because I realize I've been impeding myself in self discovery. Can I even really call it self discovery? The discovery of oneself is truly a mystery well a mystery to me at least, learning to live without stopping is easy when everyone around you seems to depend on you and your brightness. Brightness ? Who's light ? All these light waves are floating in... Light waves ? Yes. Life is knocking down my doors, spilling in, flooding in. I Think I need to learn to appreciate these things alone and stop trying to cooperate everyone on my journey. I want to drown in this flood and through me the light will shine, bright, maybe. I'm not that bright, I'm not that young, I'm not that bold, I'm not that old. People think I am and that's cool, maybe I am an inspiration even though I'm not sure that I'm worthy of that title. What title does anyone really deserve in the purest form? I'm fine with people looking at me, I don't like to say "looking up to me" because that shit is weird. Easy, calm down, you're too hype. What's a title anyway ?
(Try to find the rhyme scheme if there is one ??? Shit, I don't know. I just let the writing flow... no pun intended) Um this is pretty old and I edited it to sound a bit better.
A long time ago I thought I was alone, but that happens to everyone, every now and the right ? I met kids my age and thought kids my age might contribute to my age or our age. It was the details of our existence that bound us together by that astronomical glue we call fate. Fate was in the stars and in our eyes, even if we didn't believe in it or not. Because I hadn't forgot my last run in fate , my last run was late. Fall or winter maybe when I met a kid my age that I thought could contribute to my age or my ways, and he did just that by burning love into m with his hands. Literally his hands were so beautiful and his stand was so musical. The higher ups had to be looking out for me be I wasn't deserving of this fate or this love. If it was love. Nah that shit was yellow. As my mom yelled "lower down that music" I began to fell my pulse quicken as the plot thickened. The kid that loved me just as fate had loved the stars ... tore me to shreds... contributing to my age .c
I secretly want to design t-shirts and homes and weird shit like that. Omg I should get a statue of a bagel and put it out in front of my house. #Inspiration
(Shitty creative writing alert... if you don't like writing feel free to skip this, just know that the poetry gods and I are omnipresent and watching)
Its been 40 Days of 40 dazed moments:(things that I try to do that I think all teens need to consider or not. Sorry for incomplete sentences. Broken)
1. hazy memory of distant cries of my name.
2. The faint smell of blue colors.
3. Liquid love, distorted pills.
4. clouds , smoky roof tops
5. Endless laughter and rain dances
6. LEARNING
7. Flexing my thoughts
8. Dreaming of Bob Ross painting (IF YOU DONT KNOW WHO HE IS ????)
9. Learning to love myself and accept thing
10. Sacred Geometry ( 10x4= 40 days of love)
FUCK DONALD TRUMP
