Forgetting the Past

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Back From The Dead

"You're squeezing me, mommy," Clary heard after holding her daughter tightly for what didn't seem like nearly long enough. She drew back, holding her hands on both of Seraphina's shoulders and dropping down to her knees.
"I guess I was. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," she replied, giving her mother a soft smile. Seeing that gentle, caring look from her made her heart squeeze with something warm and oddly familiar. Like some motherly reaction had been built into her the day Sari was born and it had never left.
"How... How is this possible?" She asked no one in particular. She didn't know if her daughter could answer that question or not.
"What do you mean?" Sari asked, looking up at Clary with wide, vibrant eyes.
She put her hands on both sides of Sari's  delicate torso. "Seraphina, what do you remember?"
"From... Before?"
Clary nodded encouragingly.
"I... Well.... I remember that you're my mom. But I don't remember who's my dad, or growing up. Or... Anything else, really."
Clary looked down and nodded. "It's okay. You're going to be safe now, and you'll have a new dad."
"A new dad?" Sari asked hopefully.
Clary smiled and nodded. "And he will love you very, very much."

"Clary, we- wait, who is- how-"
Jace stared in astonishment. He walked slowly toward Clary, who was grasping Saraphina's small hand in her own. Jace came close to her, his golden eyes wide, and glanced from the girl to his fiancé. Everyone in the small room was staring.
"Clary-" he began, talking in a near whisper, "- where did that girl come from? Who is she??"
She took a deep breath. "Jace," she said with urgency, looking deep into his eyes, searching for the recognition. He had to know it was her, somehow. Somewhere deep in his mind he had to know.
Worry began to color his face. "Please, Clary. Explain."
"Jace." She was firm now. "Look at her. Look at her and tell me you don't recognize her."
Jace looked back down at Seraphina, whose grip had tightened on her mother's hand. She looked scared, worried that they were mad at her. Clary gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.
Jace looked down at her. He furrowed his brows in confusion, studying her features, while she looked up at him expectantly. Suddenly his face smoothed out as his eyes widened once more. His skin paled and his mouth opened slightly. Everybody in the room was on the edge of their metaphorical seats.
"How-" he looked up at Clary. "She can't be-"
"It's Seraphina, Jace. The angel in the cellar- you know what I'm talking about- he could only go back to heaven if another angel gave up their place. So Sari was sent back to earth. We have a daughter now, Jace. We haven't lost her."
Tears brimmed Clary's eyes. Jace stared down into her face, his mouth now closed, and she waited for his reaction. What would he think?
Jace grinned. He grinned, big and wide and glowing with joy. "Clary," he breathed, his own eyes beginning to shine, "This is incredible. It's... It's crazy."
"But you believe me, don't you?"
He nodded his head vigorously. "Yes, of course I do. Of course, of course." He drew Clary into his arms, holding her tightly while she hugged him back with her free arm.
"Of course."

A week after they finally got back home, there was a celebration beyond compare. Though only their small group could know the true identity of Clary and Sebastian's daughter (what would the Clave do to the daughter of the most sinister Shadowhunter in all of history?), the rest of their friends rejoiced that Clary had been rescued. Isabelle and Magnus had decked the New York Institute out in beautiful colors, with streamers and a huge assortment of guests gathered in the library.
It was great to see everybody again. Clary couldn't spend more than a few minutes talking to someone before another friend caught her eye and greeted her. There was laughing and dancing and champagne.
Seraphina had befriended Emma and Julian, whose family was also there, and the three were running around and giggling. They had been playing and causing trouble all night. Sari was smaller and more petite than the other two, mostly because she was younger but in part because of Clary and Sebastian's genes. She was quick and wiry like the both of them, graceful thanks to her father. The shock of seeing her resemblance to Sebastian stole Clary's breath. It was like a beautiful, happy version of him in a smaller, feminine form.
Clary let herself wonder for a moment if Max would have played with the other three children.
The champagne was making her too warm in the full room and the feelings induced by her thoughts were quickening her breath to an unsteady pace. Clary stumbled out of the library and clanged open the gate to the elevator.
A cool evening breeze blew over the Institute steps. She took them one by one, inhaling the musky New York air and downing the rest of her drink. She let the delicate glass hit the ground beside the steps and heard it shatter.
Her breaths were fast and uneven with panic. Why was she panicking? She should have only been upset by those things, not set off. Of course Seraphina would look like her father- it was in her genetics. And there was no use thinking of Max- they couldn't bring him back. She couldn't keep doing this to herself.
He heard the heavy oak door swing open slowly behind her. Clary's head snapped back quickly, only to see Jace gazing at her in the doorway.
"What are you doing?" She asked him.
"I saw you leave. You didn't look good."
Clary exhaled heavily and looked at her feet. The door creaked closed and she heard three light footsteps before Jace's hand was on her shoulder, and his fingers were turning her chin toward him.
"What's wrong?" He asked her with concern written on his face and words.
"So much... Really, it's all stupid. All these small things upsetting me-"
Jace dropped his hand from her chin and looked her in the eyes. "Nothing that's bothering you is just 'stupid.'" Have stated firmly. "Tell me."
Clary took a deep breath. She looked away from Jace, across the street, at nothing in particular. "I see him in Seraphina. Not just her appearance, the pale skin and hair- but in the way she acts. She's nimble, agile like him, and so delicate. And when she's done something sneaky, or she's being just a little devious, I see him in the way she smirks. Even though she does it innocently and he was anything but."
Jace didn't say anything. In fact, he was quiet for so long that eventually Clary turned her head to look up at him. When he spoke, his voice was low and husky, his expression tainted with sadness.
"Say his name, Clary."
She blinked several times in confusion. "Wha- what do you mean?"
"I haven't heard you say his name since we returned from Edom. Not once, Clary. You can't let him have that power over you. You can't give him your fear."
"I'm not afraid of him-"
"You're every bit afraid of him," Jace said, leaning closer to her, looking angry, "and it has ruled your life. You are giving him the chance to rule your life. After all that he has done to ruin it, you're letting him win in the end."
Clary was burning with rage and hurt. "How can you say that to me? You don't know half of what he did to me."
"I can guess," he replied with pure venom.
Clary took a shaken breath. "Are you telling me you wouldn't be afraid after all he did to me?! That if it were you, completely powerless, you WOULDN'T BE AFRAID?!"
"You weren't powerless!" They were both shouting now. "You could have fought against him!!"
Clary shook her head. "You still don't know, do you?"
Jace's face fell, but he had put up a wall. Though Clary couldn't see it, she knew he was confused. "What don't I know?" He asked coolly, calmly. He was scary calm now.
"He was doing all of it."
"What are you talking about?" Jace was openly stumped now.
"I couldn't fight him," Clary said quietly, softly. "He had powers... Powers over my mind. Like he could control me. But I wasn't some robot- I was whatever he wanted me to be. Sometimes I was his pet, and he would parade me around on his arm. Other times..." She squeezed her eyes shut as memories came flooding in. The bedroom.
"Clary, I..." Jace could hardly speak. "I had no idea."
"I know," Clary said. "But now you do."
They were silent for a moment. The noise of the city went on, but the couple on the stairs was quiet.
"You did it," Jace said finally.
She looked up at him. "I did what?"
"You said his name."
Clary swallowed. "I guess I did."
Jace exhaled heavily. "I'm sorry, Clary. I just assumed-"
"You don't have to apologize," she told him. "I understand why you were frustrated. But you shouldn't have yelled at me. We need to talk."
He nodded. "You're right."
Silence fell again. Then Jace turned to her, locking their gazes. "Like we need to talk about this," he said, putting his palm to the bump on her stomach.
Clary took in a sharp breath, her eyes wide. "How did you-?"
"Magnus told me. Well, he didn't mean to tell me, but it kind of slipped out." He gave a slight, devious smile.
Clary rolled her eyes. "That warlock..."
Jace laughed, which made Clary grin.
"You... You're happy? About...?" She asked, placing a hand over his.
He smiled even wider. "Of course. I couldn't be anything but happy, Clary. We're going to have a baby."
His grin was contagious.
Clary turned away from him, sliding his hand from her stomach and knitting her fingers with his. She smiled at the darkening sky.
"All those things you said," Jace began, breaking the quiet, "about Seraphina being like Sebastian."
Her heart fell. "Well, Jace," she declared, turning toward him, "You really know how to kill a mood."
He took both of her hands in his. "Just hear me out, Clary," he pleaded. "I know when you look at her, all those things remind you of Sebastian. But when I look at her, they remind me of you."
"Are you saying I'm like Sebastian?"
Jace shook his head. "No, that's not what I meant. What I mean is, she's just ask much like you as she is like Sebastian. And though you and Sebastian may be alike, for obvious reasons," he shifted his weight awkwardly, "she's not only his child. All those things about her come from you, too Clary. And when I see the way she acts, the way she carries herself, it doesn't make me think of him. It makes me think of you."
Clary smiled. "I guess you're right."
"Aren't I usually?"
Clary socked him in the arm and made him wince slightly. "Shut your big mouth and just kiss me already."
He did.